DH has 3 siblings and they talk to each a couple times a year, on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I have one sibling and we are very close.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone feel like subsequent kids ended up overall not being in the best interest of existing kid(s). why? there's of course pros and cons overall, just curious if anyone has felt like their existing kids ended up overall being negatively impacted long term by an additional child

Well no but we have two boys, 2 years apart, who are as close as can be. They adore each other. I wouldn't want a 3rd for the reason you mentioned. We have a good thing and why mess that up?

Anonymous wrote:I would say so. In our case, our second child is autistic. We have devoted a lot of money, time, and energy for him. I think having an autistic brother will negatively impact my daughter’s life, esp later. I could be wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

I have a disabled brother, and the experiences I had growing up shaped the person I am today. I am now a Special Ed teacher, and I have so much empathy for the families. I wouldn’t trade my brother or my experiences for anything. Your daughter will be fine.

I would say so. In our case, our second child is autistic. We have devoted a lot of money, time, and energy for him. I think having an autistic brother will negatively impact my daughter’s life, esp later. I could be wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

Is getting less attention a bad thing?
I, for one, would not, have not, and do not want the full force of both of my parents attention.

I’m glad that they had other things going on while I was growing up and have their own lives now. Having their attention split between the three of us was really more than wnoufg

Anonymous wrote:Yes - we can do less now that we have more children and I have to say no a lot to my son who is very involved and sporty because of my other children.

I would say this is actually a positive for our family… we spend more time together rather than everyone going their separate ways to extracurriculars. At least, for young kids. Not sure how it would be once they’re teens. But we also are not part of the travel sport, start them young, type of parents. If we were, we probably would have had fewer kids so we could prioritize that.

Every kid we had has been a much loved blessing to our family.

Anonymous wrote:People who say "no" are delusional.

I don't know any family where having a second kid didn't impact the first one.

They definitely get less attention from parents. Most drop out of some of their activities or never do the ones they wanted to because driving them to those is hard with a little kid in tow. There is less money to spend, so they miss expensive camps, expensive activities, sometimes they lose private school education. I could go on and on.

But are those expensive activities what really make for a deeply fulfilling and loving childhood? I would argue no. If the question is whether a second reduces the amount of time parents have for a first child, of course unequivocally no one would argue against that. But I guess we all view what is a “positive” or considered an “impact” for kids differently and for me, those things aren’t necessarily it so aren’t a huge factor in the equation. My second is a newborn and woof, getting used to the new balance is hard but I still think even my 3 year old would say it’s already been net positive for him. A long road to go to see if that sticks and it’s possible it won’t depending on second kids needs, but he adores his very colicky little brother!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a long road. Youre building a family unit that hopefully will last for decades. I have 4 but think one more would be great. Not concerned about Disney trips or them not playing 2 sports. Thinking of them having eachother when im not around anymore. My brother just spent 2 days test driving cars for me a few states away. Other sibling not in picture. Hedge your bets with more kids in case one is a dud.

This is the most honest response I've seen on DCUM in a while. My mom had a second to give me a sibling, in her words, and as children we weren't close and as adults she's fine, but not someone that adds value to my life or even really my parents' life as an adult child. Have more kids because YOU want them. They could turn out to be your child's life long BFF, or they could turn out to be a life long source of stress and resource-taker. And a lot of those close siblings as children grow more and more distant as adults. There is no predicting, so don't worry about it beforehand.

+1

My younger sister grew up to be abusive to me and we're estranged. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy to heal from her abuse. These threads about how many kids to have, how to space them, and what those things mean for sibling relationships and child development, etc etc, are always nonsense. Instead your focus should be on being an excellent parent, whether you have one kid or five. My sister and I didn't have excellent parents. It shows.

Anonymous wrote:People who say "no" are delusional.

I don't know any family where having a second kid didn't impact the first one.

They definitely get less attention from parents. Most drop out of some of their activities or never do the ones they wanted to because driving them to those is hard with a little kid in tow. There is less money to spend, so they miss expensive camps, expensive activities, sometimes they lose private school education. I could go on and on.

And this is bad for them because....? Any kid who thinks they are entitled to a private school education or expensive camps or activities is pretty darn spoiled. I'd argue that not having your parents say yes to everything because you are their sole focus is in fact better in the long run for a child. I know some only children who got everything they ever wanted from their parents and they are complete terrors as adults -- they just expect the world to revolve around them, and that everyone else's needs and wants to take a backseat to theirs, as that is how they grew up. (This is not every only child, I know).

Anonymous wrote:People who say "no" are delusional.

I don't know any family where having a second kid didn't impact the first one.

They definitely get less attention from parents. Most drop out of some of their activities or never do the ones they wanted to because driving them to those is hard with a little kid in tow. There is less money to spend, so they miss expensive camps, expensive activities, sometimes they lose private school education. I could go on and on.

I am a person earlier who said I think my kid thinks yes but that I am not sure. The reason I think she would say yes (although she is 6) is because of the things you listed above.

But I also feel like my daughter has the type of personality where she could easily become a Veruca Salt. She doesn't like being denied things and being told no. Having siblings has taught her sharing and what it means to be a part of a group where you can't always be the star at every time. She has had to occasionally take the back seat and learn about her own strengths and weaknesses. And she absolutely loves her brother.

So I feel like these things are not always cut and dried. It's like inheriting 100M dollars at birth. In some ways sure that is great, and its certainly better than growing up food insecure or in poverty. But there is a middle ground there that is probably actually healthier. Getting everything you want and not being challenged is not good for kids.

My BFF had two kids 16 months apart and they frigging hate each. It was OK through elementary, but from then on it has been war and it breaks my friend's heart daily. Those kids are in their 30s now

Anonymous wrote:People who say "no" are delusional.

I don't know any family where having a second kid didn't impact the first one.

They definitely get less attention from parents. Most drop out of some of their activities or never do the ones they wanted to because driving them to those is hard with a little kid in tow. There is less money to spend, so they miss expensive camps, expensive activities, sometimes they lose private school education. I could go on and on.

Having an impact doesn't mean "net negative" obviously. Some people have great relationships with their siblings as kids and as adults!

People who say "no" are delusional.

I don't know any family where having a second kid didn't impact the first one.

They definitely get less attention from parents. Most drop out of some of their activities or never do the ones they wanted to because driving them to those is hard with a little kid in tow. There is less money to spend, so they miss expensive camps, expensive activities, sometimes they lose private school education. I could go on and on.

I am the oldest of three and now middle-aged. I wish I had been an only child, or that my parents had stopped at two. They did not have a lot of money and frankly were not all that emotionally well-prepared to raise children. I missed out on a lot because my parents could not afford it, and the constant stress emanating from my mother in particular from having to deal with three kids just made my childhood miserable. I don't think having only one child would have made them parents of year, but it would have cut down on the financial and emotional stress. As adults we barely talk to each other and I am ok with that. I have only one child. My sibs have no children.

Yes of course. Kid #1 hates his brother and has remained steadfast in build believe that he ruined his life.