Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 16:52     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.


The core issue with him is that he is great as long as he is getting his way. He doesn’t take “no” well and can get very nasty when we disagree.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 15:17     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?


I get that vibe too.


OP I do a bit, although I know it isn’t “real” and is probably just me looking for a way out of this dilemma. I try to look on it with detachment and think “what can I learn from this.”


Op, please find a new therapist!
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 15:10     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is better to be a single mother by choice than it is to marry the wrong person.


I hear you but I really don’t want to be a single mother either. I want a traditional family and would not have a child on my own.


I have a friend who felt the same. Now her baby is a year old, her relationship is CRUMBLING and she doesn't trust the baby's father to take good care of him if they split custody.

Having a baby on your own is WAY better than dealing with a shitty father afterwards.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 15:04     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?


I get that vibe too.


OP I do a bit, although I know it isn’t “real” and is probably just me looking for a way out of this dilemma. I try to look on it with detachment and think “what can I learn from this.”
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 15:03     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.


This is spot on. OP, if you were 25, your therapist would not tell you to marry this guy. You need to step back and take a good look at what is in front of you - not what you hope for, but what is actually in front of you.

I would find a new (individual) therapist, myself.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 15:00     Subject: Confused about getting married
You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:58     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:If a guy communicates with you in a harsh manner drop him at once. There is nothing worse for an insecure person. It will be soul crushing. I say this as someone who is a harsh communicator and working very hard on changing. My relationship works because my partner is extremely secure. Having kids is a lovely but frustrating experience. He will be tested often. He is already showing incompatibility on less difficult communication tests.


+1

It gets worse over time.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:56     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:OP, the question isn't whether this person is the one for you. The question is how and why you sabotage yourself to avoid getting too close to anyone. I don't know if this guy is right for you but you're finding reasons to quit on him. Or maybe he's not right for you and you should run. I don't know enough to know.

But I know what it's like to spend years yearning after unavailable people because the available ones might want to be close to me and I couldn't bear that. I only learned to do with it through group therapy. Look within. Good luck with this. Hope you figure it out to your satisfaction!


Thanks this is the question I am asking myself (and therapist) but can’t seem to answer it in this instance. I want to feel certain when I get married that this is the person I want to spend eternity with no matter what comes. But the way things are going I may not feel that way about anyone in time.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:53     Subject: Re:Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would rather have the struggles of being a single parent then be stuck co-parenting with an a****** for the next 18 years.....


OP this is just not an option for me. I lack the finances, organizational ability, or emotional resources and support to have a baby on my own. It’s marriage or childlessness for me.


OP - so you are planning on being 100% reliant on the marriage in order to have kids? SAHM? Is your fiancee really bringing emotional support to the table? ready to be the breadwinner? Do you have the ability, desire, emotional wherewithal to be a parent, SAHM/W? It is hard to understand this when you are not in the midst of it - but being married and being a parent means EVERY DAY. This is not just one decision - it means that this is the person you have to DEAL with every day. And then with a kid (or more) - you have to tend to them and manage parenting ON TOP of communicating with your DH / co-parent. Please do not underestimate the stress of this especially is you are feeling stresses right now.



OP I don’t really get this comment. Wanting to be married to raise children does not = 100% reliant on spouse for every need. I work and would keep working and would bring about 30% of HHI to the table, and yes he earns about to support the family alone. But he also doesn’t want a SAHW/M anyway.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:52     Subject: Confused about getting married
OP, the question isn't whether this person is the one for you. The question is how and why you sabotage yourself to avoid getting too close to anyone. I don't know if this guy is right for you but you're finding reasons to quit on him. Or maybe he's not right for you and you should run. I don't know enough to know.

But I know what it's like to spend years yearning after unavailable people because the available ones might want to be close to me and I couldn't bear that. I only learned to do with it through group therapy. Look within. Good luck with this. Hope you figure it out to your satisfaction!
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:48     Subject: Confused about getting married
OP can you provide more specifics about the communication conflicts between you and your fiancé?
An example of something you thought was harsh?
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:41     Subject: Re:Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would rather have the struggles of being a single parent then be stuck co-parenting with an a****** for the next 18 years.....


OP this is just not an option for me. I lack the finances, organizational ability, or emotional resources and support to have a baby on my own. It’s marriage or childlessness for me.


OP - so you are planning on being 100% reliant on the marriage in order to have kids? SAHM? Is your fiancee really bringing emotional support to the table? ready to be the breadwinner? Do you have the ability, desire, emotional wherewithal to be a parent, SAHM/W? It is hard to understand this when you are not in the midst of it - but being married and being a parent means EVERY DAY. This is not just one decision - it means that this is the person you have to DEAL with every day. And then with a kid (or more) - you have to tend to them and manage parenting ON TOP of communicating with your DH / co-parent. Please do not underestimate the stress of this especially is you are feeling stresses right now.

Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:41     Subject: Re:Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:Op, I’d read and consider this:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/306651/

And maybe get a new therapist. You seem a little enmeshed with yours.


Thanks, I am aware of this article and actually it has influenced me already in terms of not painting an overly rosy picture of single motherhood, which as I said, I would not undertake.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:36     Subject: Re:Confused about getting married
Op, I’d read and consider this:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/306651/

And maybe get a new therapist. You seem a little enmeshed with yours.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2021 14:32     Subject: Confused about getting married
Anonymous wrote:When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?


I get that vibe too.