Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:23
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
OP, I think you know deep down it doesn't really matter whose right or wrong here. You could be 100% right and still setting yourself and your family up for failure. If your DH was reading this I'd say the same thing to him.
We all have unresolved baggage from our upbringings that rears its head when we become parents. Unless you find the prospects of a court mandated 50% custody arrangement appealing (which is what your OP sounds like) you both need to get to therapy ASAP. If you don't, you're going to start seeing behavioral issues in your daughter sooner rather than later regardless of whether you stay married.
We all have unresolved baggage from our upbringings that rears its head when we become parents. Unless you find the prospects of a court mandated 50% custody arrangement appealing (which is what your OP sounds like) you both need to get to therapy ASAP. If you don't, you're going to start seeing behavioral issues in your daughter sooner rather than later regardless of whether you stay married.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:18
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?
Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.
Idiot.
A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.
^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.
It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:12
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?
Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.
Idiot.
A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.
^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:10
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?
Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.
Idiot.
A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:07
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:You’ve got to hold the boundary.
I’ve been in your shoes and clear expectations and boundaries are crucial. Also, you are being completely reasonable.
+1. You're doing great. You are doing the things for your family. You are doing fine by your kid.
I don't think outsourcing is the answer to your larger husband problem, but if there are things you can do to make your life easier, that's one of the things I wish I'd done more of.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 16:00
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
You’ve got to hold the boundary.
I’ve been in your shoes and clear expectations and boundaries are crucial. Also, you are being completely reasonable.
I’ve been in your shoes and clear expectations and boundaries are crucial. Also, you are being completely reasonable.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:40
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?
Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.
Idiot.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:38
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.
But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.
What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.
What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.
I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.
My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.
I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.
Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.
The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!
I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.
Sticking to her boundaries when her DH was being a big baby is not "throwing a tantrum."
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:25
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
I didn’t read all pages of this but per the original post Saturday AM was mom alone time and he did take DD and came back “around noon.” Which seems like the exact agreed upon transition time. Don’t understand what the issue is but clearly a dysfunctional relationship here. Poor kid.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:22
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
My husband and I do this, too. Ignore the haters who think moms shouldn't get 5 hours to themselves on the regular. Those people are nuts. And we have two kids and are planning a third. Needing or wanting breaks doesn't make you a bad or inattentive parent. Oh, and the sexism is rampant on this. Any father who said he spent every second of the weekend with his kids "except for golf on Saturday morning," including handling them solo every Saturday evening, would be hailed as a conquering hero.
Couple points:
1) I do think, if you're splitting it this way every week, you are getting more/better time off than he is. If she's up at 7am, going down for a nap at 1pm, up at 3pm, and down for the night at 7pm (pretty typical), you're getting six hours off while your daughter is awake and he's only getting four, plus, you get the advantage of sleeping in (so blissful). You might want to mix it up a bit, so sometimes you get the afternoon and he gets the morning.
2) You've two have to talk. After bedtime tonight. "Hey - what was up with that text? I thought we had a deal about Saturday that we were both happy with. I'm certainly open to adjusting the routine if it's not working for you, either one time or more generally (*see point 1) but I don't appreciate being called petty and selfish."
3) If he won't budge, then yeah, he can send all the nasty texts he wants. I agree on holding the boundary with childcare that he agreed to do!
Couple points:
1) I do think, if you're splitting it this way every week, you are getting more/better time off than he is. If she's up at 7am, going down for a nap at 1pm, up at 3pm, and down for the night at 7pm (pretty typical), you're getting six hours off while your daughter is awake and he's only getting four, plus, you get the advantage of sleeping in (so blissful). You might want to mix it up a bit, so sometimes you get the afternoon and he gets the morning.
2) You've two have to talk. After bedtime tonight. "Hey - what was up with that text? I thought we had a deal about Saturday that we were both happy with. I'm certainly open to adjusting the routine if it's not working for you, either one time or more generally (*see point 1) but I don't appreciate being called petty and selfish."
3) If he won't budge, then yeah, he can send all the nasty texts he wants. I agree on holding the boundary with childcare that he agreed to do!
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:14
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:10
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Good Lord.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:10
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.
I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.
OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:09
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.
But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.
What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.
What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.
I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.
My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.
I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.
Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.
The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!
I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.
I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.
So you quit the one thing that was giving you respect (lawyer) and now have the least respected job out there, the SAHM. And now you don’t bring in any income, so you’ve lost your negotiating power with DH.
I don’t get it?
Hey, I get it. The assumption is that SAHM work is not respectable.
Sounds like great partner material there.
People like you should probably not have children.
Anonymous
04/17/2023 15:07
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.
But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.
What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.
What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.
I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.
My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.
I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.
Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.
The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!
I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.
I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.
Do you always make everything all about you?
Do you always question why someone would want to be treated fairly?