Wait until you try to load the boat onto the trailer at the boat ramp. Your fighting will get really real then!

It sounds like you both have a lot of resentment, and dissimilar life goals. I would not be ok with buying a boat without also saving for college for the kids.

Do you think (after the initial divorce pains) that you two could coparent successfully? Peacefully? You both deserve peace, happiness, contentment. Sometimes people change and grow in different directions. I think you should go back to marriage counseling and be totally honest about your feelings. Put it all out there. Let the counseling move you toward a better relationship, or toward an amicable divorce.

I am divorced (ex had a long affair). It sucks, it hurts, it's hard on the kids. But we are clearly better and healthier apart than together.

Op, sorry you're in this situation. It sucks. It sounds to me like your DH is a big manchild. He wants a boat and the ability to enjoy other expensive hobbies, but to afford them, he wants you to work harder and spend less time with the family than you already are. Then he complains you're too exhausted to be "fun." No wonder you feel resentful. That's a completely normal way to feel in your situation.

My suggestion would be to do a consultation with a lawyer, not for the purpose of actually planning to get divorced, but just to understand your options. Here is a game plan...

1) Look for referrals for divorce lawyers anonymously. You can do this through things like facebook groups (doesn't have to be a divorce related page, could even be a mom's group or a town page) by either just searching for old posts where divorce lawyer is mentioned, or posting anonymously through the admin.

2) Once you have a list of names, google them and their firms, and highlight your favorites.

3) Call or email your favorites (but makes sure you have a bunch, like at least five or six) and see what you can discuss over the phone. For some, it will be nothing, they won't talk to you until you pay for a consult. For others, they'll be willing to spend time talking to you to get introduced and give you some background. Hopefully if you call five or six, you'll find one or two willing to talk at greater length and you'll learn something. These conversations will give you ideas of what to ask at a consult so you'll get the most out of it.

4) If any of them offer a free consult, do it, even if you don't really like the lawyer. You have nothing to lose, and you don't have to go with them. If anything, you'll have your initial, straightforward questions answered so you can get into more detail if you decide to do a paid consult with another lawyer. It will also be like getting a free second opinion.

5) Pick the one you like the most to do a paid consult (assuming you still have questions). It will probably be around $500, and last an hour or so. Come prepared with specific questions so that you won't waste time or forget things you wanted to ask. Before you do the consult (like on the phone when you schedule it) ask the more straightforward questions (like what their fee structure is, whether they'll always do your case or hand off to an associate, etc.) so that you don't waste time during the consult asking things that could've been answered off the clock, assuming the consult only entitles you to a certain amount of time.

From the consult, you'll have a much better understanding of some of the points you mention (like can he really pick the most expensive lawyer and expect you to pay for it, will he get more money if you stay in the marriage longer or will it not make a difference, what if you get a higher paying job, how will your savings and retirement be divided, etc.). The lawyer will also probably give you a few tips of things you should be doing now if you think there's a chance you might divorce in the next few years (like making sure you're familiar with any of his bank accounts that are not joint, handling/changing things now that are in his or your name only so you're in a better position down the road, etc.).

6) Then, go back to your life. Doing the consult does not mean divorce is imminent, it just means you learned something and paid $500 for that education. It may allow you to feel stronger saying no to his demands (like the boat) and know that if the shit hits fan, you have options. But maybe you'll stand your ground and he'll accept it, and you wont need to use those options. Information is power, and you'll have a better sense of how things stand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

It's "a lot". Not "alot".

Nitpicky. Even though alot isn't in the dictionarey right now, it will be. Be forward thinking

But OP, you say that you like your husband, but I don't think you like your husband at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean....do you like him? Is he an enjoyable companion? Do you enjoy having conversations with him and doing activities together? Does he make you laugh?

What do you gain from the relationship?

As for money, he will be entitled to half the marital assets that exist at the time of divorce.

I like him and generally enjoy being with him, except any stressor comes and it just erupts. he hates that I don't laugh at his jokes, and instead roll my yes at it. Do I pretend they are funny when they really annoy me? He likes things I find shallow. he is mad that I used to enjoy them with him, but add three kids to the mix, and guess what-- we can't binge watch tv shows all weekend anymore. we can't eat doritos for dinner.

What do I gain? A partner, a tax break, insurance coverage if I were to lose my job, a co-parent. He is the father of my children so i don't want to fight him. I am more scared of what I lose to be honest-- time with my kids. We do not agree on parenting choices at all. We do not agree on where to live. He wants me to get a higher paying job, and I don't, because i want to spend time with the kids. He doesn't want to get a higher paying job because he thinks I have the higher chance of getting a much higher paying job (I have a PhD, he doesn't, plus he is government whereas I take the high risk high pay job with no pension). I think our income is enough if he wasn't spending so much on his hobbies: boats, bikes, legos! He contributes a fixed amount every month which he calculated based on the income disparity. All vacations, eat outs, hospitalizations, home repairs are on me. Even the cost of the divorce is entirely on me and he says he will hire the most expensive lawyer and I will have to pay up. He resents that I don't allow him to invest "our" money according to his choosing. I don't see it as "our" money. If he contributes a fixed amount, then my savings contribution should also be a fixed amount. We work the same hours. My schedule is less flexible but anytime I am free, I do pick up and drop off. Weekends I have to beg him for time off from his hobbies.

You like him and enjoy being with him. This is a good place to start.
You think his jokes aren't funny, and you roll your eyes at them. That's extremely disrespectful. If you are even considering staying together, stop that immediately. You don't have to laugh, but you don't have to be rude, either.
He likes things I find shallow. Like what??? Like boats, bikes, and legos? What do you like? What do you bring that he can share with you?
he is mad that I used to enjoy them with him, So you've changes
but add three kids to the mix, and guess what-- we can't binge watch tv shows all weekend anymore. we can't eat doritos for dinner. So what CAN you do together that he likes?
I think our income is enough if he wasn't spending so much on his hobbies: boats, bikes, legos! You need to go see a financial planner.

Anonymous wrote:Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

It's "a lot". Not "alot".

OP here. To be fair, he also rolls his eyes at me. Worse financially, emotionally. I am so scared.

Op, sounds like there’s a salary disparity, so you will likely be required to pay spousal support. Just know the longer you wait, the longer you’ll need to pay. Anything over 20 years starts to get into indefinite support area.

Anonymous wrote:You just sound nasty, op. I “get” that interests and priorities change after kids. Rolling your eyes at your husband’s humor and finding his interests shallow is just mean.
Can’t you find pleasure in things that make your husband happy if only because something on this planet has given the person you love some joy, joy that isn’t hurting anybody, joy that puts a spring in his step, joy that he can share with you if you are willing?
As for his humor, what’s wrong with it? I am thrilled when my husband laughs at my jokes, everybody wants to know that someone finds them amusing in a healthy way. I’m honestly not sure I could or would stay with someone who rolled their eyes whenever I spoke or tried to bring levity into a situation or who belittled my interests.

Your fantasy talk makes me think you’ve got your eye on someone else.

This isn’t the ten year slump “I’ve had all the kids I’m likely going to have.. I won’t have the anticipation of the things romance novels fill our heads with, my own wedding, my own pregnancy, my own baby, I likely won’t do anything that anybody beyond my family will ever care about”. All that is pretty normal.

You are just mean, op, like you want your husband to cheat so you can keep on being mean.

+1

This is the impression I get of OP, too. Career-centric woman (nothing wrong with that) who probably married due to her bio clock, but only after being left on the shelf by the kinds of men she thinks she deserves. She knew she was compromising, but she thought she'd be in love enough with her new life that it wouldn't matter. I know a few women in my life who have divorced and expressed similar attitudes to OP prior to their divorces. Spoiler alert: They're miserable divorcees, too.

Lots of loveless marriages stay together as platonic room mates "for the kids" and finances etc. Has he started dating yet? Because that is part of how this works.

Anonymous wrote:OP here— He already states he wants 50/50 custody. He is a good father, except for the financial planning part and he feeds them junkfood and lets them watch TV all the time.

The financial cost is splitting my retirement, the housing costs, the health insurance... I know I deserve better and he does too, but what if in aiming for better, we actually end up worse?

OP - deserve “better” in what way(s) and end up “worse” in what way(s)? Is financial net worth your only measure of a successful marriage and/or life?

OP here— He already states he wants 50/50 custody. He is a good father, except for the financial planning part and he feeds them junkfood and lets them watch TV all the time.

The financial cost is splitting my retirement, the housing costs, the health insurance... I know I deserve better and he does too, but what if in aiming for better, we actually end up worse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Understand that your ex is not going to be obligated to do anything in your interest once you say the magic words.

He won't even be compelled to act in his own or even his kids' best interests.

We have said it already. Multiple times. We are planning the logistics. And now that we have the logistics, it is hitting me (i dont know about him— he says he is scared also) hard. Yes, I have romantic fantasies about being married to a guy I can actually save for a future with and Im sure he has fantasies about a nonmean girl who supports his passions.

I thought finances were our biggest issue too. We had aggressively paid off his student loans— all his salary went there. I took care of everything. I thought we would be happy to pay them off, and start saving for college. Instead, it’s a f$&%#^ boat. Yes I am mean because it’s really hard for me. He and I both grew up poor but he seems to not care about the future because he might as well enjoy it now rather than fight inflation, whereas I am always petrified I’d lose my job and we wouldnt have enough savings to float us by.

Im gonna sign out now, but I just wanted to say thank you for all the feedback. I am scared to talk to others because maybe I am in denial, and this has been helpful.

OP, even though I am in a happy marriage, there is a similar dynamic with DH and myself where I like to save money and he likes to spend it. This is a significant issue and quite problematic if you can't come to an agreement on financial priorities. One thing that helped us was to get a financial planner. DHs do not want hear their wives nagging him about spending $ on frivolous purchases, but they are much more likely to listen to the importance of saving for college and retirement if it is coming from a financial professional, not a nagging spouse. Is this something that you could try?

Finally, I think if you try counseling and financial planning, and things still are not working out, and you are very unhappy, then it is time to consider if you want to be in this marriage. One thing that I have not seen you address, is he a good father? Given that you earn significantly more, I would expect that he contributes with the kids and around the house. My parents are divorced and honestly my siblings and were not upset by this event, we practically welcomed it. Especially since our father was not a good father and our mother would have primary custody. On the other hand, I had friends who were very upset by their parents divorce and it can be quite traumatizing for some children and teens. It really depends on so many factors, it is just impossible to know how they will handle it. My parents are both so much happier now that they are with other people.

Same, across the board. Everyone was better off not in the same house, Mom had Primary everything, Dad was just fun when we saw him instead of angry and defensive due to child or home responsibilities he could not handle.

"We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?)"

You would have financial autonomy post-divorce. It seems rather ironic to think about staying married to someone who shares such disparate financial values because of the cost of divorce. Why do you think divorce will be expensive? Do mean the loss of joint income and assets? So what? Can you survive and thrive with what you will have and continue to earn post-divorce?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Understand that your ex is not going to be obligated to do anything in your interest once you say the magic words.

He won't even be compelled to act in his own or even his kids' best interests.

We have said it already. Multiple times. We are planning the logistics. And now that we have the logistics, it is hitting me (i dont know about him— he says he is scared also) hard. Yes, I have romantic fantasies about being married to a guy I can actually save for a future with and Im sure he has fantasies about a nonmean girl who supports his passions.

I thought finances were our biggest issue too. We had aggressively paid off his student loans— all his salary went there. I took care of everything. I thought we would be happy to pay them off, and start saving for college. Instead, it’s a f$&%#^ boat. Yes I am mean because it’s really hard for me. He and I both grew up poor but he seems to not care about the future because he might as well enjoy it now rather than fight inflation, whereas I am always petrified I’d lose my job and we wouldnt have enough savings to float us by.

Im gonna sign out now, but I just wanted to say thank you for all the feedback. I am scared to talk to others because maybe I am in denial, and this has been helpful.

OP, even though I am in a happy marriage, there is a similar dynamic with DH and myself where I like to save money and he likes to spend it. This is a significant issue and quite problematic if you can't come to an agreement on financial priorities. One thing that helped us was to get a financial planner. DHs do not want hear their wives nagging him about spending $ on frivolous purchases, but they are much more likely to listen to the importance of saving for college and retirement if it is coming from a financial professional, not a nagging spouse. Is this something that you could try?

Finally, I think if you try counseling and financial planning, and things still are not working out, and you are very unhappy, then it is time to consider if you want to be in this marriage. One thing that I have not seen you address, is he a good father? Given that you earn significantly more, I would expect that he contributes with the kids and around the house. My parents are divorced and honestly my siblings and were not upset by this event, we practically welcomed it. Especially since our father was not a good father and our mother would have primary custody. On the other hand, I had friends who were very upset by their parents divorce and it can be quite traumatizing for some children and teens. It really depends on so many factors, it is just impossible to know how they will handle it. My parents are both so much happier now that they are with other people.