Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 20:32     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:True, but I also think a lot of people, either deliberately or not, don't see the stress their breadwinning spouses are under.


My DH is a stand up guy and I was a SAHM for many years. He never ONCE complained. He went to work faithfully each day, worked long hours, and brought home a nice paycheck.

I returned to work after a few years, because I no longer had toddlers in the house and found that I wanted more. I really noticed a change in my DH after I returned to work...he was more relaxed and started coming home earlier. I realized that my DH was relieved, but only admitted it after I said something. He stopped the long hours because he knew there was a back-up plan and no longer felt the pressure to keep at a grinding pace.

The change in his ability to participate in the kids lives was something I never even anticipated. He used to come home at 7/8 at night on a regular basis and gradually moved back into a normal 40 hour work week. It did not in the least impact his career or earnings. I think he just gave himself permission to have a family life since everyone was not relying on his paycheck. He could have NEVER EVER coached a sports team or been a den leader had he kept up those hours. My DH has really stepped up his game and has made up for a lot of lost time. He is that guy who is coaching and at every school function. My kids glow with pride having their dad around. These years are so short and the gift of time is the most wonderful you can give a child.

Though I enjoyed my years at home with the kids, but I feel sad that my DH did not feel like he had the chance to have the same level of enjoyment until I returned to work. I did not even realize this when I was at home. I just thought his job was demanding, not that he felt compelled to put in crazy hours to make sure he kept his job and was able to provide.




I am pretty sure my husband's stress level went down a lot when I went back to work, even if it made life more hectic. More hectic, but less stressful overall. He never once complained when I was SAH though, and was sweet and appreciative of what I did at home.

I don't assume that is the case for everyone of course. There is no call to be as mean as some PPs have been.


My husband has attended every PTA meeting, served on the executive board even, every soccer practice and game, despite my being a sahm. Maybe it's different bc my salary prekids was only about an eighth of his income and we could never rely on it for a "backup plan" anyway. Extras sure. And there are always more extras to wish for, right? But for now my two year old gets to spend every minute with me and her big brother comes home from school and plays with us, and we all get to relax and hang out at the pool all summer. Dad is happy to join us a few evenings a week, around five.
A stay at home mom doesn't equal a disappearing dad.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 20:26     Subject: Re:SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:I've got no problem with women making the best choices for themselves and their families. But I'm really fascinated by housewives. Every woman in my family has a professional career. The ones who are also moms are great moms. So I'm not really familiar with the housewife model, and have never wanted it for myself (I outsource the stuff I don't want to do). But it's really quite interesting hearing about it. Like visiting a foreign country.


Well someone had to take care of your kids. They don't just take care of themselves. Is it beneath you to provide childcare? It sounds like you only consider certain jobs of value and worthwhile. Raising children not being one of them. It doesn't matter if you stay at home or hire a care provider, but someone will be caring for the kids. For the mother to do it is a perfectly normal and respectable choice. Not some weird aberration. Do you think nannies, childcare providers, daycare workers, and teachers are all 'fascinating' as well since they spend their days caring for your children?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 20:17     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
As a SAHM if my husband left me, I would get a job. Problem solved.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 20:16     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
These statistics don't really make sense here.

http://www.divorcestatistics.org/

If 2nd marriages have a 60% divorce rate, how can the rates of divorce be so low among people who married in their 30s (in the first box). Are they referring to just first time marriages in that first box? And even if so, those statistics don't really tell you much. The people who postpone first marriage might have very different characteristics than those you marry young. I don't know. It doesn't really clear much up.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:41     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Imagine that you won the lottery tomorrow, with annual payments of $1 million+/year for the next 20 years of your life. Would you resent DH or DW if they said to you, "I want to give up my stressful job now, and spend more time with our kids while they are still home. Also, because we now have the money to do so, I would like to hire a nanny to help us around the house with cleaning, cooking, and driving the kids around."

Is that $1M pre or post tax?


Let's say pre-tax, but you can assume post-tax as well for the sake of a better argument.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:29     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:Imagine that you won the lottery tomorrow, with annual payments of $1 million+/year for the next 20 years of your life. Would you resent DH or DW if they said to you, "I want to give up my stressful job now, and spend more time with our kids while they are still home. Also, because we now have the money to do so, I would like to hire a nanny to help us around the house with cleaning, cooking, and driving the kids around."

Is that $1M pre or post tax?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:27     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Imagine that you won the lottery tomorrow, with annual payments of $1 million+/year for the next 20 years of your life. Would you resent DH or DW if they said to you, "I want to give up my stressful job now, and spend more time with our kids while they are still home. Also, because we now have the money to do so, I would like to hire a nanny to help us around the house with cleaning, cooking, and driving the kids around."
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:27     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
I am not a SAHM, but am thinking about it. I don't worry about my marriage ending, but I do occasionally think about how I would fare financially if it were to happen after I stop working. However, I suspect that divorce rates might be lower when one parent stays home to focus on kids. DH and I have been together a long time and are solid, but all the squabbles and tension that do enter into our relationship are a function of both of us having demanding careers and being stressed out trying to juggle those pressures with young kids and couple time (yeah right) and running a home. I honestly think that becoming a SAHM would lower my risk of divorce. I don't think it is a coincidence that US divorce rates skyrocketed when large numbers of women started working in high-pressure fields that were previously male dominated.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:23     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
All good spouses who are concerned about the household stress levels might consider that in some families, where perhaps one spouse or another has truly followed and found their passion in their work, that spouse might find more comfort in knowing someone is always their to take care of the family so that they can pursue their work without having to stress about doctor's appointments, band rehearsals, cleaning the bathrooms, and all the rest. Those type of families, with different economic preferences, exist as well.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 19:09     Subject: Re:SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:I've got no problem with women making the best choices for themselves and their families. But I'm really fascinated by housewives. Every woman in my family has a professional career. The ones who are also moms are great moms. So I'm not really familiar with the housewife model, and have never wanted it for myself (I outsource the stuff I don't want to do). But it's really quite interesting hearing about it. Like visiting a foreign country.


My grandmother was the only woman in my family who practiced her professional career. My sister, for example, attended medical school (1st in her class), residency, and a fellowship at some of the nation's most highly regarded institutions (H/Y/S), and met her future DH along the way. She does not practice medicine, but does sit on several boards of healthcare organizations. My mother and I are similar stories. I guess every family, culture, country has its own patterns.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 18:51     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:True, but I also think a lot of people, either deliberately or not, don't see the stress their breadwinning spouses are under.


My DH is a stand up guy and I was a SAHM for many years. He never ONCE complained. He went to work faithfully each day, worked long hours, and brought home a nice paycheck.

I returned to work after a few years, because I no longer had toddlers in the house and found that I wanted more. I really noticed a change in my DH after I returned to work...he was more relaxed and started coming home earlier. I realized that my DH was relieved, but only admitted it after I said something. He stopped the long hours because he knew there was a back-up plan and no longer felt the pressure to keep at a grinding pace.

The change in his ability to participate in the kids lives was something I never even anticipated. He used to come home at 7/8 at night on a regular basis and gradually moved back into a normal 40 hour work week. It did not in the least impact his career or earnings. I think he just gave himself permission to have a family life since everyone was not relying on his paycheck. He could have NEVER EVER coached a sports team or been a den leader had he kept up those hours. My DH has really stepped up his game and has made up for a lot of lost time. He is that guy who is coaching and at every school function. My kids glow with pride having their dad around. These years are so short and the gift of time is the most wonderful you can give a child.

Though I enjoyed my years at home with the kids, but I feel sad that my DH did not feel like he had the chance to have the same level of enjoyment until I returned to work. I did not even realize this when I was at home. I just thought his job was demanding, not that he felt compelled to put in crazy hours to make sure he kept his job and was able to provide.


I am pretty sure my husband's stress level went down a lot when I went back to work, even if it made life more hectic. More hectic, but less stressful overall. He never once complained when I was SAH though, and was sweet and appreciative of what I did at home.

I don't assume that is the case for everyone of course. There is no call to be as mean as some PPs have been.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 18:32     Subject: Re:SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
I've got no problem with women making the best choices for themselves and their families. But I'm really fascinated by housewives. Every woman in my family has a professional career. The ones who are also moms are great moms. So I'm not really familiar with the housewife model, and have never wanted it for myself (I outsource the stuff I don't want to do). But it's really quite interesting hearing about it. Like visiting a foreign country.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 18:02     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
I am a SAHM who rarely gets involved in these discussions... and I'm wondering do you guys just post in each thread? Is it 5-10 moms who just bicker with each other every time this stuff comes up? What is the point? It's like arguing religion and politics. You aren't going to change anyone's mind.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 17:53     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?


LOL

I remember going to Target on my day off and the stay at home mom crew gave me dirty looks like I didn't belong. All of them in yoga pants, hat, workout shirt and holding something from Starbucks while 'shopping'. What a pathetic existence.


Yup, you are a more evolved being because you work; whatever it takes to make yourself feel better about yourself.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2014 15:48     Subject: SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?
Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?


Open your legs and let em find you.