Anonymous wrote:You have to move. Your husband and MIL will never change. My marriage only survives because the looney lives too far away to drive over. Plus, I refuse to move from this shoebox I call a house since there is no place for them to stay when they visit… the cheap people have to pay for a hotel. It limits how long and how frequently they can visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.

Sadly this is true in many cases with Indian families. In my case, I am the daughter of Indian parents but married to a non-Indian with a (luckily) very functional family. In my case, my brother and parents are extremely codependent and expect the same from me, though I have my own family. My brother is unmarried and childless, and has intertwined himself so completely with my parents, that I always fall short of ‘being there’ for my family. In hindsight, my mom set the scene for this dynamic when we were children, that we must always be there for our blood family and any amount of abusive behavior should be forgiven, because ‘he is your brother’.

My husband has been frustrated with this dynamic for years. My family has always dictated the terms of our interactions and admittedly, I fed into this dynamic and was part of the dysfunction, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting my mom and brother.

Finally, my husband had to basically issue an ultimatum and while I was initially upset, it helped me realize how dysfunctional my family dynamic is and that something has to change if I want to stay married. So I started drawing boundaries with my parents and brother, and as you can imagine, this has not gone over well with anyone. My brother decided I am useless in his life and my parents still cater to his emotional outbursts, but since I have taken myself out of the equation, slowly things have started to change. There have been many bumps in the road, but I am hopeful that things will get better over time for everyone.

I wanted to tell you as someone in your husbands position, that it is possible for the dynamic to change if he is willing to really look at his own behavior. It was very painful for me but I had to realize that it was very unfair to my husband and kids to continue with the dysfunctional dynamic.

Hugs, this is very difficult and we don’t always know when we get married how things will turn out, it’s not always easy to say no to someone because they have a difficult relationship with their family. I hope you are able to find some resolution but I definitely think drawing boundaries, at least with your own behavior/reactions is a start. In my husbands case, he simply started saying no to requests, and I eventually came around to doing the same.

In *some* Indian families but not all - in your case, it sounds like you need some therapy because my family is not like this AT ALL. I am also Indian, married to a Caucasian Mama's boy. It has taken me 10 years to get him away from calling Mom about every little thing. Even now, I think he shares way too much info, but at least she no longer has any influence over our decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.

Sadly this is true in many cases with Indian families. In my case, I am the daughter of Indian parents but married to a non-Indian with a (luckily) very functional family. In my case, my brother and parents are extremely codependent and expect the same from me, though I have my own family. My brother is unmarried and childless, and has intertwined himself so completely with my parents, that I always fall short of ‘being there’ for my family. In hindsight, my mom set the scene for this dynamic when we were children, that we must always be there for our blood family and any amount of abusive behavior should be forgiven, because ‘he is your brother’.

My husband has been frustrated with this dynamic for years. My family has always dictated the terms of our interactions and admittedly, I fed into this dynamic and was part of the dysfunction, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting my mom and brother.

Finally, my husband had to basically issue an ultimatum and while I was initially upset, it helped me realize how dysfunctional my family dynamic is and that something has to change if I want to stay married. So I started drawing boundaries with my parents and brother, and as you can imagine, this has not gone over well with anyone. My brother decided I am useless in his life and my parents still cater to his emotional outbursts, but since I have taken myself out of the equation, slowly things have started to change. There have been many bumps in the road, but I am hopeful that things will get better over time for everyone.

I wanted to tell you as someone in your husbands position, that it is possible for the dynamic to change if he is willing to really look at his own behavior. It was very painful for me but I had to realize that it was very unfair to my husband and kids to continue with the dysfunctional dynamic.

Hugs, this is very difficult and we don’t always know when we get married how things will turn out, it’s not always easy to say no to someone because they have a difficult relationship with their family. I hope you are able to find some resolution but I definitely think drawing boundaries, at least with your own behavior/reactions is a start. In my husbands case, he simply started saying no to requests, and I eventually came around to doing the same.

In *some* Indian families but not all - in your case, it sounds like you need some therapy because my family is not like this AT ALL. I am also Indian, married to a Caucasian Mama's boy. It has taken me 10 years to get him away from calling Mom about every little thing. Even now, I think he shares way too much info, but at least she no longer has any influence over our decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.

Sadly this is true in many cases with Indian families. In my case, I am the daughter of Indian parents but married to a non-Indian with a (luckily) very functional family. In my case, my brother and parents are extremely codependent and expect the same from me, though I have my own family. My brother is unmarried and childless, and has intertwined himself so completely with my parents, that I always fall short of ‘being there’ for my family. In hindsight, my mom set the scene for this dynamic when we were children, that we must always be there for our blood family and any amount of abusive behavior should be forgiven, because ‘he is your brother’.

My husband has been frustrated with this dynamic for years. My family has always dictated the terms of our interactions and admittedly, I fed into this dynamic and was part of the dysfunction, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting my mom and brother.

Finally, my husband had to basically issue an ultimatum and while I was initially upset, it helped me realize how dysfunctional my family dynamic is and that something has to change if I want to stay married. So I started drawing boundaries with my parents and brother, and as you can imagine, this has not gone over well with anyone. My brother decided I am useless in his life and my parents still cater to his emotional outbursts, but since I have taken myself out of the equation, slowly things have started to change. There have been many bumps in the road, but I am hopeful that things will get better over time for everyone.

I wanted to tell you as someone in your husbands position, that it is possible for the dynamic to change if he is willing to really look at his own behavior. It was very painful for me but I had to realize that it was very unfair to my husband and kids to continue with the dysfunctional dynamic.

Hugs, this is very difficult and we don’t always know when we get married how things will turn out, it’s not always easy to say no to someone because they have a difficult relationship with their family. I hope you are able to find some resolution but I definitely think drawing boundaries, at least with your own behavior/reactions is a start. In my husbands case, he simply started saying no to requests, and I eventually came around to doing the same.

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to get a great job across the country or abroad. Distance is the only thing that will solve this.

Also, how old are you?

I would be tempted to divorce and start over. Kids with this man will be a disaster.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, leave.