Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:40
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:
I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).
My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.
DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.
It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.
I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.
But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.
But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.
This has been a standard male complaint since the dawn of time. OP has figured out a new spin, though - it's OK for her do be cranky because her husband is missing some sort of "primal" need to take care of his family. In effect, she's questioning his manhood.
Two things can be true:
- It is entirely reasonable to want both partners to make significant/roughly equal financial contributions to a relationship. It's even understandable, if not quite as reasonable, to want the lower-earning partner to increase teir contribution, rather than have the higher-earning one downshift, so the standard of living for the entire family doesn't suffer (although "I want to pay for kids' weddings is pretty superficial).
- OP has managed to take a reasonable point and articulate it in the crappiest way possible. That's not easy to do, and speaks volumes about her character.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:40
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:
I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).
My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.
DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.
It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.
I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.
But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.
But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.
OP, did you discuss this with your OP before marrying, or at least before having children?
Or was this your unspoken expectation, with DH having his own (also unspoken) expectations?
My DH is a public school teacher and like your DH, has no upward career trajectory. I knew this and understood when I married him what this would entail for our family, financially speaking.
On the plus side, his benefits are excellent and include cadillac health insurance and a pension.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:39
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.
Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.
My husband is a government worker not a programmer.
So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.
That decision would make your goals - saving for retirement, down payment/wedding/private school for the kids, that much harder for you.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:38
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.
Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.
My husband is a government worker not a programmer.
So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.
You're a moron for marrying him then. What a selfish POS you are for what you're about to do to your kids lives because "wahhhh I chose a high stress career and dh didn't". Disgusting.
I already very clearly stated I made a huge mistake marrying him. That’s on me.
I am still in my 30’s. I really don’t not see how I can make it through another 50+ years with someone with whom I do not share fundamental values without massive, toxic resentment.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:37
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
OP, your values seem really misplaced. I bet your kids would like happy parents who live together VS a divorced family with an unhappy mom (because you'll still be working this stressful job but you'll also be parenting alone). You need therapy, not to mess up your kids because of your issues.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:36
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.
Reverse the genders in this. Still true?
I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…
I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.
It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.
I think biology plays a role in why men aren’t just as good at home actually. Men aren’t as good at caretaking and putting others first. When the oxygen masks drop they remind us to put our own on first before helping others because *women* will help kids first. Whereas dads wander into the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich and not give a thought to feeding the kids.
While I agree that many men behave this way, I don't agree that this is biology, or at least not 100% biology. Men are socialized to put themselves first, in part because others put those men first.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:35
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:
I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).
My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.
DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.
It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.
I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.
But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.
But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.
OP, I'm sorry. It's not fair that your husband expects you to stay in a high stress career so that he can coast without any stress. It seems to me that this is more about him being ok watching you suffer as long as he gets to keep avoiding responsibility. You never get to coast because he won't step up and earn enough to support the family. Of course you resent that.
The best marriages I've seen have the man supporting the family with a SAHM. Not necessarily even a really high earner, but a more traditional division of roles. Women generally do more domestic and childcare duties whether they work or not so it's not fair if they also have to work the same types of jobs let alone higher stress and longer hours.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:35
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.
Reverse the genders in this. Still true?
I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…
I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.
It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.
OP's DH is not a SAH dad. He works. OP's issue is that his job is lower-stress than hers is.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:35
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.
Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.
My husband is a government worker not a programmer.
So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.
You think high earning alpha males don’t have drawbacks, op? How would you feel about a workaholic dh who is never home or has work affairs or is selfishly driven? Grass is not always greener. One partner is rarely completely right or 100 % compatible, marriage will always be about compromising.
You sound like the one who is a little extreme here. That’s fine but just because you’ve discovered that about yourself doesn’t mean everyone has to change to suit you. That’s just immaturity.
Building wealth and security is much more about spending than earning, by the way.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:34
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
This really sounds like your issue with money and has nothing to do with your husband. Yes, it would be nice if he made big law money just like it would be nice if your fairy godmother gave you jewels and stock options. But it’s not going to happen, and it sounds like you knew that going in. It also sounds like a lot of the extra money you want is for nice to have extras, not must haves. Are your kids really going to want you stressed out with an unhappy marriage so they can be a bridezilla someday? Or would they rather have a mom who doesn’t resent their dad?
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:33
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Did someone force you into this career OP? I'm confused why you would choose a high stress job if you hate it so much.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:32
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
I hope your husband gets custody. You're a terrible role model for your children.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:32
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who makes more than my DH and who is still overall very happy and satisfied with my marriage.
DH completely picks up the childcare and household slack and does thoughtful things to support me when I'm under work stress. He also knows there is a high likelihood of me retiring before him and letting him carry the household with insurance once we've built our nest egg.
+1
I make 3X what my DH does and he picks up household slack in lots of different ways. Our kids (who are young adults now) grew up in a family where they always had a parent very present, and have a healthy model of work allocation in a marriage and family.
Having said that, I did struggle for sure during the early years when the kids were young, in the same way that OP does.
OP, reflect on your job and the roles in your family and if you are dissatisfied and/or unhappy, then make some changes in your own life. These changes may entail talking to your DH about him stepping up in a proactive way to make your life and the lives of your kids easier.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:31
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.
Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.
My husband is a government worker not a programmer.
So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.
You're a moron for marrying him then. What a selfish POS you are for what you're about to do to your kids lives because "wahhhh I chose a high stress career and dh didn't". Disgusting.
Anonymous
09/01/2021 08:25
Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.
Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.
My husband is a government worker not a programmer.
So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.