Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Stop making excuses. You were given a blueprint above. I would say, err on the side of forgiveness for your older son, for whom this is a first offense, but MAKE SURE he understands he can never do this again. If he's the type to bottle everything up because he's borderline Aspie and cannot communicate well, then you need to explain this to him, and tell him he cannot let it get to the point where he has a physical reaction against you. Explain the difference between a random attack, where he should use self-defense, and hitting someone who is not causing bodily harm.

It sounds like you have communication problems as well. My teen has ADHD and is borderline Asperger's, and I have had so many conversations about all these things since he was little.

Anonymous wrote:WTF??!!

If my teen slapped me life as he knew it would be over. I just can’t get the image of HIM telling you that you need to time to calm down because you didn’t accept his apology!!! My mind is blown. In my house every single privilege my child has would end. His room would be stripped, electronics confiscated and good luck getting to sports practice—and by the way you don’t own a baseball bat or glove anymore.

THIS ! 100% And his struggling social existence would be the last thing on my mind. I’m seeing red just imagining this scenario.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Look, OP, you can’t not talk to him when he comes to apologize. You’ve done that twice, right? He will stop trying. TALK. Thank him for talking to you and apologizing. If you don’t think he is sorry for hitting you, tell him you feel like he doesn’t fully understand what he did. Then tell him what it felt like to you, and what you feel now. MODEL for him how he should talk and behave in this situation so he can learn. Punish him clearly with loss of privileges or whatever - never punish someone by withholding communication or love. You need to try to understand what motivated him. Does he really feel so desperate to have you understand his frustration with his brother that he hit you so you felt pain? Is he actually furious with you for making him deal with his brother’s behavior? Does know hitting is very wrong and you can’t hit your mother but he has impulse control problems and he lost control? Those are all different problems and you’d approach them differently. If these aren’t conversations you can have (and teens are resistant to talking about motivations and feelings) then a therapist needs to help you.

Anonymous wrote:
Has he apologized for hitting his mother in the face yet? Or just for being angry?

He apologized for slapping my face

Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

WTF??!!

If my teen slapped me life as he knew it would be over. I just can’t get the image of HIM telling you that you need to time to calm down because you didn’t accept his apology!!! My mind is blown. In my house every single privilege my child has would end. His room would be stripped, electronics confiscated and good luck getting to sports practice—and by the way you don’t own a baseball bat or glove anymore.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

m


It’s not going to do irrrparable harm to his social life to be essentially grounded for two weeks. What in the world should a teen get severe co sequences for if not slapping a woman in the face? My son’s normal teen lifestyle would come to a screeching halt if he did this.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Has he apologized for hitting his mother in the face yet? Or just for being angry?

Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Y’all are nuts. That kid needs his ass kicked. Dad should have stepped in. My DH would never allow anyone to slap me. And my boys have known that since they were very young.

Anonymous wrote:1. Older son is grounded. No tech. No keys. No going anywhere. No paying, cooking, cleaning, no lifting a finger for him. He needs a lecture by both parents about how he CANNOT hit his parents, no matter the provocation.

2. Separately, you need to understand how you've created this situation by constantly expecting him to take the younger sibling's abuse. Cornered people will lash out, OP. Consider it your wake-up call before he spends his adult life hating you and needing therapy because you did not protect him from the monster sibling.

3. Separately, you need to do better with your younger child. I suppose you have updated his neuropsychological evaluation, and the psychiatrist is on top of medication? I haven't read beyond the first post, but his medical/behavioral needs really must not be allowed to spill over like this. I know that with severe mental health disorders it can be very difficult to deal with, and expensive in-patient programs might be necessary, but since you didn't actually come out with the name of a severe disorder in the OP, it looks as though you're just not doing your best.

Very well said, especially point 2. It’s very easy for parents to forget the perspective of the less troubled sibling (s).

1. Older son is grounded. No tech. No keys. No going anywhere. No paying, cooking, cleaning, no lifting a finger for him. He needs a lecture by both parents about how he CANNOT hit his parents, no matter the provocation.

2. Separately, you need to understand how you've created this situation by constantly expecting him to take the younger sibling's abuse. Cornered people will lash out, OP. Consider it your wake-up call before he spends his adult life hating you and needing therapy because you did not protect him from the monster sibling.

3. Separately, you need to do better with your younger child. I suppose you have updated his neuropsychological evaluation, and the psychiatrist is on top of medication? I haven't read beyond the first post, but his medical/behavioral needs really must not be allowed to spill over like this. I know that with severe mental health disorders it can be very difficult to deal with, and expensive in-patient programs might be necessary, but since you didn't actually come out with the name of a severe disorder in the OP, it looks as though you're just not doing your best.

OP, what is it you wanted besides an apology? I think it was mature of your son to come to you to apologize and then walk away when it was clear you weren’t ready to receive it. What else was he supposed to do?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your older kid made a shockingly poor decision in his attempt to get you to understand the situation from his perspective.

I'm not trying to excuse this but rather just understand it. That action comes from a different place than a purely violent impulse towards a parent.

+1

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. You all need professional help. I've known teen brothers to have the rare physical fight but clearly this is much deeper than that. Please know you and Dh didn't case your younger son's mental health challenges and slapping your older kid in the moment would accomplish nothing. PP is right that he's probably been holding in a wide range of emotions and trauma for years. That doesn't make his actions OK, but I get it.

People who have only dealt with NT people will NOT understand, so don't let the hurtful words here bother you.

Anonymous wrote:How did you not immediately slap his face back? I'm sorry he slapped you, that would have been my reaction. Everything and I mean everything would be gone and that would just be the start.

my kid is only 9 so I’m not in the teen years yet. BUT I can guarantee if she slaps me she is getting a slap back and loss of everything that brings her joy.