Anonymous wrote:OP again. Do others’ husbands ask to do similar things when their wife is on maternity leave? Did I marry a jerk?

Other DH's do ask this. I have a friend whose DH went on a boys' trip when their first was 2 weeks. Then again, I think he's a jerk (not just for this reason). But she seems happy and had more kids with him, so I think it mostly matters how you feel about it. My DH went on a business trip for 2 weeks when I had a 2 month old. I was annoyed, but I didn't think he was a jerk.

FWIW, depending on the reason (i.e. is it a milestone celebration for a close friend? a bachelor party?), I might be okay with this if he could arrange for a friend/relative to visit and/or line up paid help. But I think it's also reasonable not to be okay with this under any scenario.

I honestly can’t believe he asked this. I’m mom to a 10 week old and 3 year old. My husbands buddy came in for a double header baseball game. He asked if he could go to ONE of the games and had already asked his mom(who is very helpful, this was a good thing) to be there that day to help

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh and laugh and laugh. And then be like “wait … you were serious?”

This.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Do others’ husbands ask to do similar things when their wife is on maternity leave? Did I marry a jerk?

Mine didn’t and I would not have reacted well if he had, since our firstborn has special needs and was hard to manage alone with a newborn.

Anonymous wrote:Just had baby #2 and DH and I are at home on parental leave with a 3.5 year old and a 4-week old. A couple of DH’s friends are going to Vegas for a weekend in a month and he wants to join them. I said no and that it seems pretty selfish and now he is acting cold. Seriously, what gives? Should he be able to go to Vegas and stick me with a newborn who is nursing around the clock and a 3 year old? I don’t understand why he would even ask. I doubt he’d want me to go for a weekend with friends and leave him with a new baby and a preschooler…
Has anyone else ran in to this? Am I the jerk for not letting him go blow a bunch of $$ in Vegas with his buddies while we are on leave?

NO, new baby, two unvaccinated kids. Start pumping and make him get up eat night.

I would laugh and laugh and laugh. And then be like “wait … you were serious?”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be able to get some me time on his paternity leave but a weekend across the country sounds awful. He shouldn’t have asked for that, especially if he didn’t offer to arrange help with the kids. But he taking just might not know a) how difficult it would be to take care of the kids in this situation and b) that not considering the burden it places on you is indeed selfish. So I would do my best to be understanding. Easier said than done though, especially when you’re taking care of a newborn.

I can’t believe he wouldn’t know the strain this would place. IMHO, it would’ve been a crappy ask with “just” an 8 week old newborn. Given that this is their second kid, it’s inconceivable be doesn’t know the amount of work it is to look after a newborn.

Also, the posts stating that OP should tell DH to take the 3 year old are insane right now. There’s evidence out of Australia that unvaccinated people can contract the Delta variant within 5-10 seconds. You want OP to consent to putting her unvaxxed child on a 4 hour flight plus airport time PLUS VEGAS? Wth. No. I’m clearly more risk averse, but covid alone plus an unvaxxed kid would be enough to make me lose it at DH for this question.

You don’t seriously think he would take the three year old, do you? He wants to gamble, drink, and maybe go to the strip club. It’s just a way to shit him down.

This. Duh, PP. Really?

Y’all missed the point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be able to get some me time on his paternity leave but a weekend across the country sounds awful. He shouldn’t have asked for that, especially if he didn’t offer to arrange help with the kids. But he taking just might not know a) how difficult it would be to take care of the kids in this situation and b) that not considering the burden it places on you is indeed selfish. So I would do my best to be understanding. Easier said than done though, especially when you’re taking care of a newborn.

Wait. What? It is PATERNITY not FRATERNITY leave. It was created because it is difficult for one parent dealing with newborns (let alone with a toddler) those first weeks postpartum. I say this as a mom of kids close in age whose husband traveled ALOT so I spent many years alone dealing with the kids. I agree let him go with the toddler if he thinks being with him/her is NBD let alone with newborn. Learn from my mistakes. He needs to participate in this now or you will NEVER get that girls trip.

When I had a newborn and a 3 yo my husband spent one afternoon playing frisbee with his brothers and friends, and I’m glad he did. He needed that time. But of course the rest of his time was spent doing skin to skin time, playing with the 3 yo, folding laundry, etc. There has to be a balance.

But yeah, a weekend in Vegas with his friends would be a hard no and I would be upset if he asked.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Do others’ husbands ask to do similar things when their wife is on maternity leave? Did I marry a jerk?

My husband didn’t. Paternity leave is for bonding with your child. Your takeaway from this should be that you’re doing too much. He should be running the household while you’re on maternity leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be able to get some me time on his paternity leave but a weekend across the country sounds awful. He shouldn’t have asked for that, especially if he didn’t offer to arrange help with the kids. But he taking just might not know a) how difficult it would be to take care of the kids in this situation and b) that not considering the burden it places on you is indeed selfish. So I would do my best to be understanding. Easier said than done though, especially when you’re taking care of a newborn.

I can’t believe he wouldn’t know the strain this would place. IMHO, it would’ve been a crappy ask with “just” an 8 week old newborn. Given that this is their second kid, it’s inconceivable be doesn’t know the amount of work it is to look after a newborn.

Also, the posts stating that OP should tell DH to take the 3 year old are insane right now. There’s evidence out of Australia that unvaccinated people can contract the Delta variant within 5-10 seconds. You want OP to consent to putting her unvaxxed child on a 4 hour flight plus airport time PLUS VEGAS? Wth. No. I’m clearly more risk averse, but covid alone plus an unvaxxed kid would be enough to make me lose it at DH for this question.

You don’t seriously think he would take the three year old, do you? He wants to gamble, drink, and maybe go to the strip club. It’s just a way to shit him down.

This. Duh, PP. Really?

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Do others’ husbands ask to do similar things when their wife is on maternity leave? Did I marry a jerk?

Yep, you married a jerk. I'd take the kids and go to my parents', and tell him that when he's ready to be a real man and commit to his family, he should come find me.

I feel like questions like this are rorschach tests of your marriage.

If my husband had wanted to do this I wouldn't have immediately thought he was an enormous jerk. But my husband wouldn't have asked assuming I'd say yes, he would have thought through ways to support me while I was gone, and he is an extremely supportive partner all the time so there is preexisting generosity towards him in my heart.

If he asked me expecting me to say yes with no thought for how hard it was going to be and had been leaving me to shoulder most of the work for months and he was spending our family's vacation budget (and in the middle of a pandemic while we had a newborn he was going to come back to) to do it then my reaction would be much worse.

The idea that someone would ask about going on a trip when they have a two month old at home isn't inherently bad. The needle falls one way or another based on the larger picture of the marriage and person and their behavior.

But regardless, his sulking and you posting about how he sucks on the internet says something pretty alarming about your marriage that has nothing to do with him asking about going to Vegas. It sounds like you both have resentment towards each other and it is not really about this trip. I would for sure figure out why this is a hot button for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be able to get some me time on his paternity leave but a weekend across the country sounds awful. He shouldn’t have asked for that, especially if he didn’t offer to arrange help with the kids. But he taking just might not know a) how difficult it would be to take care of the kids in this situation and b) that not considering the burden it places on you is indeed selfish. So I would do my best to be understanding. Easier said than done though, especially when you’re taking care of a newborn.

Wait. What? It is PATERNITY not FRATERNITY leave. It was created because it is difficult for one parent dealing with newborns (let alone with a toddler) those first weeks postpartum. I say this as a mom of kids close in age whose husband traveled ALOT so I spent many years alone dealing with the kids. I agree let him go with the toddler if he thinks being with him/her is NBD let alone with newborn. Learn from my mistakes. He needs to participate in this now or you will NEVER get that girls trip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be able to get some me time on his paternity leave but a weekend across the country sounds awful. He shouldn’t have asked for that, especially if he didn’t offer to arrange help with the kids. But he taking just might not know a) how difficult it would be to take care of the kids in this situation and b) that not considering the burden it places on you is indeed selfish. So I would do my best to be understanding. Easier said than done though, especially when you’re taking care of a newborn.

I can’t believe he wouldn’t know the strain this would place. IMHO, it would’ve been a crappy ask with “just” an 8 week old newborn. Given that this is their second kid, it’s inconceivable be doesn’t know the amount of work it is to look after a newborn.

Also, the posts stating that OP should tell DH to take the 3 year old are insane right now. There’s evidence out of Australia that unvaccinated people can contract the Delta variant within 5-10 seconds. You want OP to consent to putting her unvaxxed child on a 4 hour flight plus airport time PLUS VEGAS? Wth. No. I’m clearly more risk averse, but covid alone plus an unvaxxed kid would be enough to make me lose it at DH for this question.

This ticks me off to no end, but if you are breastfeeding, your partner cannot know how difficult it really is. Even if he really thought hard and tried to understand the situation, which most people wouldn’t, they just will never understand. Generally speaking men just do not understand how grueling the whole thing is. This is why most women have to ask for help from their partners instead of just being helped.

Not that it’s an excuse for OP’s husband. There is no reason he couldn’t have just considered for a moment before asking. But when I stopped expecting or hoping my husband would understand how hard it is to be the primary parent, it was easier for me to let that frustration go. And you have to let a lot of stuff go in order to have a good marriage.

Absolutely a jerk for asking.