Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Part of ADHD is getting stuck on the idea that you have the right answer and you know it’s right and you just can’t let go. It happens. And it is happening now. You are the dad. You know. Only you know. No one else can know as good as you. It’s an impulse thing. You can’t control the impulse to be rigid to this one idea. It’s too overwhelming to let go of. But in this case if you don’t you can hurt your DS. Maybe it’s time for you to get your own help.

It is not about getting stuck on an idea. It's about teaching him that everything is possible, even if he's not doing them through traditional means. I compared it to weight loss earlier and in that example, the goal is weight loss, but HIIT or WW or IF. Those are just the means to the end. But with ADHD, we have a different way of doing things and we will often be told we're wrong right up until we are done, and then they'll come and ask us how we did it (and maybe still tell us we did it wrong). So I'm trying to instill this confidence in him to keep trying and particularly to try his approaches that he likes that may not be the standard way of doing it.

I'm teaching him poems like try try again and if at first you don't succeed and don't quit because he needs to learn to embrace his creative way of thinking

What works for me won't always work for him that's a given and I've seen that already. Maybe it won't work for me in a year or a month or a day. But like like Nas once said, if they wrote a book on my life, it'd be a best seller. And no matter what I keep on. That's what I want to teach my son. And sure a therapist can help with the day to day management of it but I'm not going to depend on a therapist to be his parent. So when he has a problem with managing ADHD or with class or with a social thing, I want him to know dad had been through that so maybe he can help me, so let me talk to dad about it. Sure we can talk to a therapist too but I still have a very important job to do.

And part of my understanding that he's not me is understanding that my ways don't always work, or that he wants to try his ways out, ways that make no sense to me at first, but I'm going to give him a lot more room than I was given before I was told I was wrong (stupid), and if he is able to correct himself then great.

The thing I've got on my side is that I'm seeing his progress. I mentioned his anxiety and just there, but we haven't talked about his confidence, his reading his math, his love for numbers, his finding patterns and love to talk about them, his storytelling, his love for running and riding bikes. These are all things he learned through non traditional methods (except maybe running). And if this search for a (the right) therapist takes longer than expected, I don't want him thinking ADHD is impossible because people say so.

Daddy said differently because daddy is showing you differently. Maybe he won't be able to do everything (I can't dance) but I'm going to let him be the one who decides that not some outside person who says what he can't do because of ADHD.

I agree you are very stuck on the idea that you do not need professional help for your son. You can still show him all your strategies and sayings and whatever. But after reading what you write I am all the more convinced that you need help.

Anonymous wrote:
Part of ADHD is getting stuck on the idea that you have the right answer and you know it’s right and you just can’t let go. It happens. And it is happening now. You are the dad. You know. Only you know. No one else can know as good as you. It’s an impulse thing. You can’t control the impulse to be rigid to this one idea. It’s too overwhelming to let go of. But in this case if you don’t you can hurt your DS. Maybe it’s time for you to get your own help.

It is not about getting stuck on an idea. It's about teaching him that everything is possible, even if he's not doing them through traditional means. I compared it to weight loss earlier and in that example, the goal is weight loss, but HIIT or WW or IF. Those are just the means to the end. But with ADHD, we have a different way of doing things and we will often be told we're wrong right up until we are done, and then they'll come and ask us how we did it (and maybe still tell us we did it wrong). So I'm trying to instill this confidence in him to keep trying and particularly to try his approaches that he likes that may not be the standard way of doing it.

I'm teaching him poems like try try again and if at first you don't succeed and don't quit because he needs to learn to embrace his creative way of thinking

What works for me won't always work for him that's a given and I've seen that already. Maybe it won't work for me in a year or a month or a day. But like like Nas once said, if they wrote a book on my life, it'd be a best seller. And no matter what I keep on. That's what I want to teach my son. And sure a therapist can help with the day to day management of it but I'm not going to depend on a therapist to be his parent. So when he has a problem with managing ADHD or with class or with a social thing, I want him to know dad had been through that so maybe he can help me, so let me talk to dad about it. Sure we can talk to a therapist too but I still have a very important job to do.

And part of my understanding that he's not me is understanding that my ways don't always work, or that he wants to try his ways out, ways that make no sense to me at first, but I'm going to give him a lot more room than I was given before I was told I was wrong (stupid), and if he is able to correct himself then great.

The thing I've got on my side is that I'm seeing his progress. I mentioned his anxiety and just there, but we haven't talked about his confidence, his reading his math, his love for numbers, his finding patterns and love to talk about them, his storytelling, his love for running and riding bikes. These are all things he learned through non traditional methods (except maybe running). And if this search for a (the right) therapist takes longer than expected, I don't want him thinking ADHD is impossible because people say so.

Daddy said differently because daddy is showing you differently. Maybe he won't be able to do everything (I can't dance) but I'm going to let him be the one who decides that not some outside person who says what he can't do because of ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be (subconsciously) looking for reasons to avoid therapy, but I think you're just misinterpreting how I'm stating things. I'm literally just writing out my thoughts in some of this and it may read that way, but the way I see it is that there are a bunch of things (about therapy) that I haven't considered, that I need to think about. So the question of "who should we see for therapy" breaks down into a bunch of other questions that help point me into a direction of action, so I can say "look for someone in network", "will everybody require an analysis before we see them or can I search for somebody who won't require that" "how much will such a therapist cost", etc

Hi OP! I am a parent with diagnosed ADHD who has a kid with likely ADHD who has not been evaluated and what you write makes total sense to me.

Therapy - sounds hard. Like they are going to make me do work and I will have to follow through. Also I will have to make appointments, remember to show up for them, navigate paying for them - and that’s just hard. Especially if I have to make a lot of phone calls or connect info from different sources. It’s just too much and I’ve disappointed myself so many times by not following through - so why get my hopes up, you know?

Also I hate finishing things because my personality and ego rest on a strong foundation of “possibility” and “potential unrealized”. What if I finish things - then what? What if my potential isn’t that great and I’m actually pretty mediocre, and not just a scatterbrained genius like people think?

Also what if I do make progress and improve my symptoms - and then I have to grieve all my mistakes and lost opportunities. And I don’t really want to go there.

Aghhhhh - but back to the kid. I have been sitting on the idea of getting my kid evaluated for over a year. I have mentioned it to my husband but he has not helped because I have not explicitly asked for help and also he doesn’t have ADHD and does not understand at all. I also mask and cope pretty well so he is used to my quirks and my son’s quirks. But all the angst and excuses and fears above? We have got to get our stuff together and help our kids so they don’t feel like this at age 40.

I have asked here for advice on how to get started. Something is wrong with my kid - but I don’t know what. Maybe ADHD. Maybe SPD. Maybe anxiety.
Do au ask my Ped? What kind of eval does my kid need - and what words do I use to get that? How do I know who is a good provider? I need a script for where to start. Neurotypical parents don’t understand how paralyzing and confusing this is - and the longer I wait, the more the shame grows from waiting, and the harder it is to do something - anything. I have only gotten unhelpful/vague/dismissive or really mean answers on DCUM.

I had hopes that special needs parents would be like “I navigated this! Let me help you!” But no. Perhaps I was foolish to anticipate some practical, logistical help, but I also went through fertility treatments to get pregnant and the infertility community is soooo supportive and helpful. People online will help you step by step figuring out how to navigate the system from step 1.

I am sure you have been given the answer but i bet you keep searching for a “better” one 🤷‍♀️

the answer is neuropsychological test. google it, pick one closest to you, schedule it

the diagnosis adhd and learning issues

21:19 Nanny had SOLID advice!! Also: YOU need to become a child therapist. I know the pay isnt great...BUT, you are intelligent and observant and clearly you already know a lot about kids and people.

OP: I just want to say I wish my ex husband was 1/10th as insightful and caring as you are.

By start contrast, he didnt care at all about helping our daughter with the ADHD that he himself had. He was also not interested in facing his own ADHD.

There is ONE thing, though, that I dont think has been mentioned yet that you cant help with, and that is: helping the person with ADHD understand/have some empathy for the challenges that their loved ones without ADHD also face as a result of some of their actions. Navigating THAT without guilt would probably be only do-able by a therapist with significant experience.

Anonymous wrote:I may be (subconsciously) looking for reasons to avoid therapy, but I think you're just misinterpreting how I'm stating things. I'm literally just writing out my thoughts in some of this and it may read that way, but the way I see it is that there are a bunch of things (about therapy) that I haven't considered, that I need to think about. So the question of "who should we see for therapy" breaks down into a bunch of other questions that help point me into a direction of action, so I can say "look for someone in network", "will everybody require an analysis before we see them or can I search for somebody who won't require that" "how much will such a therapist cost", etc

Hi OP! I am a parent with diagnosed ADHD who has a kid with likely ADHD who has not been evaluated and what you write makes total sense to me.

Therapy - sounds hard. Like they are going to make me do work and I will have to follow through. Also I will have to make appointments, remember to show up for them, navigate paying for them - and that’s just hard. Especially if I have to make a lot of phone calls or connect info from different sources. It’s just too much and I’ve disappointed myself so many times by not following through - so why get my hopes up, you know?

Also I hate finishing things because my personality and ego rest on a strong foundation of “possibility” and “potential unrealized”. What if I finish things - then what? What if my potential isn’t that great and I’m actually pretty mediocre, and not just a scatterbrained genius like people think?

Also what if I do make progress and improve my symptoms - and then I have to grieve all my mistakes and lost opportunities. And I don’t really want to go there.

Aghhhhh - but back to the kid. I have been sitting on the idea of getting my kid evaluated for over a year. I have mentioned it to my husband but he has not helped because I have not explicitly asked for help and also he doesn’t have ADHD and does not understand at all. I also mask and cope pretty well so he is used to my quirks and my son’s quirks. But all the angst and excuses and fears above? We have got to get our stuff together and help our kids so they don’t feel like this at age 40.

I have asked here for advice on how to get started. Something is wrong with my kid - but I don’t know what. Maybe ADHD. Maybe SPD. Maybe anxiety.
Do au ask my Ped? What kind of eval does my kid need - and what words do I use to get that? How do I know who is a good provider? I need a script for where to start. Neurotypical parents don’t understand how paralyzing and confusing this is - and the longer I wait, the more the shame grows from waiting, and the harder it is to do something - anything. I have only gotten unhelpful/vague/dismissive or really mean answers on DCUM.

I had hopes that special needs parents would be like “I navigated this! Let me help you!” But no. Perhaps I was foolish to anticipate some practical, logistical help, but I also went through fertility treatments to get pregnant and the infertility community is soooo supportive and helpful. People online will help you step by step figuring out how to navigate the system from step 1.

It doesn’t sound to me like you have ADHD. I have ADHD and cannot function without medication.

Don't underestimate your ability to help your child based on your own experience.

I have a son with ADHD, and I *suspect* my DH has it too (although undiagnosed). I'll have read many books, talked to several friends, teachers, his therapist etc., to tackle an issue our son is having, and nothing really seems to work... until my DH will casually remark... "Why don't you try XYZ? That's what works for me when I have that issue..." And I'm like... why didn't you tell me that weeks ago?

The answers seem so obvious to my DH, because he's lived this way his whole life. Sure, therapists and professionals are great and needed and can also help a ton, but you have basically spent a lifetime observing and understanding what your child is going through full-time, and no professional can match that experience.

21:19 - loved your post.

I have a 10-year old with pretty severe ADHD - first diagnosed at 4. His dad also had ADHD, but he was raised in a large household and his parents are a bit unorthodox, so he never got help. His dad felt like since he got through life and is financially successful, our son will be fine, too. But fine isn't good enough, in my opinion. Like most parents, I want our son to have a full childhood and experience success. I got him in with a highly recommended child psychiatrist when he was 4 and we added occupational therapy when he was a little older. I also enrolled him in a ton of different sports when he was young, and then we narrowed them down to just a couple that he's really good at, which is a big source of confidence and self worth for him. His occupational therapist helps with the typical stuff, like executive functioning, but she also very quickly noticed an eye twitch that we never really thought much about, and started vision therapy, which has been hugely helpful with his reading and spatial awareness in sports. We also found a great math curriculum for him afterschool that we do together, as I assume learning in a group setting is going to be a long term challenge.

So, excuse me for the brag, but between medicine, occupational therapy, lots of one-on-one parent time helping with school work, and a big emphasis on sports, I can report that my 10-year old is really thriving. He tested into the school's gifted program last year, and he made a top travel team in a sport where we really questioned if he had a fighting chance in the early years because it requires so much focus and did not seem like a natural fit, but he loved it so we kept with it!

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:I am you Op but I am the mom. In my 40’s my “way of doing things” stopped working as well and I finally went on medication for ADHD and it was only then that I could loom back and realize that nope I never managed quite as well as I thought I did and my way of doing things often were actually terrible 😅

I think it’s ok to make suggestions of things that worked but don’t be wedded to them. Yes seek out and follow therapists advice as well.

Part of ADHD is getting stuck on the idea that you have the right answer and you know it’s right and you just can’t let go. It happens. And it is happening now. You are the dad. You know. Only you know. No one else can know as good as you. It’s an impulse thing. You can’t control the impulse to be rigid to this one idea. It’s too overwhelming to let go of. But in this case if you don’t you can hurt your DS. Maybe it’s time for you to get your own help.

Very insightful.

I am you Op but I am the mom. In my 40’s my “way of doing things” stopped working as well and I finally went on medication for ADHD and it was only then that I could loom back and realize that nope I never managed quite as well as I thought I did and my way of doing things often were actually terrible 😅

I think it’s ok to make suggestions of things that worked but don’t be wedded to them. Yes seek out and follow therapists advice as well.

Part of ADHD is getting stuck on the idea that you have the right answer and you know it’s right and you just can’t let go. It happens. And it is happening now. You are the dad. You know. Only you know. No one else can know as good as you. It’s an impulse thing. You can’t control the impulse to be rigid to this one idea. It’s too overwhelming to let go of. But in this case if you don’t you can hurt your DS. Maybe it’s time for you to get your own help.

I am a nanny who has worked with several kids with ADHD or on the spectrum and I definitely think he needs the therapy!

It’s great that he has you to share these strategies and ideas with him, but there are three problems with you being his only source of strategies:

1) He is not you—some strategies that worked for you won’t work for him, or he may have different goals for himself than you do. So something that fulfilled your own needs and goals at his age may not tick that same box for him.

2) His world is not your world—I think a really important general principle with these kinds of kids is that the disorder or diagnosis or problem isn’t something wrong with the kid, it is simply a way of describing the mismatch between how the kid functions and how the world expects/demands he function. So you have to remember that not only are the tools that work for you as an adult probably not going to match his needs as a child, but also the tools you used as a child may not match the social, technological, etc., environment he is living in as a child today.

3) You loom too large. You are right that your love for him and your knowledge of him helps in a lot of ways, but you are also one of the most important people in his life. Your opinions, your communication style, your way or encouraging him are all weighed down with the maximum emotional and psychological baggage! Having a therapist who is an objective professional tell him that something needs to change or congratulate him and try to build his confidence in an area hits differently than his DAD! When you give negative feedback, it is more emotional. When you give praise, he knows it comes from someone who loves him deeply (and therefore he might believe it less). Just the fact of that relationship makes certain things hard. So to make yourself the ONLY person in that role will mean that certain messages may never land. even if you said exactly what he needed to hear, he may not be able to absorb it from you

08/01/2021 21:44

That's a very interesting perspective but there are a few notable differences, namely I'm his father so I have to make direct decisions on his life, particularly at this phase where he can't make a lot of decisions on his own.

I do fear that I'll get too caught up in my own ways of doing things and what works for me. But you give it one (dangerous) angle. But why not also give the example of the dieter who lost weight with her plan and whenever her friend comes for advice she tells the friend what worked for her? "Well I tried a bunch of things then tried intermittent fasting and it worked". It may not be as strong as a dietician/ nutrition specialist/ fitness expert, but it is a personal (success) story.

This thread was a point in time and I've read the responses, overwhelmingly saying that I shouldn't be ignoring the therapist advice and that I should be taking a more active role in the search. So that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'll start another thread about that process but when I posted my thoughts people acted like I was still trying to avoid it (contacting a therapist). So this thread is pretty much finished.

22:28 has it right.

A long time ago, I had a serious problem. I joined a support group of people who also had this problem. At first, it helped. Just knowing other people had dealt with this and make it through to the other side really helped. Then some of the people in the group started making suggestions that I try what had worked for them.

Sometimes, I knew immediately that what they suggested would not work for me. Other times, I'd try it and it wouldn't work. At the next meeting, they'd ask if I'd done what they suggested. They would be visibly annoyed if I said no. It was even worse if I admitted I had tried their suggestion, but it hadn't work. Usually, the immediate response was I must not have done it correctly and then they would repeat the suggestion while cross-examining me as to how I had tried to carry out their suggestion. One thought I needed a specific kind of therapy and of course thought her therapist was the person I had to see. I read a bit about the therapy and didn't think it was reputable.

Fortunately, I had a good pastor and I talked to him about this. He laughed. He said he had no experience with support groups for my problem. However, he had a lot of experience with Alcoholics Anonymous, since he'd often been a sponsor for such groups, allowing them to meet at his church. He said there were some alcoholics who had reached sobriety who thought their personal experience overrode everything else. What worked for them would work for everyone. They crowned themselves "expert" based solely on their own experience. They thought experience made them more expert than people who were not alcoholics but had extensive academic training plus experience working with many alcoholics in a wide variety of settings. He said that being an alcoholic does NOT make anyone an expert on alcoholism and thinking it does makes these people very, very dangerous. As the sponsor of some groups in which this happened, he'd had to step in and often that resulted in ugly situations.

I think you're kind of like the people in my support group and the alcoholics my pastor talked about. The fact you have ADHD means you can be very helpful to your son in realizing that people with this problem can be successful in life. However, you need to recognize that you are NOT an expert on ADHD and that worked for you may not work for your son. Things that did not work for you may work for your son. What you really want to avoid is putting your son in a position in which he thinks he has to try your solutions and is reluctant to let you know that they don't work for him.

You need a true, objective expert.

You are not a professional, and you are not objective. Give your child someone he is not related to, to talk to.