Anonymous
09/04/2021 15:23
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
i borrowed a car and left town for a night or two. i have never done that before.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 15:19
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."
I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.
He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.
5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.
This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?
Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.
Way to bury the lede, OP. The issue isn't your husband going out for drinks with friends, but you already knew that.
Did you confront him today? I'm sorry you have to deal with this. BTDT (am divorced now).
Anonymous
09/04/2021 15:19
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."
I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.
He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.
5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.
This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?
Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.
The affair is the issue, not the going out.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 15:17
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."
I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.
He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.
5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.
This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?
Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.
I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.
He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.
5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.
This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?
Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:49
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.
He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.
Omg this is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a while.
What is depressing about it?
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:40
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
What’s your situation, OP?
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:40
Subject: Re:Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Idk, 1-2x/month? He’s usually home by midnight. I think it’s great.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:39
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.
He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.
Omg this is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a while.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:37
Subject: Re:Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Mine goes to work happy hour around once or twice a month, which is usually 1-2 drinks and then home by dinner. In terms of going 'out' to a bar, he and his college friends who are nearby will to watch sports games at a bar a few times per year. They like this place that is a total dive, and stay for the game plus a round or two.
The timing depends on when the game starts and what sport... if it's hockey it can go a bit late, but I don't recall him ever being home later than 11pm. I have no issues with him going and I think the frequency is reasonable. I don't drink so I don't do the same, but I do girls' trips a few times per year and my DH is very accommodating and supportive. We both check in and arrange childcare if the other person needs a hand.
The timing depends on when the game starts and what sport... if it's hockey it can go a bit late, but I don't recall him ever being home later than 11pm. I have no issues with him going and I think the frequency is reasonable. I don't drink so I don't do the same, but I do girls' trips a few times per year and my DH is very accommodating and supportive. We both check in and arrange childcare if the other person needs a hand.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 14:17
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.
He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.
Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?
South Carolina. Not very big.
Anonymous
09/04/2021 13:26
Subject: Re:Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Very rarely, literally a few times a year when, say, an old friend is in town or someone invites him.
We see our common friends (different groups) about once a month (more often in the summer), and then there is all the kids playdates/sporting events socializing.
I have lunch with different groups or individual friends about once a month, bar outings with my female friends once in a blue moon, girls trips once in a few years...
We have small kids though.
I would not mind my husband hanging out more with his male friends (not bars and drinking, but, perhaps, fishing or bowling or hiking...)
We see our common friends (different groups) about once a month (more often in the summer), and then there is all the kids playdates/sporting events socializing.
I have lunch with different groups or individual friends about once a month, bar outings with my female friends once in a blue moon, girls trips once in a few years...
We have small kids though.
I would not mind my husband hanging out more with his male friends (not bars and drinking, but, perhaps, fishing or bowling or hiking...)
Anonymous
09/04/2021 12:50
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.
He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.
Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?
Anonymous
09/04/2021 12:00
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
With beer once a month
Anonymous
09/04/2021 11:59
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
My friends are all dad, we do a fire pit with beer inn right a month or so, but he take the kids those nights and set them up with pizza and a movie
Anonymous
09/04/2021 11:57
Subject: Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?
Anonymous wrote:Yea, maybe a couple times a month. Pretty basic rules, don't stay out too late, no gross bars like Hooters, you still gotta help with the kids in the morning, don't get drunk.
I'd like to go out with my female friends just as often, but unfortunately most don't want to or their H's throw a fit. Women get a shit deal, ha.
H and I also like to go out when we can. I think we have more fun at bars with each other than with friends.
With our friend groups, it's way more likely for the wives to go out somewhere than the husbands. When the husbands hang out, it's usually at someone's house.