Anonymous wrote:OP, im curious: do you think you could honestly say that you sincerely want your wife to realize her full sexual potential, outside of how that would benefit you? Can you set aside your own desires and hope for your wife, for her own sake, that she can have the sex lift her heart truly desires? Not in a “there is a problem and let’s fix this way,” but in a “I love my spouse and I want what is best for you her” kind of way?

I am thinking about a romance novel I read a while back, and in it the main characters had several sexual encounters solely focused on the woman’s pleasure before they ever had sex. This was not at all a turn-on for me personally, but maybe it shows that a lot of women love the idea of being assured that their partners want the best for them sexually, as opposed to wondering if their sexual partners see them as an object there to meet their own sexual desires. Because men often do feel that way about women, sadly.

I obviously don’t know what is going on, maybe your wife truly, genuinely never wants an orgasm or sex again. But I think most people do want a good sex life, even if they have been a stranger to desire for a while. And if you look at the situation from the perspective of a spouse really and truly wanting his wife to be happy, I imagine you are more likely to have success.

Maybe a lot of this depends on how you feel about marriage. Is it transactional, about giving this for that, or is it about sometimes selfless love and connection?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

If men want to have sex with their wives, they first have to not want sex. This advice comes up periodically. It's very Zen.

You have missed the point entirely

That’s often how it goes with these koans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

If men want to have sex with their wives, they first have to not want sex. This advice comes up periodically. It's very Zen.

You have missed the point entirely

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

If men want to have sex with their wives, they first have to not want sex. This advice comes up periodically. It's very Zen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

Yes. And although a vacation is nice, it’s not a bandaid for a larger structural issue. If there is libido loss due to hormones, or if a woman is so overwhelmed by being singly responsible for the kids that she doesn’t have time to focus on her own life and interests, then you need to address those underlying concerns. When a woman is not happy and fulfilled in her own life she is not really in the mood to be seduced by her husband, who she probably blames (consciously or unconsciously) for that lack of fulfillment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

If men want to have sex with their wives, they first have to not want sex. This advice comes up periodically. It's very Zen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.