DCUM Forum

Anonymous

07/13/2021 23:19 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

[quote=Anonymous]Spouse had been sober (as far as I know) until recently. Things point to use and lying while I was away with my ES age kids for a week. I’m done with this BS but worried about how to get full custody. Otherwise I feel I have to stay to protect my children. They hide it and it would be hard for me to have proof. I got some Lyft history off the phone (yeah I checked) which looks like someone else was at our house from 4-7AM (also points to cheating and manic use).

I need full custody to get out of this. Please help me with any info on this. [/quote]

Full custody is out of the question. If you can’t bare the thought of shared custody, stay put until they are at least teens and can advocate for themselves. For now, carve out a busy life with your kids outside of home to minimize engagement with him. Sign them up for tons of activities, play dates, sleep overs. When they are old enough, sign them up for sleep away summer camps.

Document as much as you can. Do not mention divorce, ever, as it will place him on alert.

I’m in the same boat and got these very same tips from someone else in this group.

I know deep in my heart the pain and anguish you are feeling. You are not alone. Try to focus on the good you are able to provide to your kids until it’s time to leave him.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous

07/11/2021 13:10 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous

07/10/2021 22:29 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don’t fight for full custody. If you do, it will get bad.
Ask for primary physical custody due to school (or whatever). Typically dads are ok with that.
Like most non-custodial dads, it will be 2 weekends a month and usually 50/50 summer. Typically they cancel and it goes to a weekend every other month.

Any educated or loving dad doesn't take this anymore and that's why the situation is changing.

You’re right. Fathers who ask for 50/50 custody will get it absent documented serious physical or sexual abuse against the child. (Not a threat of abuse, not abuse against the Mom, not irresponsibility or negligence - documented serious physical or sexual abuse directly against the child)

But, IME, educated and loving Dads who know they have a personal problem that prevents them from being a good custodian wi sometimes willingly give up physical custody as long as they have reasonable visitation.

My ex had a mental illness that also caused him to abuse alcohol and prescription drugs and engage in questionable behavior. I never thought he would hit or sexually abuse the kids but he was not capable if primary custody. We split when the kids were little and although I offered him 50/50, he never took it. I allowed him to come eat with the kids at our house a couple times a week and he would come get them on Sundays for varying lengths of time but always bring them home to sleep at my house.

He came pretty regularly, but when he wasn’t feeling great he would make excuses about not feeling well or having a work obligation, etc. and leave or cancel.

The key was I never made him feel like a bad dad or pressured him for more.

The downside for me was that it had a tremendous negative impact on my career and personal life to always be available and flexible like that.

For the kids, they grew to know him and love him and have happy memories but also were disappointed when he wouldn’t keep promises about time together. As they got older, they recognized when he was unsafe or negligent and learned to advocate for themselves. They have a good relationship with him.

Maybe your DH would be the same? They seem to know what they are capable of and not, and as long as they are not being cast as a bad dad for not having custody, they are fine with visitation.

as a child of a divorce where my parents tried to pit us against each other, and now the ex of an alcoholic who loves his kids but doesnt function all that well, I just want to say, major props to you for the bolded. I know this took a huge toll on you but you are their rock - they have their dad and their mom made it possible. well done. I aspire to the same.

Anonymous

07/10/2021 17:43 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Spouse had been sober (as far as I know) until recently. Things point to use and lying while I was away with my ES age kids for a week. I’m done with this BS but worried about how to get full custody. Otherwise I feel I have to stay to protect my children. They hide it and it would be hard for me to have proof. I got some Lyft history off the phone (yeah I checked) which looks like someone else was at our house from 4-7AM (also points to cheating and manic use).

I need full custody to get out of this. Please help me with any info on this. [/quote]

Depending on your state it can be almost impossible. Mine attacked my kid in order to vicariously hurt me, permanently scarred his face and was arrested and charged with aggravated assault of a minor, of which he was guilty. He got it expunged as a first offense and was offered 50/50 (that he didn’t take).d[/quote]

:shock:

Anonymous

07/10/2021 17:38 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don’t fight for full custody. If you do, it will get bad.
Ask for primary physical custody due to school (or whatever). Typically dads are ok with that.
Like most non-custodial dads, it will be 2 weekends a month and usually 50/50 summer. Typically they cancel and it goes to a weekend every other month.

Any educated or loving dad doesn't take this anymore and that's why the situation is changing.

You’re right. Fathers who ask for 50/50 custody will get it absent documented serious physical or sexual abuse against the child. (Not a threat of abuse, not abuse against the Mom, not irresponsibility or negligence - documented serious physical or sexual abuse directly against the child)

But, IME, educated and loving Dads who know they have a personal problem that prevents them from being a good custodian wi sometimes willingly give up physical custody as long as they have reasonable visitation.

My ex had a mental illness that also caused him to abuse alcohol and prescription drugs and engage in questionable behavior. I never thought he would hit or sexually abuse the kids but he was not capable if primary custody. We split when the kids were little and although I offered him 50/50, he never took it. I allowed him to come eat with the kids at our house a couple times a week and he would come get them on Sundays for varying lengths of time but always bring them home to sleep at my house.

He came pretty regularly, but when he wasn’t feeling great he would make excuses about not feeling well or having a work obligation, etc. and leave or cancel.

The key was I never made him feel like a bad dad or pressured him for more.

The downside for me was that it had a tremendous negative impact on my career and personal life to always be available and flexible like that.

For the kids, they grew to know him and love him and have happy memories but also were disappointed when he wouldn’t keep promises about time together. As they got older, they recognized when he was unsafe or negligent and learned to advocate for themselves. They have a good relationship with him.

Maybe your DH would be the same? They seem to know what they are capable of and not, and as long as they are not being cast as a bad dad for not having custody, they are fine with visitation.

Anonymous

07/09/2021 12:31 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:The good news is he probably won’t even take all the days he’s awarded. But you’re not even close to building a case for full custody.

Report to the police next time you and kids are out of house. Then file while he is in jail or whatever. Just bring his world down all at once. He’ll give up.

Anonymous

07/08/2021 17:05 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There i nothing in your story that allows you to have full custody. concentrate on sharing the children and don't upset your soon to be ex. This playing parents against each other is how somebody gets hurt or killed.
Don't tell me it's hard to share. I did it with a drug user and seller. Nobody was interested in looking into my claims. The child is 14 and neither of us care whose house he is in and where. He prefers his aunt and uncle's house.

You don't care where your 14 year old is? Did you both just wash your hands of them?

This poster keeps posting their situation. They sound like both truly terrible parents and don't actually parent or provide for their child's care in any way. There is probably good reason the child chooses relatives instead.

Yes! Every time I hear from this poster, I'm like WTF? Because the poster always posts her details as if they are a success story to be emulated and it all sounds extraordinarily sad to me.

Anonymous

07/08/2021 16:56 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Full custody is basically the court taking your child away, for the parent who lost custody. It takes a lot for a court to take your kid away.

Anonymous

07/08/2021 15:23 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Yes, but there is another kind of trauma and stress on them. You probably feel like a winner but they lost big.

I don't recommend to do this unless there is significant amount of abuse. Most of the time I see parents doing it for ego and their kids are the trophies. - a lawyer

Anonymous

07/08/2021 11:07 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a guy who spent $30,000 fighting his wife because he wanted full custody so the kids wouldn't have to go back and forth between houses every week. They lived in the same school district so that's what she wanted. He lost.

Lol! $30K is nothing for a trial. He mush have hired a cheap attorney. Usually it is 2-3x the retainer and in this area retainers run at about $10-15K easy.

This. My whole divorce cost about $40K and there wasn’t even a custody trial.

PP said nothing about a trial. I have spent almost 100K without a trial but my kids are safe.

Anonymous

07/08/2021 04:18 Subject: Re:What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

That is horrific but I am not surprised. Courts have gone completely batsh*t with the fathers rights these days.

Wrong. Men have historically been discriminated against when it comes to child custody. It is systemic sexism.

Anonymous

07/08/2021 03:36 Subject: What evidence do you need to get full custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There i nothing in your story that allows you to have full custody. concentrate on sharing the children and don't upset your soon to be ex. This playing parents against each other is how somebody gets hurt or killed.
Don't tell me it's hard to share. I did it with a drug user and seller. Nobody was interested in looking into my claims. The child is 14 and neither of us care whose house he is in and where. He prefers his aunt and uncle's house.

You don't care where your 14 year old is? Did you both just wash your hands of them?

This poster keeps posting their situation. They sound like both truly terrible parents and don't actually parent or provide for their child's care in any way. There is probably good reason the child chooses relatives instead.