Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

I have this same issue with my DH and have had the same response. His honest answer was that what I am asking him to do at home isnt important . Point blank. He views work as important and that comes first. Its money and thats his role as a provider.

Weve had plenty of interesting talks about this because 1) youre not the sole contributor to our lifestyle or bank account 2) he makes 1.5x what I do but when we average out costs for student loans, higher insurance for men, medical costs, etc. its only 1.2x my salary comparatively. 3) I am primary on household management and child-related stuff 4) my job has way more flexibility and allows us to minimize using leave and/or during COVID we were actually able to keep both of our jobs

He grew up seeing his father do X/Y/Z but that warped his sense of responsibility in a household because he thinks only in terms of X/Y/Z. Division of responsibilities works great when there is one working spouse and one non-working spouse because the areas of responsibility are clear. Unless you can outsource cleaning/cooking/childcare because you both make a crap ton of money, division doesnt really work because SOMEONE is having to manage.

Putting on a pull up is undermining potty training.

How old is your child? Lots of this sounds like it's time to teach her to take initiative and do herself. Or she'll end up like your husband, an adult that can't adult.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

Amen, sister.

And this is partly why, IMO, birth rates are declining as more and more women go into the worforce.

I'd like to see a man volunteer to get pregnant, birth a child, work FT, and be the default parent. Heck, I'd just like to see more men try to work FT and be the default parent.

I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

I guess that doesn't apply to housechores.

Hmm...it sounds like my husband doing house chores. If I ask him to clean the basement for a party, he will start with wiping down the bathroom (high priority), and an hour later, he will be replacing the broken tile on the bathroom counter and touching up the paint on the cabinets (100% with high quality). Meanwhile, he hasn’t told the kids to pick up their toys, swept the floors, etc.

He also does make a better breakfast if he has to give the kids breakfast. With me, they might have toast, cheese, and fruit. DH will make eggs and sauté vegetables.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

That doesn't work when there are multiple things that all need to get done at the same time. What would they do if they didn't have wives/partners to pick up their slack? Just not feed the kids dinner or put them to bed because they're on a work deadline and need to focus 100% on that?

Agreed. Also, this doesn't work in like 90% of jobs either. Some people are subject matter experts or work as lawyers or surgeons and can actually just focus on single tasks for long periods of time (and executing that task at a high level is very important). But most jobs require a lot more multitasking and executive functioning, especially as more workplaces move towards having fewer secretaries and admins. The idea that there are enough specialized roles in the world to accommodate all men is ridiculous. Being able to handle multiple things at once and manage the administrative aspects is actually a pretty generally applicable skill in the workplace.

(A lot of the men who claim not to be able to do this are able to do it in the workplace, as many PPs have pointed out. It's just that it's still socially acceptable for people to assume men are incapable of this kind of organization and prioritization at home so they get let off the hook.)

This.

Anonymous wrote:I've never met a man who is good at this. They seem to completely lack executive function in this regard, even if they are professionally successful. Obviously some of it is learned helplessness because they know someone else will pick up their slack, but I find them fairly disorganized as a group in general. My husband is also bad at grocery shopping, e.g., because he can't mentally plan ahead more than a couple of days. He also loses his sunglasses frequently. Meanwhile at work he manages multiple workstreams, dozens of junior employees, and multiple clients with no trouble.

It's because they don't really care that much about the dometic stuff because they know they have wives who will do it. They can't slack off that much at work because they dont have anyone who will pick up the slack.

It's about priorities. Men don't put a high priority on domestic issues and childcare. They still largely see that as women's jobs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

That doesn't work when there are multiple things that all need to get done at the same time. What would they do if they didn't have wives/partners to pick up their slack? Just not feed the kids dinner or put them to bed because they're on a work deadline and need to focus 100% on that?

Agreed. Also, this doesn't work in like 90% of jobs either. Some people are subject matter experts or work as lawyers or surgeons and can actually just focus on single tasks for long periods of time (and executing that task at a high level is very important). But most jobs require a lot more multitasking and executive functioning, especially as more workplaces move towards having fewer secretaries and admins. The idea that there are enough specialized roles in the world to accommodate all men is ridiculous. Being able to handle multiple things at once and manage the administrative aspects is actually a pretty generally applicable skill in the workplace.

(A lot of the men who claim not to be able to do this are able to do it in the workplace, as many PPs have pointed out. It's just that it's still socially acceptable for people to assume men are incapable of this kind of organization and prioritization at home so they get let off the hook.)

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

That doesn't work when there are multiple things that all need to get done at the same time. What would they do if they didn't have wives/partners to pick up their slack? Just not feed the kids dinner or put them to bed because they're on a work deadline and need to focus 100% on that?

Anonymous wrote:Read The Second Shift and you’ll realize that we’re all having the same experience. Change happens slowly and not fast enough. It’s called the stalled revolution.

I talk about it as a societal issue with my DH and he’s more responsive as it feels less like personal criticism. And I play to his strengths (playing with kids), have my children help with cleaning and compensate myself with frequent take out.

This is really useful advice and perspective. Thanks for having solidarity and providing actionable suggestions without being judgmental. I'm definitely going to read that book!

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

Except this is absolutely untrue in my experience. My DH will NEVER choose the highest priority task unless it is the one he enjoys the most or is easiest. Like if the house is a mess, the kids need dinner, the trash is full, and one child is having a meltdown, he will choose that moment to do laundry. And he 100% does it so that if I ask for help with any of the other much more immediate needs, he can say "Oh, I'm folding this laundry now, sorry!"

Also, in most houses, there is simply no point to doing a childcare or household task *perfectly* as opposed to good enough. The kitchen doesn't have to be spotless, but the dishes need to go in the dishwasher. The kids don't need to be dressed in perfectly coordinated outfits, but they need to be sufficiently dressed to leave the house. Having a partner who is like "I will do one thing absolutely perfectly in the time you do 8 things in a somewhat half-assed fashion" is actually a huge problem. It means he does not know how to prioritize and also has perfectionism and process problems. If you want to make doing dishes in some elaborate way that gets them 10% cleaner than the fast way, do it on your own time. It's not an excuse for not helping with the other 40 things that need to be done. You don't get to be a subject matter expert in a family -- everyone has to be something of a generalist because there are simply too many different tasks to be completed.

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Lol same at my house

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

Are you saying men prioritize better and do things more thoroughly and to a higher quality than women? That is asinine. It's also really not happening in the OP's situation. Or do you think her DH must do such an amazing job at serving their child breakfast that it makes up for the setbacks he is causing with potty training and the other needs he is ignoring?

I've never met a man who is good at this. They seem to completely lack executive function in this regard, even if they are professionally successful. Obviously some of it is learned helplessness because they know someone else will pick up their slack, but I find them fairly disorganized as a group in general. My husband is also bad at grocery shopping, e.g., because he can't mentally plan ahead more than a couple of days. He also loses his sunglasses frequently. Meanwhile at work he manages multiple workstreams, dozens of junior employees, and multiple clients with no trouble.

He’s doing you a favor in his mind. So you’ll get what you get. I’m sure he doesn’t act this way at work.