Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I think it just depends on stress, personalities involved, etc. It is tiring if you don't get a break even if you adore them.

There are also a fair number of people who have babies because their spouse (or their parents/ILs) want them and they feel like it is expected/demanded of them. They don't actually want them.

It really sounds like the SO is slacking here. I'm sorry OP.

I don’t really think this is fair. I love my kids but I’m not a fan of every age. My DH loves little newborns. I love early elementary. 2-3 yr olds are just freaking tough.

Same. Plus, the expectation that everyone will "enjoy their kids" all the time is exhausting and unfair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I think it just depends on stress, personalities involved, etc. It is tiring if you don't get a break even if you adore them.

There are also a fair number of people who have babies because their spouse (or their parents/ILs) want them and they feel like it is expected/demanded of them. They don't actually want them.

It really sounds like the SO is slacking here. I'm sorry OP.

I don’t really think this is fair. I love my kids but I’m not a fan of every age. My DH loves little newborns. I love early elementary. 2-3 yr olds are just freaking tough.

Hire a babysitter to give you more 1:1 time with each kiddo.

One, you have a DH problem not a kid problem -- though I also agree things will be less chaotic when the youngest is about 4 -- but it will not necessarily be less time or logistics.

Two, I think *you* need to get out of the house. I kinda get that an uninvolved parent is going to be a bear when you have to actively get them to *leave*. But why don't you just leave? Sign up for a yoga class, do groceries in the morning. Just get out for 3 hours. So what if DH mostly has the TV on? Tell the kids it's Saturday morning cartoons, heck, it might be a nice tradition.

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I could see it being sad if it was all the time, but certain ages are a drag, especially in a culture (modern US) where childrearing isn't a communal endeavor (with neighbors, friends and family all helping out significantly) and you're expected to be extremely engaged with your kids. I find the baby and toddler years a drag. That's a big reason why I have just one. But I adore elementary-school kids, tweens and teens.

We think it's fine and acceptable for teachers to gravitate toward a certain age but not others. Why can't parents be the same? I think it's healthy to admit "this stage isn't my favorite."

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many terrible dads? Especially Millennials. They should be better. Why is their behavior tolerated?

Well, DH and I are late Gen X, not millennial, but…look, my options are to either tolerate it or file for divorce. He won’t do counseling. I’ve tried talking politely, begging, yelling, negotiating, threats, nagging. Nothing works. I’ve explained that my doctor has expressed concerns about my mental well-being. He doesn’t care. He says he loves our kids…and I believe he does. I know he wanted them very badly…we went through IVF for them. I just don’t think he realized the responsibility involved in raising kids, especially when they are this young. Frankly, his mom did everything in his family, too, so that’s the behavior that was modeled for him in his childhood.
I’m trying not to file for separation or divorce, because I know he will want joint custody…and I don’t feel I can trust him with the kids while they are so young and dependent.

Why are there so many terrible dads? Especially Millennials. They should be better. Why is their behavior tolerated?

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

For basically all of human history, children were reared in communities. This idea that we should be around our children 24/7 and not be worn out by it sometimes is crazy.

I love my kids to pieces but if it was just the 3 of us all weekend long, every weekend, and I had a checked out spouse, I'd be losing my mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I'm a PP in a similar situation to OP. I adore my kids. I love spending time with them. But I literally have no downtime. At all. I'm either on at work, or I'm on as a parent. 100% full throttle from the time I get out of bed until the time I can finally close my eyes at night, 7 days a week. My kids are little, so they're still highly dependent. My DH practically refuses to participate, except for token outings to keep up appearances.

This. I almost could have written the original post. I'm lucky enough to have a very involved DH, but our kids (2 and 4.5) are so high energy, even when we managed to give each other breaks, it's maybe 1 hour tops on weekends and we switch off putting to bed in the evenings. Morning rush to preschool, the slog of busy work with several meetings throughout the week, dinnertime is always a nightmare... and we use educational tv liberally. We try to take our kids out to the playground and the pool, and we're just... so tired. We're beat. We're both depressed and anxious and we adore our kids. But there is almost no time to think for ourselves and no one else.

No one could have predicted this type of full-time working parenting in a pandemic with small children who need to be watched 24/7, let alone it going on 18mo.

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I'm a PP in a similar situation to OP. I adore my kids. I love spending time with them. But I literally have no downtime. At all. I'm either on at work, or I'm on as a parent. 100% full throttle from the time I get out of bed until the time I can finally close my eyes at night, 7 days a week. My kids are little, so they're still highly dependent. My DH practically refuses to participate, except for token outings to keep up appearances.

Anonymous wrote:This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

I think it just depends on stress, personalities involved, etc. It is tiring if you don't get a break even if you adore them.

There are also a fair number of people who have babies because their spouse (or their parents/ILs) want them and they feel like it is expected/demanded of them. They don't actually want them.

It really sounds like the SO is slacking here. I'm sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce you will get a break 50% of the time.

There was an article about female doctors who divorced for exactly this sort of break because their spouses wouldn't step up.

This all makes me sad. No one on here sounds like they enjoy their kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you at least let one kid watch TV while you give the other kid some 1:1 attention? Less guilt that way and it may help with behavior and attention-seeking. Mr. Rogers episodes are in YouTube as is Sesame Street. The new show Bluey is great. And there is Magic School Bus. So many great, thoughtfully created shows. It's nothing to feel bad about when you're in a tight spot.

5 is right on the cusp of reading and playing Legos independently. A year from now you may be enduring a 3.5 year old, but your older child will be far more self-entertaining. It will get easier soon.

I agree with scheduling “dates” for 1:1 time while you have dh monitor another kid who is occupied with sleep/tv/toddler gym class. I know that makes me feel like a much saner mom and my 4yo raves about our ‘you and me’ time. I’m sorry op I hope your husband recovers.

Agree with getting more help during nights and weekends. It’s unsustainable to do it all on your own. Your DH is supposed to be giving you a break but since he isn’t, you need to hire help. Hopefully once the kids get bigger, he’ll at least handle taking them to sports and bday parties so you can get a break