Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice?

Introverted people are not like this. I am introverted but I like company once in a while and I don't hold my kids back even when I am not in a mood to interact with people.

So much projection.

Could be SIL finds OP ago be a horrible, nosy busybody. She is willing to spend 2 hours at the park or at OPs as a reasonable compromise to family harmony.
Could be part of the reason for those time limits is that these kids have play dates all over the place with people they are not the cousins, or have lots of activities.

It says a lot to me that the onus, again is on the woman, and not the BIL, as keeper of the children’s happiness or whatever. These children are not being sequestered away if they are going on two hour play dates with their cousins and go to their cousins house. OP has some agenda about going to their house and letting the kids play unchecked for hours on end. I don’t really see anything unreasonable about what’s going on, other than OPs need to diagnose someone with something she knows nothing about over stuff that is entirely in her own head.

Not everyone views cousins being BFFs as some sort of freakish birthright, especially when there is a an age difference (which P still has not answered about).

Anonymous wrote:SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice?

Introverted people are not like this. I am introverted but I like company once in a while and I don't hold my kids back even when I am not in a mood to interact with people.

Sounds like sil is just tolerating you the best she can by establishing time boundaries.

OP, is it possible that your SIL's house is untidy and cluttered and that is why she doesn't like to invite people to come over?

Do you know if SIL and her DH ever invite other relatives or neighbors to their house?

Eh, just keep doing what you’re doing and tell your kids that’s just how it is. By the tween/teen years, they’re making their own plans and you don’t have to rely on their mom so much.

Anonymous wrote:SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice?

Maybe you should try teaching your kids some respect for other people instead. Asking someone to change their personality or even their plans because your kids are offended is ridiculous.

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Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

I get it OP, but unfortunately you can’t change SIL, so just prioritize the cousins playing together (even if you’re the one always putting in the effort) and forget about reciprocation.

Side note: this is why I always pity the children of extreme introverts. I am somewhat introverted, but I put that aside for the sake of my kids and host regularly and always accept invitations if I logistically can. The extreme introverts I know have tiny circles and no one to count on, because few will stay friends with you if you *never* reciprocate or show interest in them. So their less-introverted kids feel really lonely.

Absolutely this. Also I feel like "introvert" is increasingly being used as an excuse for rude behavior. I say this as someone is introverted.

I agree with you both and I am introverted, as is DH. We still host play dates in our smallish place, have birthday parties and force ourselves to talk. It’s good for our early elementary DC and ensures they aren’t feeling that loneliness. My father is that way, and so is my brother. It’s a lonely way to live.

I'm the PP from above this last post. Totally agree, have seen the cautionary tale and don't wish to repeat it

You can have make time to recharge and be on your own while still socializing. Otherwise it's more like social anxiety than just being an introvert.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

I get it OP, but unfortunately you can’t change SIL, so just prioritize the cousins playing together (even if you’re the one always putting in the effort) and forget about reciprocation.

Side note: this is why I always pity the children of extreme introverts. I am somewhat introverted, but I put that aside for the sake of my kids and host regularly and always accept invitations if I logistically can. The extreme introverts I know have tiny circles and no one to count on, because few will stay friends with you if you *never* reciprocate or show interest in them. So their less-introverted kids feel really lonely.

Absolutely this. Also I feel like "introvert" is increasingly being used as an excuse for rude behavior. I say this as someone is introverted.

I agree with you both and I am introverted, as is DH. We still host play dates in our smallish place, have birthday parties and force ourselves to talk. It’s good for our early elementary DC and ensures they aren’t feeling that loneliness. My father is that way, and so is my brother. It’s a lonely way to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

I get it OP, but unfortunately you can’t change SIL, so just prioritize the cousins playing together (even if you’re the one always putting in the effort) and forget about reciprocation.

Side note: this is why I always pity the children of extreme introverts. I am somewhat introverted, but I put that aside for the sake of my kids and host regularly and always accept invitations if I logistically can. The extreme introverts I know have tiny circles and no one to count on, because few will stay friends with you if you *never* reciprocate or show interest in them. So their less-introverted kids feel really lonely.

Absolutely this. Also I feel like "introvert" is increasingly being used as an excuse for rude behavior. I say this as someone is introverted.

You’re the worst, OP.

Anonymous wrote:If you want your kids to play with her kids, you host. And get over yourself. You sound dramatic and judgmental. I’d steer clear of you, too.

+1

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

x1000

If you want your kids to play with her kids, you host. And get over yourself. You sound dramatic and judgmental. I’d steer clear of you, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

You seem judgmental - maybe she just doesn't want to invite YOU to her house to judge it. I'm an introvert and invite very few people to my house. Teach your kids to be more open-minded. Just say "Aunt Sally doesn't like hosting, so we meet at the park. The important thing is we get together!"

You sound awful OP. And I say this as a major extrovert.