Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 21:45     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:Me too. She is awful, but only with me. I have said to her, no matter how awful and mean you are to me, no matter how much you continue to hurt my feelings, no matter how much I dislike your behavior, I will always love you. That is my current go-to.

All I can say is try not to react/engage, keep calm and steady, and carry on. I'm told they will come back to us in a few years. I hope those doing the telling are correct


Loving someone doesn't mean you have to put up with someone being nasty. Stop doing anything you do for her. No driving, no money, no laundry, etc. She does it because she gets away with it. Don't put up with it.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 19:17     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My teen DD is so mean, so cruel, so unrelenting that I am in tears nearly daily. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She is a good student and from all reports lovely to others. But she takes everything out on me, says mean things to me, etc. daily. I mean it does not stop.

I am heartbroken over this. And worn out from all the crying. I swear, sometimes it feels like an abusive relationship. I have fantasies of running away.

I just want a day of peace, but every single day something inevitably sets her off and at some point I just can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t always see me cry—many times I make it out of the room. Other times she does.

I’m so tired of it.


OP- I suggest that you set the boundary in advance. Approach your DD when things are calm. Tell her that you notice and are hurt by the things she says. Let her know that she has every right to her thoughts and feelings, but she is not permitted to say disrespectful, unkind things aloud. If it happens again, you will remove her phone for twenty four hours.

Expect that it will happen, then follow through. Don't respond or punish her behavior when you take the phone (she will likely try to manipulate the situation with apologies which you accept, but then escalate into anger when she realizes that you're not giving in and returning the phone--that's when you can leave the room).

Try to get remote access to her phone-- with Apple you can do this with family share. I don't ever physically try to take anything from an angry DS14- that's going to escalate things and become a real power struggle.

My DS has ADHD and some anxiety-- we are very familiar with impulsive, disrespectful language. We make sure he knows, in advance what will happen, then we follow through in a neutral manner.


Also, OP, as others have said, this is not personal. I do think you need to get to the bottom of why your DD is saying angry, hateful things to you-- it sounds like she is experiencing some anxiety, frustration, etc. and you're a safe outlet for those feelings.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 19:04     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:My teen DD is so mean, so cruel, so unrelenting that I am in tears nearly daily. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She is a good student and from all reports lovely to others. But she takes everything out on me, says mean things to me, etc. daily. I mean it does not stop.

I am heartbroken over this. And worn out from all the crying. I swear, sometimes it feels like an abusive relationship. I have fantasies of running away.

I just want a day of peace, but every single day something inevitably sets her off and at some point I just can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t always see me cry—many times I make it out of the room. Other times she does.

I’m so tired of it.


OP- I suggest that you set the boundary in advance. Approach your DD when things are calm. Tell her that you notice and are hurt by the things she says. Let her know that she has every right to her thoughts and feelings, but she is not permitted to say disrespectful, unkind things aloud. If it happens again, you will remove her phone for twenty four hours.

Expect that it will happen, then follow through. Don't respond or punish her behavior when you take the phone (she will likely try to manipulate the situation with apologies which you accept, but then escalate into anger when she realizes that you're not giving in and returning the phone--that's when you can leave the room).

Try to get remote access to her phone-- with Apple you can do this with family share. I don't ever physically try to take anything from an angry DS14- that's going to escalate things and become a real power struggle.

My DS has ADHD and some anxiety-- we are very familiar with impulsive, disrespectful language. We make sure he knows, in advance what will happen, then we follow through in a neutral manner.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 18:36     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!


Um, excuse me, what? I don't even understand the question. YOU TAKE IT FROM THEM. PHYSICALLY.



I wouldn't get near my nearly 6 ft tall son if he was agitated in order to grab the phone from him. Nope. No way.


You don’t wait until they’re six feet tall to start enforcing your authority. I see people who let their little kids walk all over them and I wonder if they have any idea how they’re going to have any authority at all when they’re teens.

I do agree that OP needs to needs to be a door mat, but I disagree that it involves being “mean” back. “Tough & authoritative” and “mean” are different things.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 16:39     Subject: Re:I Am Constantly in Tears
I was mean to my mom but otherwise a really good kid. I grew out of it after college (worst age was 13-15). We are now best friends and I still apologize for how I treated her. I’m thankful she never took it personally and mostly rolled her eyes at me. It will get better but in the meantime, you should stand up for yourself and find an effective punishment for disrespect. I would also seek help from the therapist and learn to not take it personally.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 15:56     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
You need a counselor. I would start by talking to your family doctor or her pediatrician. You need to realize the way she’s treating you is not OK and that there needs to be consequences for that.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 15:56     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!


Um, excuse me, what? I don't even understand the question. YOU TAKE IT FROM THEM. PHYSICALLY.



I wouldn't get near my nearly 6 ft tall son if he was agitated in order to grab the phone from him. Nope. No way.


If your "agitated" child would harm you, you have problems that taking a phone away is not going to solve. But you do need to address them.


I don't think it is a good idea to get into a physical altercation (grabbing teen's phone) no matter whether they are 6' or 5'. You can shut it off, though (call the provider and turn off house wifi).
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 15:47     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!


Um, excuse me, what? I don't even understand the question. YOU TAKE IT FROM THEM. PHYSICALLY.



I wouldn't get near my nearly 6 ft tall son if he was agitated in order to grab the phone from him. Nope. No way.


If your "agitated" child would harm you, you have problems that taking a phone away is not going to solve. But you do need to address them.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 15:21     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
When my DD is like this, I tell her that she is not going to speak to me that way. So, she needs to go somewhere and cool the eff down (or I do) and when she is ready to "act like a human" and she can express herself like the adult she wants to be, then we'll talk. If she continues, I leave the room.

I do love her. But I'm not here to be her punching bag.

I give some time/space and then, if she doesn't come to me, I go to her. Were the disrespect to continue, then the flames of my fury would fall upon her and she knows it. Besides a tongue-lashing, she'd lose every privilege imaginable. Mercifully, the latter has never come to pass. She always blinks first.

I'm trying to get her to know that, just b/c she's angry, she doesn't get to act like a B to people. I'll listen to her vent (that's a good thing) but I do not let her take her frustrations out on me (and vice versa). This happens less and less now (for now?) So, this works for her.

Stay tuned. I'm sure more Adventures in Teenagering ahead.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 14:30     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!


Um, excuse me, what? I don't even understand the question. YOU TAKE IT FROM THEM. PHYSICALLY.



I wouldn't get near my nearly 6 ft tall son if he was agitated in order to grab the phone from him. Nope. No way.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 14:23     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Aha parenting has a great article on this...sorry for not linking it here....It helped me with my own 14 year old daughter...key take aways...fight to stay connected, make her get enough sleep and exercise ( you may have to join her, else she just won't get any exercise on her own) ..please do look it up...am struggling too, but this article was definitely helpful...all the best...this phase too shall pass and you will have a friend in her.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 14:11     Subject: Re:I Am Constantly in Tears
14 is the absolute worst.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 13:48     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!


Um, excuse me, what? I don't even understand the question. YOU TAKE IT FROM THEM. PHYSICALLY.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 13:40     Subject: Re:I Am Constantly in Tears
OP. All us female responders understand what it’s like being a teen girl. The moodiness and the hormone swings are off the charts and it’s hard to control. That being said, it damn well is controllable and I knew what lines not to cross with my parents. So do my 2 teen DDs. They know my DH and I will tolerate bad moods and sniping and moodiness to a point, but if they go too far the router will be shut off and they will lose their phone. Refusing to hand the phone over would be grounds for losing it all together unless they’re paying for it themselves. No one refuses to give something back to us that we’re paying for without consequences. We are lenient on a lot of stuff. But being treated with respect is not negotiable and we would shut that sh*t down in a heartbeat.

Your DD talking to you in a way that has you constantly in tears is massively unacceptable. You need to dig deep and shut it down, give her clear consequences and carry them out. You are doing her no favors by letting her treat someone that badly, particularly someone in her family.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2021 13:36     Subject: I Am Constantly in Tears
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My teen DD is so mean, so cruel, so unrelenting that I am in tears nearly daily. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She is a good student and from all reports lovely to others. But she takes everything out on me, says mean things to me, etc. daily. I mean it does not stop.

I am heartbroken over this. And worn out from all the crying. I swear, sometimes it feels like an abusive relationship. I have fantasies of running away.

I just want a day of peace, but every single day something inevitably sets her off and at some point I just can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t always see me cry—many times I make it out of the room. Other times she does.

I’m so tired of it.


Stop crying and give a mean answer back. Do it today.

She keeps being mean to you waiting for you to stop letting her. She gets angered and triggered by what she sees as weakness. Its caused by her own underlying anxiety and feelings of insecurity and sadness over being so angry and mean and not being able to overcome the impulse.


I agree.