Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I disagree about whether checking teen’s phone is reasonable parenting, so I would love to hear from others on this issue….

100%. Not every day but I do check it. As well as look at what friends are posting. And I make no apologies for it.

A) I pay for the phone.
B) she's a teenager. By virtue of biology, they are impulsive and judgment is often questionable. (Though thus far my kid hasn't done anything I'd consider bad.)
C) I use her "friends" posts as teaching moments as to what not to do (and there are many reasons why - from problematic to just plain old "the kid looks like an idiot" reasons). I also like to see what they post so I know who my child is dealing with. Knowledge is power.

I foresee this curtailing a lot over the next four years. For now, she's a young teen so that is the way it is.

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Weird analogy... I didn't have secret conversations on the phone, didn't keep a diary with secret juicy things and and never thought she did anything inappropriate regarding checking up on me. My dear mom is my mom, not my friend.

I did cursory checks when my DS (now 15) first got his phone at 13 and at the time I was shocked by the misogynistic humor in his IG feed. I talked to him about it at the time and I think he has gotten better about monitoring his media diet. I also checked his texts for a while and found that all the talk was about sports so I got bored and stopped.

My DS who is now 13 is a different story. She has so many online friends and social media accounts that I have a hard time keeping up, and she feels very strongly about her privacy. Still, I look over her shoulder when I am walking by to see what’s watching, I will ask who she’s texting and how she knows them, and there are consequences when I feel she is not being smart, for example I made her get rid of Tiktok when she was spending too much time on it. She knows I have all her passwords and she knows I reserve the right to check any of her online material so I hope she is walking the line.

TLDR I think it’s totally within a parent’s right, and even their obligation, to monitor teen’s online interactions and restrict screen time. Parents who are too lazy to roll up their sleeves can blame themselves when their kids develop anxiety and depression, or start dating random boys they met on Snapchat.

Who is responsible if the kid bullies or sexts? The parent or the kid? Is it like gun laws where if the parent doesn’t have the gun locked down and the kid shoots someone, the parent is culpable?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, his conversations are private. The only social media he has is Twitter, he doesn’t have Snapchat, Instagram or tiktok.

Do you pay for that phone?

Under my roof, I pay the phone is mine same with a computer.

It sounds like you have an authoritarian parenting style. That usually causes problems down the road. Do you have reasons why you can’t reasonably trust your teen?

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Wrong, today kids can reach people across the world on their phones. Whole different ball game.

MS, yes, and glad we did. Came across info about another child (cutting), and alerted the school counselor. Also a situation with an older student and a proposition that lead to interesting discussions I never dreamed I'd have woth my child, plus some great stuff on trust.

HS, not a chance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 yo only talks to friends on snap, so I can’t see anything he says even if I wanted to.

Parent of the Year.

Your 15 yo doesn’t use Snapchat? That’s surprising - it seems that most 15yos I know use it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Agree 100%

Our phones were in public place in the house (parents room, living room, kitchen), so there wasn’t really privacy the way you’re making it sound. Kids have a reasonable amount of privacy but know that their phones may be monitored.

My parents were pretty strict about nearly everything, but even they gave me privacy to talk to my friends. I never felt like they were monitoring me beyond how long I was on the phone.

Same for me. And we always brought the phone into a private space so no one could eavesdrop! Those cords were long.

Anonymous wrote:No, his conversations are private. The only social media he has is Twitter, he doesn’t have Snapchat, Instagram or tiktok.

Do you pay for that phone?

Under my roof, I pay the phone is mine same with a computer.

Instagram yes
Texts? No
13 yo DD