If you want the wife to pull it together, you can't simply bet on it by crossing your fingers. You have to define your expectations, often and loudly. People choose paths that are most comfortable for them. Why would his wife move away from the current arrangement, where she doesn't have to cook or clean, or communicate legibly about her feelings and plans? It's a great gig, dude. Simply stop working. Do as little as you can get away with. When questioned, cry. Why change if no one demands it? The husband seemingly decided to just take it. Why change?

Because at a certain point, the kids will get older. The distraction is an obvious one, but one with an expiration date. Sure, OP could bail now, but by agreeing to let the wife have it her way, he is taking a leap of faith that she will get herself together. OP, the PP have a point. You do need to tell your wife what you decided and how you feel.

And if the wife had a career and drive, it doesn't make sense that it would disappear without some reason. Giving her space to figure that out is easier than pushing things and letting them crash. Believe me, I literally went through something similar with my ex. It didn't work out but I think my impatience added to things. The wife's lot doesn't sound like a picnic, so I don't know why people think she is a winner here.

And honestly, for guys who really want a family life, like OP, divorce really sucks. He isn't getting custody if that happens and his income is going to be burned by supporting two households (from my experience, the husband who really is fair about child support is going to have to cut back on his own quality of life). And when it comes to time, which OP really wants, being a divorced dad is pretty much the worse way to get that. Particularly one with a demanding job.

Anonymous wrote:

Are you really saying you'd rather remain married to someone who is "incredibly difficult"? I can't believe you are advocating staying married to a person like that just to avoid personal upheaval. Would you give the same advice to a battered woman? Stay or your quality of life will suffer?

Why is there such a lack of respect for men? Why are men expected to be donkeys whose job is to pull the load quietly and shit out some money at regular intervals?

Under this fact pattern? Where OP clearly loves his wife and his wife clearly is in some sort of professional funk that resulted in her choosing to be a SAHM even though it isn't a good fit. Even though OP wasn't really consulted here?

Yeah. The bet that the wife will pull it together is a better risk than starting over, particularly when someone still cares for their spouse. It's the whole "for worse" part of wedding vows. The wife is clearly not in a good place. It's good of OP to be the bigger person. Someone has to or the marriage would obviously fall apart.

I'm the divorced PP in a condo. I have to say if I could do it over again, I'd have made different choices more along the lines of OP's. It would have been better for everyone.

If you want the wife to pull it together, you can't simply bet on it by crossing your fingers. You have to define your expectations, often and loudly. People choose paths that are most comfortable for them. Why would his wife move away from the current arrangement, where she doesn't have to cook or clean, or communicate legibly about her feelings and plans? It's a great gig, dude. Simply stop working. Do as little as you can get away with. When questioned, cry. Why change if no one demands it? The husband seemingly decided to just take it. Why change?

Are you really saying you'd rather remain married to someone who is "incredibly difficult"? I can't believe you are advocating staying married to a person like that just to avoid personal upheaval. Would you give the same advice to a battered woman? Stay or your quality of life will suffer?

Why is there such a lack of respect for men? Why are men expected to be donkeys whose job is to pull the load quietly and shit out some money at regular intervals?

Under this fact pattern? Where OP clearly loves his wife and his wife clearly is in some sort of professional funk that resulted in her choosing to be a SAHM even though it isn't a good fit. Even though OP wasn't really consulted here?

Yeah. The bet that the wife will pull it together is a better risk than starting over, particularly when someone still cares for their spouse. It's the whole "for worse" part of wedding vows. The wife is clearly not in a good place. It's good of OP to be the bigger person. Someone has to or the marriage would obviously fall apart.

I'm the divorced PP in a condo. I have to say if I could do it over again, I'd have made different choices more along the lines of OP's. It would have been better for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Staying doesn't mean things have to continue exactly the way they did. He can, for instance, make a unilateral decision to switch to a less stressful, less paying job. He'll get some time with the kids, the the wife feel some pain.

And their quality of life would suffer. Yeah, he could have manned up and demanded the wife work but it wouldn't turn out well. I did something similar and got divorced. I see my kids every two weeks, deal with my ex, who is incredibly difficult, pay a huge amount of support, and live in a crappy condo. It's not worth it, man. If you can save your marriage, this really is the cheaper option and is the one that will have the least amount of bitterness on everyone's part.

Are you really saying you'd rather remain married to someone who is "incredibly difficult"? I can't believe you are advocating staying married to a person like that just to avoid personal upheaval. Would you give the same advice to a battered woman? Stay or your quality of life will suffer?

Why is there such a lack of respect for men? Why are men expected to be donkeys whose job is to pull the load quietly and shit out some money at regular intervals?

Staying doesn't mean things have to continue exactly the way they did. He can, for instance, make a unilateral decision to switch to a less stressful, less paying job. He'll get some time with the kids, the the wife feel some pain.

And their quality of life would suffer. Yeah, he could have manned up and demanded the wife work but it wouldn't turn out well. I did something similar and got divorced. I see my kids every two weeks, deal with my ex, who is incredibly difficult, pay a huge amount of support, and live in a crappy condo. It's not worth it, man. If you can save your marriage, this really is the cheaper option and is the one that will have the least amount of bitterness on everyone's part.

Anonymous wrote:These posters are gross. Some people would prefer to see another marriage go down in flames. It's interesting, OP. Sad, but true.

X 1000. Unhappy people who can't bear to not get the last word.

Anonymous wrote:

He can also set his expectations before the wife and start holding her accountable for these expectations.

And when it doesn't work (because that won't you can't make people do things they won't do), they'd get divorced. There really are two main choices here.

Staying doesn't mean things have to continue exactly the way they did. He can, for instance, make a unilateral decision to switch to a less stressful, less paying job. He'll get some time with the kids, the the wife feel some pain.

These posters are gross. Some people would prefer to see another marriage go down in flames. It's interesting, OP. Sad, but true.

He can also set his expectations before the wife and start holding her accountable for these expectations.

And when it doesn't work (because that won't you can't make people do things they won't do), they'd get divorced. There really are two main choices here.

Anonymous wrote:
OP could also get a divorce, pay child support, see his kids every other weekend and live in a townhouse like he mentioned.

Sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy. OP made the right choice.

You can apply this to pretty much anything since happiness is completely subjective.

He defined what his happiness definition was. I actually think a lot of people on DCUM should take heed because there are always two choices when it comes to relationships. Stay or Go. The terms vary, but it's up the individual to decide what they want.

A lot of guys and gals choose differently, divorce and choose their own happiness. Kudos to them too.

Anonymous wrote:OP could also get a divorce, pay child support, see his kids every other weekend and live in a townhouse like he mentioned.

Sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy. OP made the right choice.

He can also set his expectations before the wife and start holding her accountable for these expectations. His wife has de facto forced herself into a job with a pay of her choosing and the job description of her choosing. Want to stay at home and NOT cook and clean? No problem. Just make sure to cry. Cry a lot.

Anonymous wrote:OP could also get a divorce, pay child support, see his kids every other weekend and live in a townhouse like he mentioned.

Sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy. OP made the right choice.

You can apply this to pretty much anything since happiness is completely subjective.

Anonymous wrote:

Regardless of what this feels like to you right now, know that you've just taught your wife that the price of getting her way to is to just do whatever she wants and cry a lot and consistently when questioned. This lesson should help you with raising your children. Don't know about grown adults, though.

Honestly, what else can OP do? Yeah, he could bitch and demand that the wifey goes back to the mines, but she's going to be pissed and it will either implode or just be a nasty cycle of people being angry about what they want or don't want. I don't think that's any way to live.

OP, you are doing the right thing. I read the entire thread and it's pretty obvious your wife is kind of mixed up professionally and is taking a break, and focusing on her kids even though the drudgery of being a stay at home mom isn't her cup of tea. Good on you for supporting her, she's lucky. I hope she realizes it and makes the most of the opportunity and figures out why things went badly at her last job and why or what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

That's called "making virtue out of necessity". Just because there isn't anything else OP can do, doesn't mean what he decided to do is good, reasonable or virtuous. It is simply what he is doing because no other options are on the table within his comfort boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:That's awesome, OP. I would sit down with your wife and tell her your thoughts on feeling "forced" into working, and explain how you feel there should have been a conversation. Don't be passive aggressive or dramatic. I would also really carefully think through what you want. As you said, wanting your wife to work although there is no financial benefit right now simply because you find it more attractive and you feel your kids need more structure may be entirely outweighed by the happiness of your wife and children. You also can't make unilateral decisions about what is best for the kids, it needs to be a discussion. Best of luck to you.

I agree with this. Family life is not set in stone. We all make changes and adjust our arrangements (and expectations) many times along the way. I applaud OP's decision to make this work as-is right now, but think it is important for OP to convey this decision (proactive decision) to his wife. In that conversation, OP could tell his wife that he accepts this arrangement at this time, but that going forward they need to have ongoing discussions about their work/life decisions, and that they need to work as a partnership. Together.

Best of luck, OP.

OP could also get a divorce, pay child support, see his kids every other weekend and live in a townhouse like he mentioned.

Sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy. OP made the right choice.