Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can working moms deny they are putting their own desires ahead of their kids? Especially the ones who don’t need to work.a

Your premise is fundamentally flawed, because a woman working is not just about her own desires and children having caretakers other than their parents during the day is not harmful to children.

On another note: Do you also believe working men are putting their own desires ahead of their kids?

No matter how hard you try, men and women are different. Did your DH push a baby out his uterus?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

I've seen too many of my wohm friends scramble last minute due to kid's illness, weather closings, etc. I know they still bear the brunt of responsibilty for their kids and for things in the home, even though they work. My dh and I both wanted the same type of family and home life: peaceful, low stress, supportive, smooth, etc. We have been together many, many years and continue to have a happy, healthy marriage. We are planners and I will be just fine if the unthinkable (insert your concern here) happens.

DP: good for you! You and your family are unusual, and you know that, but for some reason can't look beyond your own situation. The vast majority of women who SAH are in difficult positions financially, as PP (and others) have noted. This debate isn't about you, personally, it's about what happens to society at large and women in general when most women don't have the opportunities for flexible, decently paid employment. In real life, people have to solve challenging problems *and that's fine*. Let's not stick our heads in the sand and pretend that all is hunky-dory just because we got lucky in our own personal lives.

I didn't get lucky. We sacrificed and planned. Luck has played no part in my marriage or family life. Dh and I knew exactly what we wanted and we made it happen. It wasn't luck which brought us together or which has kept us together, it was good decision making paired with shared values and continuing commitment to each other and our family.

Anonymous wrote:SAHM here.

I hate these threads. They're usually started by a WOHM asking some version of "why don't you want to work a flexible job and not be dependent on a man?"

So you explain how your former industry was not flexible, why you and your husband prize a peaceful, calm existence where one person works and the other takes care of home and kid stuff, and what you have done to mitigate the risk of being financially dependent (large cash savings, continue to invest for your own retirement, large life insurance and disability policies, post nuptial agreements, etc. etc.) and they come back with "well it's not about YOU or your reasons, it's about women in general."

Don't you get that ALL women are making choices based on their unique circumstances and are making good choices mitigating risk in their lives?

Like sorry your dad left your mom high and dry but that's not going to happen to me for various reasons and no amount of bitter wishing on your part is going to make it so. It's just not. If my husband left me tomorrow, which is extremely unlikely for various reasons, I'd walk away with about 3 million dollars. A nice cushion to start over with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

I've seen too many of my wohm friends scramble last minute due to kid's illness, weather closings, etc. I know they still bear the brunt of responsibilty for their kids and for things in the home, even though they work. My dh and I both wanted the same type of family and home life: peaceful, low stress, supportive, smooth, etc. We have been together many, many years and continue to have a happy, healthy marriage. We are planners and I will be just fine if the unthinkable (insert your concern here) happens.

DP: good for you! You and your family are unusual, and you know that, but for some reason can't look beyond your own situation. The vast majority of women who SAH are in difficult positions financially, as PP (and others) have noted. This debate isn't about you, personally, it's about what happens to society at large and women in general when most women don't have the opportunities for flexible, decently paid employment. In real life, people have to solve challenging problems *and that's fine*. Let's not stick our heads in the sand and pretend that all is hunky-dory just because we got lucky in our own personal lives.

I didn't get lucky. We sacrificed and planned. Luck has played no part in my marriage or family life. Dh and I knew exactly what we wanted and we made it happen. It wasn't luck which brought us together or which has kept us together, it was good decision making paired with shared values and continuing commitment to each other and our family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

I've seen too many of my wohm friends scramble last minute due to kid's illness, weather closings, etc. I know they still bear the brunt of responsibilty for their kids and for things in the home, even though they work. My dh and I both wanted the same type of family and home life: peaceful, low stress, supportive, smooth, etc. We have been together many, many years and continue to have a happy, healthy marriage. We are planners and I will be just fine if the unthinkable (insert your concern here) happens.

DP: good for you! You and your family are unusual, and you know that, but for some reason can't look beyond your own situation. The vast majority of women who SAH are in difficult positions financially, as PP (and others) have noted. This debate isn't about you, personally, it's about what happens to society at large and women in general when most women don't have the opportunities for flexible, decently paid employment. In real life, people have to solve challenging problems *and that's fine*. Let's not stick our heads in the sand and pretend that all is hunky-dory just because we got lucky in our own personal lives.

I didn't get lucky. We sacrificed and planned. Luck has played no part in my marriage or family life. Dh and I knew exactly what we wanted and we made it happen. It wasn't luck which brought us together or which has kept us together, it was good decision making paired with shared values and continuing commitment to each other and our family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

I've seen too many of my wohm friends scramble last minute due to kid's illness, weather closings, etc. I know they still bear the brunt of responsibilty for their kids and for things in the home, even though they work. My dh and I both wanted the same type of family and home life: peaceful, low stress, supportive, smooth, etc. We have been together many, many years and continue to have a happy, healthy marriage. We are planners and I will be just fine if the unthinkable (insert your concern here) happens.

DP: good for you! You and your family are unusual, and you know that, but for some reason can't look beyond your own situation. The vast majority of women who SAH are in difficult positions financially, as PP (and others) have noted. This debate isn't about you, personally, it's about what happens to society at large and women in general when most women don't have the opportunities for flexible, decently paid employment. In real life, people have to solve challenging problems *and that's fine*. Let's not stick our heads in the sand and pretend that all is hunky-dory just because we got lucky in our own personal lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can working moms deny they are putting their own desires ahead of their kids? Especially the ones who don’t need to work.a

Your premise is fundamentally flawed, because a woman working is not just about her own desires and children having caretakers other than their parents during the day is not harmful to children.

On another note: Do you also believe working men are putting their own desires ahead of their kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

I've seen too many of my wohm friends scramble last minute due to kid's illness, weather closings, etc. I know they still bear the brunt of responsibilty for their kids and for things in the home, even though they work. My dh and I both wanted the same type of family and home life: peaceful, low stress, supportive, smooth, etc. We have been together many, many years and continue to have a happy, healthy marriage. We are planners and I will be just fine if the unthinkable (insert your concern here) happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question is designed to foment a mom vs mom discussion. Both WOHM and SAHM can and should be working together to dismantle patriarchy. Patriarchy has conned us into thinking that we should feel defensive about our individual choices. But even if we debate and defend our choices ad nauseam, we will still be paid less at work and undervalued in our homes.

Pretty sure it wasn't the "Patriarchy" that sent men off to fight wars. The idea of men as oppressors is so absurd. Just because you look back on those times in today's context and view it that way doesn't make it so. I don't think your grandma's grandma thought all men were out to keep her down! "Oh, if only they would LET me earn the money and go off to work 8 hours a day!..."
The division of labor scenario that most men and women had in marriages prior to the 1960s was simply a mutual arrangement that worked FOR ALL OF US...drawbacks and benefits to both sexes.
Until the advent of the birth control pill in the early 60s, we literally had not control over our reproductive cycles so were basically UNABLE to make choices about when we would have children and how many (after deciding to have sex, that is!) So the idea of women making an equal contribution to the workforce was just not workable in any rational way. I actually wonder if one of the great cons of our time has been to convince women that the men had it so amazing that we should want to do what they were doing! Well done, men!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

But why? Why wouldn’t you want to have a flexible job where you can spend time with your kids AND remain an independent person? My mom stayed home and sacrificed so much. Now that she sees me work a flexible job I think it has hit her how foolish she was.

The main person sacrificing in this arrangement is you. You won’t be contributing to your own retirement account. You will face challenges retentering the workforce. You have lost your identity outside of your kids and husband. Of course your husband will go along with this arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!

You missed the part where we planned and saved for years. Also, we depend on each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care if you're SAHM or WOH mom. I do care when I get SAHM tell me 'I would NEVER let anyone care for my child'. That is nice for you since you have a supportive spouse who makes significant amount of money to allow you to have the luxury to stay home. Comments like these upsets me. Don't you think all moms would like to have the luxury to have options but not all are fortunate. Idon't identify myself through my career. I could care less. I only work for my paycheck to support my family and provide a certain quality of life for them. My goal is to earn and save significantly so I can retire early.

I sah and we are far from rich. I knew My dh and I both wanted me to care for our children and not have them in someone else's care. We waited, planned, saved and lived off of one income for years before having kids. We'll never be rich, but we have the family life we want.

Enjoy dependence!