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Anonymous wrote:I know this is an old thread... but I really hate when people say no kids and then still invite kids.

If an event is truly 18+ or 21+ that is totally fine! Say that! But dont say "no kids" and then invite other peoples kids. Just invite the adults.

I had an 18+ wedding. No kids were invited, no kids attended.

It's their party and they can do what they want to.

It's improper etiquette and poor hosting.

But sure, they can also charge people a cover fee. It's their party. Doesnt not make it tacky and rude.

So you'd prefer that the invitation say "Jane and Sarah can bring their kids, but Kim and Debbie can not." Would that be clearer for you?

Err no. You'd address the invite Sarah, Jane, Larla and Larlo for one family and Kim and Debbie to the other family. No need to say who isn't invited, only who is.

I think you're being purposely obtuse now though.

Sure, sure, so then Kim and Debbie call the bride to ask if they can bring their kids. The bride says no. Kim and Debbie show up to the wedding and there are kids there.

HOW IS THAT ANY BETTER? You're the one being obtuse. You're acting like there's some way to do this that won't offend the snowflakes who can't fathom that their children wouldn't be invited to a wedding.

I have two kids. I could not care less whether or not they were invited to a wedding. If they were invited, great. If not, great. You people are so selfish and self-absorbed, it's really quite a sight to behold.

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure I'm the OP of the thread from a while ago. It was a ton of very young kids. Like 4 ring bearers all under age 4 and 3 flower girls all under age 4. So it was 7 kids. All of us with kids that weren't allowed were all older, more well behaved.

All other no kids weddings had 0 kids. Except one where the nephew whose Dad was the groom's brother and murdered that year. So made total sense nephew was there in his Dad's place.

So? These kids are in the wedding party and obviously very close to the bride and groom. Why weren't your very well behaved kids even asked? That will tell you why some very few kids were allowed and yours weren't.

Anonymous wrote:I was always relieved to receive a no kids invitation. It meant I could decline without remorse or guilt!

Love it!

I was always relieved to receive a no kids invitation. It meant I could decline without remorse or guilt!

"I arrived to a wedding and was told by an usher not to sit in the front row, even thought I prefer it and can see best from there. But then the bride and groom's families were sitting in the front row!"

"The bride and groom had a small cake to cut for tradition, and then pre-cut sheet cake slices for the rest of the guests. I wanted a piece of the smaller, nicer cake but only members of the wedding party got a piece!"

This is how you sound.

I was under the impression that you don’t bring anyone who isn’t on the invitation.

Example: Mr. & Mrs. =2
Example: The Blank Family =4

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure I'm the OP of the thread from a while ago. It was a ton of very young kids. Like 4 ring bearers all under age 4 and 3 flower girls all under age 4. So it was 7 kids. All of us with kids that weren't allowed were all older, more well behaved.

All other no kids weddings had 0 kids. Except one where the nephew whose Dad was the groom's brother and murdered that year. So made total sense nephew was there in his Dad's place.

Ok, some of you either have not planned weddings or were asleep at the wheel when you planned your wedding, because these complaints are idiotic. The expectation that as a regular guest at a wedding (so NOT in the wedding party, not immediate family of bride or groom), your kids should be invited if any other kids are invited, is unbelievably entitled. In many cases you are talking about doubling the number of people in your party. Now multiply that by the the number of parents invited to the wedding. How can you not understand this?

My wedding was a decade ago, but I still remember dealing with these logistics and having to make hard choices. Our venue had a hard limit of 120 people. After family and wedding party (which included, GASP, six kids, all of whom were our nieces and nephews and all in the wedding itself) we were playing with about 60 other guests.

We were able to narrow our list of friends, including a handful of colleagues, down to about 50 people, which included married and long-term-partnered friends where the invitation was addressed to both people. Some of these couples had kids, all pretty young (I'd say the older was 8 or 9 at the time, most under age 6). Inviting all the kids in this group, which we would need to do to be fair because none of these kids were in the wedding party and there was no way to choose some kids over others really, would have added about 20 guests to our invite list. I know not all of these people would have brought their kids, but it was hard to know who would have and who wouldn't, so if we did this, that was going to be it for our guest list. Because our venue limit was very firm, we really did not want to overshoot with our invite list by much, especially because we had a good sense of a high positive RSVP likelihood.

But here's the thing. That list of 50ish friends also included around 15 people who were single at the time. We also had another 15 or so family members who were single. I have been to enough weddings as a single to feel like it's really valuable and kind to offer single friends the option to bring a plus one to a wedding, if possible. I also felt that any plus one would be much more likely to enjoy this wedding than the vast majority of our friends very young children. So we chose to offer plus ones to all single guests, but not invite anyone's kids (again, except the six nieces and nephews who were automatic invites as they are family and were in the wedding). I have ZERO regrets about this, and in fact know several friends who were grateful for the opportunity to bring a date to the wedding. Our wedding was very fun.

If any of our guests showed up to our wedding, saw our six nieces and nephews, and thought "Ugh, rude! If there were going to be kids at this wedding, why didn't MY kids get an invite?" without considering that they were in a category of guests where inviting their kids would also have meant inviting another 13-14 kids and not allowing our single guests to bring dates, I don't honestly have a ton of sympathy. Sorry? I am a parent now and get it's hard to find sitters for events like that. It's a hard time to have a wedding, when you have friends who are parents, who are married, who are single and dating. It's very hard to accommodate everyone. I can envision a different wedding where we prioritized inviting families over plus ones, an that could be a great wedding too. It's not the one we had.

If this is really something you still think about YEARS later, regarding weddings of friends who really had no obligation to invite your children to the wedding and where doing so might have been a major logistical challenge, you need to let. it. go. This is just how it is when you host large, catered events at a venue. I don't get how anyone who has ever had their own wedding wouldn't get this and just be understanding.

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

+1. Kids do not want to sit at the table and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches and adults trying to dance without getting cake smeared all over their best clothes. GTFOH. I have seen older people trip over running kids at a wedding, it was quite a catastrophe. Kids and weddings don't mix.

Are there adults who want to sit and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches?

Are you seriously saying you don't know the difference between a child and an adult??

I’m saying I’ve never been to a wedding that was that bad.

Although I’ll own now that I misread your original comment.

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

+1. Kids do not want to sit at the table and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches and adults trying to dance without getting cake smeared all over their best clothes. GTFOH. I have seen older people trip over running kids at a wedding, it was quite a catastrophe. Kids and weddings don't mix.

Are there adults who want to sit and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches?

Are you seriously saying you don't know the difference between a child and an adult??

I’m saying I’ve never been to a wedding that was that bad.

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

7 year olds will definitely not remember the wedding, and 10 year olds might barely remember the wedding. If you want the kids in the photos, fine, but don't pretend the kids want to be there, or actually care.

An 8 year old I know very well was devastated not to be invited to her uncle’s wedding, but okay.

"Devastated"?? Sure.

Do you not know any 8 year olds? She was super hurt. Not all of them would be but this is within the range of normal for that age.

Blame yourselves for your hurt kids who shouldn’t have even known about or expected to be invited. That’s all on the parents.

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. Obviously an 8 year old knows about a family wedding and may have been to other weddings. No one needs to suggest something to an 8 year old for them to independently have ideas and feelings of their own.

Look, it’s fine to exclude children and draw your boundary. Own it. Your niece and nephew may be disappointed and everyone will deal (this family did) — but you don’t get to blame their parents for their feelings, of all things. 🙄

Own that it’s your job to manage expectations in your household. A lot if kids don’t care about weddings and don’t want to go.

Absolutely the parents' job and yes, I'm sure that is true for many but not all kids. Just to be clear: a PP wrote "7 year olds will definitely not remember the wedding, and 10 year olds might barely remember the wedding. If you want the kids in the photos, fine, but don't pretend the kids want to be there, or actually care." That is what I and several others disagreed with.

What does a 7 year old know about a wedding? Have they been to many before? Where did they get the idea this was a party for them that they would even be included in? If my kids asked if they could go I'd just say "Sorry adults only" and they would be find b/c an adults only party isn't something they would be interested in.

What on earth? You're against having kids at weddings - ok. But to act like a normal 7 year old doesn't know what one is and that it's a big deal?

DP here. You are very dramatic - and your kid picks up on it. In case that is of any concern to you - which it should be.

I didn't write DP but that was my first post on that particular thread. I can't understand how someone can honestly say a 7 year old would have not know from a wedding or have an idea it's something they might attend. TV, movies, fairy tales, friends, and other family weddings... I can't see how a person makes such an argument in good faith, unless the child has severe special needs.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, my cousins married 10 years ago and designated it "no kids." We flew across the country to attend but then my dh had to babysit in the hotel room while I visited with my family at the wedding. I was miffed because we made a big effort to be there, and yet couldn't bring our two kids.
Now they are the parents of two young boys, and I HIGHLY DOUBT they would appreciate someone telling them not to bring those kids to a wedding.
I hate no-kid weddings.

Our wedding was "no kids under age 15."

Now we have two kids of our own and are raising, through kinship care, two relatives, all of whom are under age 10.

We've been invited to three family weddings in the past five years, all of which were "no kids." Were we upset? Not at all! We completely understood and honored the bride and groom's wishes. In fact, we would've been surprised if our children were invited, for weddings aren't very fun for little children, nor would most children enjoy the type of food served at most weddings.

For my cousin's wedding, DH's sister babysat. For the weddings of DH's sister and DH's nephew, my sister babysat. We actually appreciated the evenings out, but had we not had access to a babysitter, we would've just divided and conquered, with one of us attending the wedding and the other staying home with the children.

I cannot imagine assuming children are invited UNLESS the invitation said "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and Family" or "The Smith Family." It is unfathomable that people just assume their entire family is invited to an expensive, formal event.

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

7 year olds will definitely not remember the wedding, and 10 year olds might barely remember the wedding. If you want the kids in the photos, fine, but don't pretend the kids want to be there, or actually care.

An 8 year old I know very well was devastated not to be invited to her uncle’s wedding, but okay.

"Devastated"?? Sure.

Do you not know any 8 year olds? She was super hurt. Not all of them would be but this is within the range of normal for that age.

Blame yourselves for your hurt kids who shouldn’t have even known about or expected to be invited. That’s all on the parents.

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. Obviously an 8 year old knows about a family wedding and may have been to other weddings. No one needs to suggest something to an 8 year old for them to independently have ideas and feelings of their own.

Look, it’s fine to exclude children and draw your boundary. Own it. Your niece and nephew may be disappointed and everyone will deal (this family did) — but you don’t get to blame their parents for their feelings, of all things. 🙄

Own that it’s your job to manage expectations in your household. A lot if kids don’t care about weddings and don’t want to go.

Absolutely the parents' job and yes, I'm sure that is true for many but not all kids. Just to be clear: a PP wrote "7 year olds will definitely not remember the wedding, and 10 year olds might barely remember the wedding. If you want the kids in the photos, fine, but don't pretend the kids want to be there, or actually care." That is what I and several others disagreed with.

What does a 7 year old know about a wedding? Have they been to many before? Where did they get the idea this was a party for them that they would even be included in? If my kids asked if they could go I'd just say "Sorry adults only" and they would be find b/c an adults only party isn't something they would be interested in.

What on earth? You're against having kids at weddings - ok. But to act like a normal 7 year old doesn't know what one is and that it's a big deal?

DP here. You are very dramatic - and your kid picks up on it. In case that is of any concern to you - which it should be.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

+1. Kids do not want to sit at the table and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches and adults trying to dance without getting cake smeared all over their best clothes. GTFOH. I have seen older people trip over running kids at a wedding, it was quite a catastrophe. Kids and weddings don't mix.

Are there adults who want to sit and wait out 4-8 hours of speeches?

Are you seriously saying you don't know the difference between a child and an adult??

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Anonymous wrote:One of my friends is marrying in her mid 30s. EVERYONE she knows has kids and babies. Her kid count was higher than her adult count (a lot have 3 kids). DC weddings are $200+ a person and often kids aren't any cheaper. In addition to the cost, when people bring their kids, they usually have to leave around 9pm, kids are often on the dance floor rolling like logs and preventing people from dancing, and kids run around.

She did however want her niece and nephew there. Her sister has to fly in for the wedding and couldn't leave them at home, whereas all the other people with kids are local and can get babysitters easily. Her niece and nephew are both 7 and will remember the wedding and care about coming.

I see nothing wrong with inviting some kids and not others. I invited my first cousins (teenagers) when I got married, but not my coworker's kids (toddlers).

7 year olds will definitely not remember the wedding, and 10 year olds might barely remember the wedding. If you want the kids in the photos, fine, but don't pretend the kids want to be there, or actually care.

An 8 year old I know very well was devastated not to be invited to her uncle’s wedding, but okay.

"Devastated"?? Sure.

Do you not know any 8 year olds? She was super hurt. Not all of them would be but this is within the range of normal for that age.

Blame yourselves for your hurt kids who shouldn’t have even known about or expected to be invited. That’s all on the parents.

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. Obviously an 8 year old knows about a family wedding and may have been to other weddings. No one needs to suggest something to an 8 year old for them to independently have ideas and feelings of their own.

Look, it’s fine to exclude children and draw your boundary. Own it. Your niece and nephew may be disappointed and everyone will deal (this family did) — but you don’t get to blame their parents for their feelings, of all things. 🙄

DP here. the parents tend to hype things up, in situations such as these. Kids hear you, they are not stupid. Stop trying to make them your puppets.

Do people think kids don’t notice if their parents leave town for an event? We left our kids behind for the first time when my oldest was 5, and the wedding was in another city. We talked about it as minimally as possible because we knew our 5yo wouldn’t like being excluded. It was all fine and I’m not saying the couple should have done anything different, but my 5yo noticed she was excluded and didn’t like it with us (the parents) saying as little as possible and making her time with grandma as fun as possible. Again this was fine, but I don’t know why it stretches credulity for some people that a child would have feelings about missing out on a family event.

Sorry don’t buy it. If you were leaving for a couples weekend you would just do it. Your kid is going to be excluded sometimes. If you can’t bear to be away for a weekend from each other then never go away again. But you’re letting a 5 yr call the shots here and that’s not how all families work. Don’t put this on the bride and groom that you can’t tell your kid no.

I feel like you did not read what I wrote.

This was our first trip away, not everyone does couples weekends on the regular. I absolutely have no problem with the no kids policy on that wedding and we did it and everyone lived. The question was whether children have feelings about being excluded. I’m guessing the parents for whom it is a bigger deal to leave the kids are the ones who don’t do that on the regular.

Right, so this was about you and your feelings. It's a HUGE deal for you to go away for a weekend and your kid totally picked up on that. Your kid doesn't know they are excluded if you don't tell them they are. A 5 yr old only knows that you're leaving. Managing expectations better instead of "oh how we wish you could go! It would be so fun! But alas, the bride says you can't go." Your kid felt excluded because you told her she was.

I was pretty happy with how we pulled this off and managed it all but thank you so much for your unsolicited advice.

Pretty sure I'm the OP of the thread from a while ago. It was a ton of very young kids. Like 4 ring bearers all under age 4 and 3 flower girls all under age 4. So it was 7 kids. All of us with kids that weren't allowed were all older, more well behaved.

All other no kids weddings had 0 kids. Except one where the nephew whose Dad was the groom's brother and murdered that year. So made total sense nephew was there in his Dad's place.