Anonymous
08/31/2021 12:40
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I love love love being a Single Mom by Choice. Every time i read this board.
What if you die tomorrow? Who is going to take care of your kid?
Everyone, single parent or sister wife, should have a will that lists more than one guardian in case the parents die.
When my kids were little, having a husband contributing any labor at all was helpful. Not a good as having an actual partner whose contribution wouldn't count as "help," just as being a parent.
But now that our kids are older, the spouse is a net loss in terms of labor. He does some jobs, but I have others plus the entire mental load. So while I'm not divorcing him -- I still like the guy -- I am paying a price for his company: doing more than a fair share of the work.
Anonymous
08/31/2021 12:14
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At the Montessori school where my DS goes, they taught them to put stand next to the grownup whose attention they want and put their hand on their shoulder, instead of interrupting.
I don't know if this would work here or not but it might be worth teaching your DD to try that with your DH.
I do agree, though, that you don't have a great dynamic on your hands with DH.
You're nagging, he's defensive etc. Not saying it's your fault -- just that the general dynamic seems kind of crappy. Counseling maybe?
That hand idea is a good one, I will try teaching that.
I don't nag -- most of the time I say nothing and just deal with whatever. I don't even have a chance to nag. If I say anything, ever, about this, he gets super defensive and annoyed.
Look this is going to be controversial but—so what. Start a fight. Get mad. Tell him he’s being a sucky dad and husband. And DONT HELP THE KID. Say, “H would you set your freaking phone down? Larlo asked with help in the bathroom 3 times. Get up and help him NOW.”
I’ve been married 10 years, 3 kids, oldest is 9. If I hadn’t started picking fights and been willing to get mad it never would have gotten better. But instead I’m still married and still working (didn’t quit to pick up his slack like many moms do and like I consider). Yeah he got mad and defensive and it blew up but when he cooled down he had no real defense because I was right.
I agree with this. I sometimes nicely and passively asked my husband to do things but it wasn't until I explained to him exactly how upset I was that he realized what he was doing.
This can also backfire. I have tried picking a fight to demonstrate what an ongoing problem it was (we’ve discussed it calmly so…many…times) and DH got so upset and defensive that he literally moved out and said he wanted a divorce.
This isn’t worth losing my marriage over (at least to me) so I backed off and just bite my tongue now. I hate that part, but I can’t go through another stage of my children crying all night long because daddy left them. It sucked.
Anonymous
08/31/2021 09:26
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:I love love love being a Single Mom by Choice. Every time i read this board.
What if you die tomorrow? Who is going to take care of your kid?
Anonymous
08/28/2021 19:27
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
I love love love being a Single Mom by Choice. Every time i read this board.
Anonymous
08/27/2021 17:30
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
My husband is exactly like this and he is on the autism spectrum. High functioning, but this.
Anonymous
08/25/2021 18:56
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At the Montessori school where my DS goes, they taught them to put stand next to the grownup whose attention they want and put their hand on their shoulder, instead of interrupting.
I don't know if this would work here or not but it might be worth teaching your DD to try that with your DH.
I do agree, though, that you don't have a great dynamic on your hands with DH.
You're nagging, he's defensive etc. Not saying it's your fault -- just that the general dynamic seems kind of crappy. Counseling maybe?
That hand idea is a good one, I will try teaching that.
I don't nag -- most of the time I say nothing and just deal with whatever. I don't even have a chance to nag. If I say anything, ever, about this, he gets super defensive and annoyed.
Look this is going to be controversial but—so what. Start a fight. Get mad. Tell him he’s being a sucky dad and husband. And DONT HELP THE KID. Say, “H would you set your freaking phone down? Larlo asked with help in the bathroom 3 times. Get up and help him NOW.”
I’ve been married 10 years, 3 kids, oldest is 9. If I hadn’t started picking fights and been willing to get mad it never would have gotten better. But instead I’m still married and still working (didn’t quit to pick up his slack like many moms do and like I consider). Yeah he got mad and defensive and it blew up but when he cooled down he had no real defense because I was right.
I agree with this. I sometimes nicely and passively asked my husband to do things but it wasn't until I explained to him exactly how upset I was that he realized what he was doing.
Anonymous
08/25/2021 13:29
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
My advice is to live like your husband doesn't exist. At first I was going to recommend that you discuss it with him, but seeing as you have done so and he was an ass about it, I say just wrap your head around the fact that you are the one who will be responding to your (lovely sounding) child's requests. If you can acknowledge and make peace with that, it probably won't bother you that he isn't doing it. So, rather than sitting and fuming while your kid has to pee, just get up and be the one to do it without argument. It will help cement your bond with your child and frankly, at some point, it sounds like they won't want to have much to do with your husband (if he's still your husband at that point). Personally I could not be married to someone who treated me and my children like that, but I understand that life is complex and saying "get a divorce!" isn't necessarily the right answer, although I would seriously consider it.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 17:13
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Okay, so I asked "Does your DH have ADHD?" before I read the whole thread and saw it discussed. 
Attention disregulation is the cornerstone criteria of ADHD and that's what jumped out at me from your description. As someone who is more ADHD (but not severely so), I can say that it is possible to compensate but it takes knowledge of tricks and a willingness to use them. It can take a LOT of effort to compensate and stay on top of things at work so things can fall apart at home after being drained by all that effort at work.
You mentioned your DH can drop what he's doing when a timer goes off for the microwave or the laundry. That could simply be that he's conditioned to switch his attention at those specific cues. If he's willing to use a timer for those "just a minute" scenarios, that might be a good strategy, however he would have to be willing to actually USE the timer.
Conversely, I've also observed that men usually aren't enculturated to feel responsible for childcare and if you're not responsible for it, then it doesn't become important enough to drop more pleasurable things for it. If this is the case, then trying harder to be more attentive is the solution. As a parent of kids with ADHD and having mild ADHD myself, I can say that you can't "try harder" your way out of ADHD. You have to find a combination of try harder and tools -- whether that's medication or strategies or both.
Attention disregulation is the cornerstone criteria of ADHD and that's what jumped out at me from your description. As someone who is more ADHD (but not severely so), I can say that it is possible to compensate but it takes knowledge of tricks and a willingness to use them. It can take a LOT of effort to compensate and stay on top of things at work so things can fall apart at home after being drained by all that effort at work.
You mentioned your DH can drop what he's doing when a timer goes off for the microwave or the laundry. That could simply be that he's conditioned to switch his attention at those specific cues. If he's willing to use a timer for those "just a minute" scenarios, that might be a good strategy, however he would have to be willing to actually USE the timer.
Conversely, I've also observed that men usually aren't enculturated to feel responsible for childcare and if you're not responsible for it, then it doesn't become important enough to drop more pleasurable things for it. If this is the case, then trying harder to be more attentive is the solution. As a parent of kids with ADHD and having mild ADHD myself, I can say that you can't "try harder" your way out of ADHD. You have to find a combination of try harder and tools -- whether that's medication or strategies or both.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 17:11
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. He finally was diagnosed with adhd. "Time blindness" is a term used - not having a clear idea of how much time has passed. Also, not hearing others speaking to you because you are so absorbed - that's a common sign. So look into that and see if it might fit and save you from resentment
How so? He accepts his diagnose, takes meds, and they work? He is now attentive and a better person?
Yes. I wrote a follow up post that has more detail, on the previous page. He's not perfect but he's better. And I feel better too -- it's made me less angry and more understanding, that he's not just a jerk but his brain actually operates differently.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 16:37
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
My husband only does this occasionally, but usually my strategy is to cheerily (or not) holler, "[Dh name]! Larlo is speaking to you!" at a volume that cannot be ignored.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 16:27
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:I’m not suggesting he needs to jump up instantly when DC needs something. But he is the king of either magically not hearing the requests for help (like he can go 10 minutes just not even responding and when I finally get sick of it and say “here, I can get that down for you” he’s surprised). Or he’ll say, “just a minute” and the minute is literally endless. I have watched him “just a minute” for an hour. And our DC just progressively melts down in this time.
It sucks because it makes me feel like I always have to be the one to help, and of course that means our kid comes to me first for everything. I try to only do this when it’s really important (DH will even try to delay bathroom requests, which drives me up a wall, and then he’ll get annoyed with an accident and I’m like “you should be annoyed with yourself!”). But also: our kid rarely whines and is good at saying please and is generally polite. I can’t stand watching DH just ignore or postpone totally reasonable, polite requests because I want to reward that behavior.
Also, usually these delays are because he is in his computer, iPad, or phone. Sometimes he’s reading or working, but most often he’s scrolling Twitter or playing a game. This drives me nuts, especially the games. The games are especially annoying to me.
If I express frustration with this, he tells me he just has a different parenting style or he gets annoyed and says “I don’t work for you.” I’m sick of it. I think he’s just being lazy and relying on me to pick up his slack, and I also worry about the impact this will have long term on our kid, both on the relationship with DH and in the behaviors DH is modeling.
Advice?
Does your DH have ADHD?
Anonymous
08/23/2021 16:25
Subject: DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
We have a cube timer that our kids can use to time things for themselves. They use it for when they have to wait for something or take a turn. I would get several to keep in common areas, work with DC that when they need something they come touch the person they are talking to, and if they hear “one minute” “5 minutes” etc. they turn on a timer. See if that help DH to realize that time has actually passed and he needs to move into parent mode.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 16:23
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Would he be willing to take a PEP parenting class? It's not just the extra burden on you, but I assume DC is noticing that DH is ignoring him and doesn't feel great about it.
Also- I have to say that if my DH said "I don't work for you" I would lose it- that is a really rude thing to say.
I did lose it, which is why I'm posting here now. I feel like he is acting like an insolent child and if I say things to him like "we're supposed to be partners in this and I feel like I'm on my own a lot" he just throws a fit and tells me how much it hurts his feelings for me to say that. When I challenge him not his stuff he immediately goes to "why are you always upset with me, oh I can't do anything right, etc." Like the way a teenager behaves when he gets in trouble for breaking curfew.
I do not want to be his mother AT ALL but I also don't understand how you get a full grown adult who made the active choice to become a parent to actually be a parent. It's frustrating to me that this is even my job, but I also feel like my kid and I both suffer because of this dynamic. I get tired and stressed because I never get a break, and my kid must notice that DH is so checked out.
I've suggested we take a parenting class together before and he kind of rolls his eyes at it, I think he knows I'm only offering to do it with him because I just really think he should do it. We've talked about doing marriage counseling but I have had a really hard time finding a counselor recently -- everyone I've reached out to is not taking new patients right now.
He needs therapy to grow up. And if its ADHD or aspergers he needs to manage the negative symptoms.
Anonymous
08/23/2021 16:19
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. He finally was diagnosed with adhd. "Time blindness" is a term used - not having a clear idea of how much time has passed. Also, not hearing others speaking to you because you are so absorbed - that's a common sign. So look into that and see if it might fit and save you from resentment
How so? He accepts his diagnose, takes meds, and they work? He is now attentive and a better person?
Anonymous
08/23/2021 13:14
Subject: Re:DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
OP, have you ever left him with your child, so that he is totally responsible, like overnight? I'd consider doing this.