What OP is missing is so very common in male-female sexual desire. Many have already discussed Spontaneous (male) vs. Responsive (female) desire, but let me add a wrinkle.

My DW is low drive, at least compared to me. She never initiated, and for years, when we had sex, it was apparent she could often take it or leave it. Now, she has regained some of her libido. So while she still never initiates, she seems genuinely excited when we are having sex. Its a subtle difference, one of lying there and taking it, versus moving hips, asking for something specific, anything to signify through body language that she is a mutual lover.

I get what OP is complaining about. It's the difference between your husband showing up for date night and not paying attention, versus being interactive on date night even if he would probably rather be home on the couch watching sports.

Well it's possible I've been misinterpreting the tone of all your posts and my disgust should be reserved for a lot of other male posters here but it might be helpful for you tyou realize your tone putl off a lot of female posters.maybe your wife is hearing something similar which makes her feel like she can't win with you on this topic. Good luck,of you really are a good guy a hope she does not leave you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. A pattern is emerging from this thread so far.

The self-appointed relationship experts seem to be saying some variation of "all marriages end up that way; men and women are just different" so suck it up and be happy you have a (possibly) wonderful life partner and co-parent.

Those spouses (all DWs so far) who actually share their feelings about their specific situation will usually say something about how they are bored with the sameness of it all, but if you read carefully it seems to be more about how they are unhappy with who their spouses are. Of course that includes a significant subset of the "bad boys make me hot, but I didn't want to marry one, and now I'm bored with the good husband/father material I did marry" types.

Pretty goddamn depressing so far.

Like this one. Personally I find the "only have sex with bad boys and don't put out for my beta husband" narrative to be pretty revolting. The rejection of the idea that this is a normal relationship problem coupled with the badboy theory to me says you're looking for a way to blame her instead of be happy

The fact that the first post that sparked your interest was an alpha/beta comment was also fairly telling.

You totally mis-read that. I was disgusted at the whole alpha/beta construct and also found the women who lamented that their DHs were "betas" to be really awful.

Anonymous wrote:Your other posts throughout this thread have belied a different feeling and tone

I don't know which posts you refer to, but I'm not the only man who has posted on this thread. It's very heated subject on both sides of the issue. Often the invective is directed at other posters more than the spouse.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. A pattern is emerging from this thread so far.

The self-appointed relationship experts seem to be saying some variation of "all marriages end up that way; men and women are just different" so suck it up and be happy you have a (possibly) wonderful life partner and co-parent.

Those spouses (all DWs so far) who actually share their feelings about their specific situation will usually say something about how they are bored with the sameness of it all, but if you read carefully it seems to be more about how they are unhappy with who their spouses are. Of course that includes a significant subset of the "bad boys make me hot, but I didn't want to marry one, and now I'm bored with the good husband/father material I did marry" types.

Pretty goddamn depressing so far.

Like this one. Personally I find the "only have sex with bad boys and don't put out for my beta husband" narrative to be pretty revolting. The rejection of the idea that this is a normal relationship problem coupled with the badboy theory to me says you're looking for a way to blame her instead of be happy

The fact that the first post that sparked your interest was an alpha/beta comment was also fairly telling.

Your other posts throughout this thread have belied a different feeling and tone

Anonymous wrote:I read onto your op and what you just wow that you have a wife that has sex with you and enjoys it but who you have to work on a bit to get her going. Like I said, party and gifts but the wrong cake. If she wasn't attracted to you at all sure wouldn't he willing to be warmest up. You can't change who she is, as many payers have already said, but you seem to only be willing to be satisfied by that solution.

Actually, all I did was ask other women who felt the same lack of desire for their husbands to describe why it is that way for them so that it might help me understand her. I never said I wanted to change her, just understand her.

Again, reading comprehension. Fail.

I read onto your op and what you just wow that you have a wife that has sex with you and enjoys it but who you have to work on a bit to get her going. Like I said, party and gifts but the wrong cake. If she wasn't attracted to you at all sure wouldn't he willing to be warmest up. You can't change who she is, as many payers have already said, but you seem to only be willing to be satisfied by that solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious about the psychology of the men in this thread. What do you think I'm projecting based on my posts?

You are comparing something as crucial as sexual intimacy in marriage - the glue that holds a marriage together - as trivial as whether a child gets vanilla or chocolate cake.

Of course starving children are more important globally than anything in a particular marriage. But you don't seem to grasp the gravity that the failure of a satisfying sexual relationship has on marriage

It's a metaphor not a comparison. The entire party is sex, the cake is one component. I'm saying it sounds like you have a good sex life bit are hung up on one aspect that is not exactly as you want it and telling you you should be looking at the positive.

Still not sure what you think I was projecting though.

I assume you are projecting that you don't see satisfying sex as crucial to one's happiness. That's fine. A lot of people see sex like dessert, great when you get it and it's good but not essential. You dismiss OPs desire to find sex with his wife and his ability to please his wife in the process as whining because, hey, he's having sex so shut up about the quality

You assume wrong. I am more OP than his DW in my marriage (the initiator). I am saying that by his own description he has a lot of positive (even in the sex arena), so why dwell on the negative? No one gets everything they want, if you get most of it then you're lucky.

The only thing you should read into my post is that I have experienced something truly terrible and it gives me the perspective to be very very grateful for all the things that are good about my DH instead of harping on the fact that he doesn't initiate sex enough.

I'm glad you appreciate your DH, but your reading comprehension is lacking. My OP wasn't complaining about the sex or frequency of sex at all. The concern was that DW did not/could not express any desire for me without a whole lot of prep, foreplay, etc. Classic responsive desire. In fact I appreciate her far more than you can possibly fathom from the limited information I provided. You made a whole bunch of assumptions that were just plain wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious about the psychology of the men in this thread. What do you think I'm projecting based on my posts?

You are comparing something as crucial as sexual intimacy in marriage - the glue that holds a marriage together - as trivial as whether a child gets vanilla or chocolate cake.

Of course starving children are more important globally than anything in a particular marriage. But you don't seem to grasp the gravity that the failure of a satisfying sexual relationship has on marriage

It's a metaphor not a comparison. The entire party is sex, the cake is one component. I'm saying it sounds like you have a good sex life bit are hung up on one aspect that is not exactly as you want it and telling you you should be looking at the positive.

Still not sure what you think I was projecting though.

Oh, is that what you were doing? I guess between the part about wishing the wife would leave and the insulting tone it was hard to tell.

I think people should value and respect their spouses for who they are and yes if one spouse is not doing that I hope the other one becomes aware of that so they can find someone who does.