Anonymous wrote:Ugh rooming with these kids in college is a nightmare, and shortly after college.

As well as going to their houses into adulthood, I had a friend who wouldn’t clean anything! Her husband was in charge of all the cleaning and that’s when we were heading over, ofc. They never cleaned the bathroom/kitchen. Only the living room.

From my limited experience, kids who were made to keep their rooms clean often rebelled in college. Those who understand the difference between private space and shared space were more conscientious.

My parents had this same arrangement with my sister. It got to a point when I’d walk into her room she didn’t even have a sheet on her bed and her closet was the floor.

When she did have to clean her room she stuck everything in the closet which led to the door breaking.

Ugh rooming with these kids in college is a nightmare, and shortly after college.

As well as going to their houses into adulthood, I had a friend who wouldn’t clean anything! Her husband was in charge of all the cleaning and that’s when we were heading over, ofc. They never cleaned the bathroom/kitchen. Only the living room.

I’m not crazed about the condition of their bedrooms but I expect them to keep it reasonably neat just as I want them to keep other parts of the house neat. I’m raising children and not barnyard animals.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were extremely controlling about cleaning (and everything else in life), including cleaning for my bedroom. Until I moved out, my room was always completely clean and my bed was always made. And then I went to college and became a slob and never recovered. My half of the master bedroom is usually a mess, despite my periodic efforts to keep things under control. My 7 year old DS is probably a slob at heart too, but we give him the choice of being a slob like mom or cleaner like my spouse. So far, he’s chosen to be like my spouse and chastises me for throwing my clean clothes on the floor in a pile. All of that to say that you can’t predict anything by what a parent requires of their child when it comes to cleaning!

Possibly your adult choices were a rebellion against your parents' controllingness? Kind of like kids who go crazy with junk food if their parents never allowed it -- just because they can?

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just lazy. The ones who allow giant messes constantly also allow unlimited screen time and don’t enforce a reasonable bed time. All disguised by giving the child choice!

But what does this have to do with this thread?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a no food rule. But I don't care if beds are made, clothes, toys etc are put away. I just view it as their space and if they don't want to have everything put away and picked up that's okay.

Are you the same person who always wonders why other moms never invited your children over for a playdate, and they never sent their children to your house for a playdate either? Parents don't want their children to acquire a lackadaisical, "whatever" approach when it comes to self discipline. Your children are halfway on the road to becoming slobs.

No. My kids frequently have friends over and alreb invited places.

Anonymous wrote:I have a no food rule. But I don't care if beds are made, clothes, toys etc are put away. I just view it as their space and if they don't want to have everything put away and picked up that's okay.

Are you the same person who always wonders why other moms never invited your children over for a playdate, and they never sent their children to your house for a playdate either? Parents don't want their children to acquire a lackadaisical, "whatever" approach when it comes to self discipline. Your children are halfway on the road to becoming slobs.

I guess it depends on how your house is laid out. Our kids don't have toys in their rooms. They have books and coloring/craft supplies at their desks but legos, dolls, games, etc. are all in the large play room. Sometimes they will bring things to their rooms for a while, but for the most part, toys don't live in their rooms. While they do have desks and did do virtual school in their bedrooms, we otherwise use them for quiet retreats and sleeping. Each kid has their own room so it is their space - they can go there and not allow anyone in if they want some alone time. Because of that, we treat bedrooms as calm, quiet, clean places. I don't make them make their beds if they don't want to, but everything gets put away once a week when the cleaners come. Laundry has to live in the hamper or it won't get done, but they've been good about that since they were little. But that's just how we chose to have our house - I get that many people's kids have toys in their rooms, we just don't.

No you’re not a bad parent for this. Bad parenting is yelling at your kids often, spanking, emotional neglect, using your kids to boost your social status, making your kids be the adult, failing to validate emotions, kicking them out if they say they’re trans, etc.

Personally, I've dealt with too many kids who sweat a lot, so I prefer to teach them to flip the covers back and let the bed dry/air during the day. Make the bed at bedtime for the way they want it to be while going to sleep. It may not work for others, but it keeps laundry to once per week without atrocious smells.

We vacuum each room in rotation, one per day, and they're expected to have their floor clear on that day... for some children, everything from the floor migrates to the bed then immediately back to the floor.

Finally, I teach children to deal with their own clothes. When they're young, I go by how full the hamper is, but if their clothes are on the floor, I don't *see* that they need clothes washed, which means that they don't get to help load and move the laundry (highly favored task). By the time they're in kindergarten, they know what needs to be done to prep the laundry, and by second or third grade, they're capable of doing their own load.

Anonymous wrote:It drives me BATTY to see a messy bedroom. BATTY.

Plus 1

Two things from my perspective with now older teens.

One, I remember the advice from an educator about picking your core three hills on which to die when it comes to limits. For us, tell us where you are/are going; keep on top of your own schoolwork (developing executive functioning) so you get more latitude, don't lie to us.

Two, as long as they know how to clean common spaces and contribute to the shared responsibilities, we didn't sweat their rooms.

Some parents are just lazy. The ones who allow giant messes constantly also allow unlimited screen time and don’t enforce a reasonable bed time. All disguised by giving the child choice!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me BATTY to see a messy bedroom. BATTY.

See to me this is a you issue.

I agree to a large extent. I do wish DC would keep their room clean, but the almost physical agony I feel about the stuff all over the floor amd the unmade bed is my own issue. I try to reign it in but it’s hard! I also don’t want DC to grow up to be a slob.