Anonymous wrote:It depends HOW they do it. My mother was a SAHM and our house was always dirty and she was always laying on the couch in her nightgown watching soaps and talk shows when I came home. It wasn't some super clean house with cookies fresh from the oven after school. She never made me breakfast. She never decorated the house for any holidays. She often "forgot" to take anything out to defrost for dinner and we scrambled to pull together a meal.

So someone like that, I don't feel good. A friend of mine is a SAHM and she gets dressed each morning when her kids do, makes them breakfast, makes their lunches with them, keeps up the house, is always arranging play dates, does holiday decor, makes homemade treats for her kids to pass out to their classes for their birthdays, invites people over spontaneously, etc. She's a great SAHM. She treats it like a full time job.

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Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

It's the special/high needs. DH and I say that one SN kid is like having three. Sounds like you are burning out, pp.

They aren’t burnt out. The nanny handles everything. She questions if that is best.

She said “AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I hava fantastic nanny, family in town, and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.”

I have been a member of the special needs parent community for a long time and hear this from parents are burning out, understandably.

Sahm who has a special needs kid and no nanny or family help. When mine was young they were in a special preschool and 1-2 therapies a day every day. It was a full time job. You have no idea as you’ve never done it.

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And you robbed your children of one of the most important experiences of their lives, and one which can't be experienced later in life: of being taken care of by someone who loves you completely and totally. They will never experience that in life. Ever. And that is very sad IMO.

Maybe? My own mother was like you and now that I’m a mother I find her behavior odd. I could write a novel on her bad parenting, but let’s just say that because if it I want to work and not stay home. She was also against “strangers” raising her children and thought she was so much better than others for prioritizing child rearing over money.

And, my mom prioritized my dad and her and his careers. I ended up doing most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry to keep the peace and had to sacrifice my teen years to their needs. I could not do sports or activities because it would inconvenience them. When I worked they took my money and barely gave me spending money except a rare occasion. They constantly screamed poverty when they both had good professional jobs and were being gifted money for our college and themselves. They inherited a ton and we never saw a dime. They were quick to help others but could not be bothered getting their kid a birthday present or their grandkids. So, yup, I choose the exact opposite.

I mean, you had a bad mom. But that had nothing to do with SAH. She would have been a bad mom as a working mom too.

Frankly this is all so much nonsense because working or staying home is pretty much irrelevant to outcome. Are you an alcoholic? Prone to rages? Financially unstable? Malicious? Physically or emotionally abusive? That’s going to matter a lot more to outcome than whether you stayed home or not.

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Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

It's the special/high needs. DH and I say that one SN kid is like having three. Sounds like you are burning out, pp.

They aren’t burnt out. The nanny handles everything. She questions if that is best.

She said “AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I hava fantastic nanny, family in town, and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.”

I have been a member of the special needs parent community for a long time and hear this from parents are burning out, understandably.

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And you robbed your children of one of the most important experiences of their lives, and one which can't be experienced later in life: of being taken care of by someone who loves you completely and totally. They will never experience that in life. Ever. And that is very sad IMO.

Maybe? My own mother was like you and now that I’m a mother I find her behavior odd. I could write a novel on her bad parenting, but let’s just say that because if it I want to work and not stay home. She was also against “strangers” raising her children and thought she was so much better than others for prioritizing child rearing over money.

And, my mom prioritized my dad and her and his careers. I ended up doing most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry to keep the peace and had to sacrifice my teen years to their needs. I could not do sports or activities because it would inconvenience them. When I worked they took my money and barely gave me spending money except a rare occasion. They constantly screamed poverty when they both had good professional jobs and were being gifted money for our college and themselves. They inherited a ton and we never saw a dime. They were quick to help others but could not be bothered getting their kid a birthday present or their grandkids. So, yup, I choose the exact opposite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

It's the special/high needs. DH and I say that one SN kid is like having three. Sounds like you are burning out, pp.

They aren’t burnt out. The nanny handles everything. She questions if that is best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

It's the special/high needs. DH and I say that one SN kid is like having three. Sounds like you are burning out, pp.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And you robbed your children of one of the most important experiences of their lives, and one which can't be experienced later in life: of being taken care of by someone who loves you completely and totally. They will never experience that in life. Ever. And that is very sad IMO.

Maybe? My own mother was like you and now that I’m a mother I find her behavior odd. I could write a novel on her bad parenting, but let’s just say that because if it I want to work and not stay home. She was also against “strangers” raising her children and thought she was so much better than others for prioritizing child rearing over money.

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

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You mean people like me, who are very well-read, can discuss most current events with intelligence and some background knowledge, and also earn significant passive income from my dividends?

I'm doing great, thank you. Feel free to think whatever you want about me.

That fact that you replied sort of indicates you care what people think.

I only judge those that do not contribute in any way to society - volunteer work, pta, kids activities, anything. If all they do is care for their kids, then I judge them as incredibly selfish and lazy.

And what if they're looking after a child with special needs? Or another relative? What if they themselves have a chronic illness and cannot work?
What if the special needs or illness in question is invisible to you?

Judging based on incomplete information is not wise, PP. You never know what's going on in people's lives. Have a little respect and humility.

🙄 that’s exactly what I was saying - they contribute NOTHING to society. Going down the tangent of disabilities for the parent is way off OP’s topic and you know it.

I’m talking about people who get the non special needs kids to school, hit the gym/spa/nail grab lunch with friends, pick up kids and drive them to activities. Then go home and do it all over the next day for 18 years. Then continue to do nothing outside of their own pleasures. Completely selfish.

Anonymous wrote:Its not easy to be a full time parent. Not everyone can do it. Its easier to parent part time with someone else substituting for 8+ waking hours. If one can't do full time because they want or need to be away for a valid reason like finances or mental health, there is no shame in it.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And you robbed your children of one of the most important experiences of their lives, and one which can't be experienced later in life: of being taken care of by someone who loves you completely and totally. They will never experience that in life. Ever. And that is very sad IMO.

Maybe? My own mother was like you and now that I’m a mother I find her behavior odd. I could write a novel on her bad parenting, but let’s just say that because if it I want to work and not stay home. She was also against “strangers” raising her children and thought she was so much better than others for prioritizing child rearing over money.

I mean, so what. I don't understand how a post about your own mother proves anything. Maybe you're a better person because you weren't raised by strangers who didn't love you and only saw you as a paycheck, despite how little your respect your mother.