Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 16:16     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, if you guys have the money who are you to decide what “we” don’t need. What exactly do you want to do with that money knowing that nobody has a lock on tomorrow? I’m not saying be wasteful, but you do also want to live and enjoy yourselves.

I’ve never met a person yet who describes themselves as “frugal” who doesn’t have some kind of mental health issue, usually anxiety. I’m not saying this to be unkind, it’s just what I’ve observed.

My husband had a lot of anxiety about money due to things that happened as a teen, he knew what was going on yet lacked the ability to do anything about it. It took a long time to sort out because “It’s good to save”.

As for the dropping money on the bros’ dinners, that should probably stop. It’s real easy to attract people who literally only want you for a free meal, people who are charming and always happy to go out because they know they aren’t paying for what they consume. The problem is that when the money stops, the friends stop which wouldn’t be so bad except many of them blame the wife.. “Bill used to be fun until he met Sally” “I’d always go to Bill’s house when I was bored, but now with Sally…” “I’d always ask Bill to give me a ride but since he met that b**ch” It’s not a position yo want to be in.

I’d let him spend whatever he wants on you, himself and the family i.e. the two of you andyour house, and dial back on paying for his pals. Healthy people I’ve noticed don’t want others to pay their way so I’d be careful around those that are fine with it. Men view it as an insult, and women, well he shouldn’t be paying for women unless they are you.


OP here. I’m frugal because I grew up struggling for most of my life. His parents were well off and he never wanted for anything or had to worry about money.
I know that you can have money one day, and it can all be gone the next day. We make good money and have a lot of money in retirement, savings, and emergency funds, but I still like to be cautious with money.

I do spend as well but I keep it under a certain point. I don’t spend ridiculous amounts of money like he does. He easily will spend $5k a month ( on top of our expense for home, grocery, savings, etc.) on literally nothing. I spent maybe $1k max on things but that’s only a couple of times a year. We are going to have kids soon and I’m thinking about their future. I want to be able to be financially stable because kids are not cheap.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:11     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:Set your financial goals together - savings, mortgage, retirement, 529 (future, just put it in a savings account), new car fund, etc. Then each of you gets a fixed amount each month that’s “your” money, to do with what you will. It can be clothes, hobbies, haircuts, whatever. However, the other spouse can’t criticize what it’s spent on, unless it’s hookers and blow.

We have no idea from what you’ve told us whether you’re just too cautious or all his money burns a hole in his pocket.


Why you shaming recreational choices?
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 10:06     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, if you guys have the money who are you to decide what “we” don’t need. What exactly do you want to do with that money knowing that nobody has a lock on tomorrow? I’m not saying be wasteful, but you do also want to live and enjoy yourselves.

I’ve never met a person yet who describes themselves as “frugal” who doesn’t have some kind of mental health issue, usually anxiety. I’m not saying this to be unkind, it’s just what I’ve observed.

My husband had a lot of anxiety about money due to things that happened as a teen, he knew what was going on yet lacked the ability to do anything about it. It took a long time to sort out because “It’s good to save”.

As for the dropping money on the bros’ dinners, that should probably stop. It’s real easy to attract people who literally only want you for a free meal, people who are charming and always happy to go out because they know they aren’t paying for what they consume. The problem is that when the money stops, the friends stop which wouldn’t be so bad except many of them blame the wife.. “Bill used to be fun until he met Sally” “I’d always go to Bill’s house when I was bored, but now with Sally…” “I’d always ask Bill to give me a ride but since he met that b**ch” It’s not a position yo want to be in.

I’d let him spend whatever he wants on you, himself and the family i.e. the two of you andyour house, and dial back on paying for his pals. Healthy people I’ve noticed don’t want others to pay their way so I’d be careful around those that are fine with it. Men view it as an insult, and women, well he shouldn’t be paying for women unless they are you.


My wife is “frugal” and she doesn’t have any mental health issues or anxiety. We have a very high net worth but it’s just in her DNA to get the best deal. With the internet and a phone it’s incredibly easy to comparison shop if you are willing to invest a little bit of time. Earlier this week she saved $800 on our car insurance for the same coverage.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 09:54     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, if you guys have the money who are you to decide what “we” don’t need. What exactly do you want to do with that money knowing that nobody has a lock on tomorrow? I’m not saying be wasteful, but you do also want to live and enjoy yourselves.

[b]I’ve never met a person yet who describes themselves as “frugal” who doesn’t have some kind of mental health issue, usually anxiety. [i] I’m not saying this to be unkind, it’s just what I’ve observed.

My husband had a lot of anxiety about money due to things that happened as a teen, he knew what was going on yet lacked the ability to do anything about it. It took a long time to sort out because “It’s good to save”.

As for the dropping money on the bros’ dinners, that should probably stop. It’s real easy to attract people who literally only want you for a free meal, people who are charming and always happy to go out because they know they aren’t paying for what they consume. The problem is that when the money stops, the friends stop which wouldn’t be so bad except many of them blame the wife.. “Bill used to be fun until he met Sally” “I’d always go to Bill’s house when I was bored, but now with Sally…” “I’d always ask Bill to give me a ride but since he met that b**ch” It’s not a position yo want to be in.

I’d let him spend whatever he wants on you, himself and the family i.e. the two of you andyour house, and dial back on paying for his pals. Healthy people I’ve noticed don’t want others to pay their way so I’d be careful around those that are fine with it. Men view it as an insult, and women, well he shouldn’t be paying for women unless they are you.


HA! that's rich.

I bet you have never heard that compulsive spending is also a mental health disorder. Online shopping addictions and all.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 09:52     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:You want to compare? My wife spends like she just divorced Jeff Bezos.

She has over $3000 PER MONTH of extra spending cash...and she doesn't have ANY OF IT. I pay for the mortgage, bills, etc. She has her own account that she moves $1000 over and in our joint account there is always $2000 extra for whatever.

Oddly, she always needs money to pay off credit cards. Welcome to the pain of a spoiled spouse. Worse mistake I ever made. And we have one kid so I can't leave (don't even trust joint custody).


Make sure what she spends is in a credit card in her name only. Do NOT be on her credit card account.

If she dies, she legally aren't on the hook for that debt.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 09:28     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You want to compare? My wife spends like she just divorced Jeff Bezos.

She has over $3000 PER MONTH of extra spending cash...and she doesn't have ANY OF IT. I pay for the mortgage, bills, etc. She has her own account that she moves $1000 over and in our joint account there is always $2000 extra for whatever.

Oddly, she always needs money to pay off credit cards. Welcome to the pain of a spoiled spouse. Worse mistake I ever made. And we have one kid so I can't leave (don't even trust joint custody).


Dude, you should have married me. I hate to shop and I love making my own money. Your wife sounds like she thinks she on Real Housewives!


I bet she’s hot and that’s all he cared about.

Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 09:24     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
I don’t know, op, if you guys have the money who are you to decide what “we” don’t need. What exactly do you want to do with that money knowing that nobody has a lock on tomorrow? I’m not saying be wasteful, but you do also want to live and enjoy yourselves.

I’ve never met a person yet who describes themselves as “frugal” who doesn’t have some kind of mental health issue, usually anxiety. I’m not saying this to be unkind, it’s just what I’ve observed.

My husband had a lot of anxiety about money due to things that happened as a teen, he knew what was going on yet lacked the ability to do anything about it. It took a long time to sort out because “It’s good to save”.

As for the dropping money on the bros’ dinners, that should probably stop. It’s real easy to attract people who literally only want you for a free meal, people who are charming and always happy to go out because they know they aren’t paying for what they consume. The problem is that when the money stops, the friends stop which wouldn’t be so bad except many of them blame the wife.. “Bill used to be fun until he met Sally” “I’d always go to Bill’s house when I was bored, but now with Sally…” “I’d always ask Bill to give me a ride but since he met that b**ch” It’s not a position yo want to be in.

I’d let him spend whatever he wants on you, himself and the family i.e. the two of you andyour house, and dial back on paying for his pals. Healthy people I’ve noticed don’t want others to pay their way so I’d be careful around those that are fine with it. Men view it as an insult, and women, well he shouldn’t be paying for women unless they are you.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 07:16     Subject: Re:Husband Spends Too Much Money
You have money to hire a financial advisor who will sit down with both of you and give you the spending lecture. The advisor will ask about your life goals (childcare when the kids are young, college when they are older) and how long you expect these high-earning careers to last before you get burned out. How long will you live, and how long will you work? Start spending on financial services....
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 07:05     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We can't offer any advice without actual numbers. If you can afford it, there's no problem.


OP here. We can afford it but he spends so much unnecessary money that we could save it and use it for other thing.

Here are some examples

- He never looks at prices at the grocery store. He will easily spends double what I would spend.

- He constantly is buying new cups, plates, and bar stuff when we rarely drink. He busy super expensive alcohol he never drinks because he collects it.

- He has spent about $75k in the past 6 months for his “ man cave” and workout room.

- He bought a very expensive coffee machine and a ton of expensive coffee.

- He will go out to dinner and drop $500 on dinner.

He says we have more than enough so he doesn’t need a budget. We have good incomes, savings, an emergency fund so he doesn’t feel he needs to save that money.


OP you are right about this!
One thing that might help is to increase 401K contributions on both yours and his (if you can) by a few percent - that way there is less coming in to spend and at least you know some of the extra is being saved and invested!
Don't back down.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 06:51     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Early in our relationship my DH drove me batty with this. He would always just say “it’s fine I will just make more money.” I don’t bother him about it anymore because he was right. He did end up just making more money.


This is how my husband and I think of it. We built up an emergency fund, contribute to retirement and 529’s, pay our mortgage and insurance, and after that, it’s ours to spend on whatever. If something happens in the future that we need more money, then we will just make more money.


The myth of the never-ending paycheck.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 00:17     Subject: Re:Husband Spends Too Much Money
Clearly you are on different pages with spending. But my question is what is the detriment of his spending? You mention saving but for what? Also for so e of your examples, I can’t tell if it’s a one time expense or something ongoing.

Finances l, like everything else in a marriage, are a compromise. Hopefully you will find yours.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 00:12     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We can't offer any advice without actual numbers. If you can afford it, there's no problem.


OP here. We can afford it but he spends so much unnecessary money that we could save it and use it for other thing.

Here are some examples

- He never looks at prices at the grocery store. He will easily spends double what I would spend.

- He constantly is buying new cups, plates, and bar stuff when we rarely drink. He busy super expensive alcohol he never drinks because he collects it.

- He has spent about $75k in the past 6 months for his “ man cave” and workout room.

- He bought a very expensive coffee machine and a ton of expensive coffee.

- He will go out to dinner and drop $500 on dinner.

He says we have more than enough so he doesn’t need a budget. We have good incomes, savings, an emergency fund so he doesn’t feel he needs to save that money.


Seems a bit spendy, but it sounds like you own home? I would nail down the fixed payments in life (mortgage, health insurance, college savings for kids) and if you are paying those every month the rest is kind small beer.

Check out this philosophy: https://www.amazon.com/All-Your-Worth-Ultimate-Lifetime/dp/0743269888

To a large part saving on little things is a fools error; your final wealth largely will depend on appreciation of your home and job growth; saving on take out is noise. I mean, $500 is getting ridiculous though.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2021 23:39     Subject: Re:Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you jealous that he treats his friends to dinners? I think that is a bigger issue. I'm a wife and have no qualms dropping $1500 on Botox and fillers twice a year. DH doesn't know and I love that we keep our finances separate


Most married people don’t keep their finances separate. Hopefully you don’t too much fillers and come out looking like that cat lady.


You cracked me up PP! No, my doctor is great and I love his aesthetic judgement. I have South Asian genetic tear troughs and the Botox is for my East Asian oversized masseter muscles. Nothing wrong with wanting to look nicer, right? Also, nothing wrong with wanting to keep certain indulgences secret.


Good luck with that! I work with a woman who gave a blank check to the 'best in the area' for fillers and such. She currently looks like something Picasso painted, the fillers are sliding all over her previously-beautiful cheekbones. It's such a scam.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2021 19:03     Subject: Husband Spends Too Much Money
Anonymous wrote:Early in our relationship my DH drove me batty with this. He would always just say “it’s fine I will just make more money.” I don’t bother him about it anymore because he was right. He did end up just making more money.


This is how my husband and I think of it. We built up an emergency fund, contribute to retirement and 529’s, pay our mortgage and insurance, and after that, it’s ours to spend on whatever. If something happens in the future that we need more money, then we will just make more money.