Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

You don’t get it. It’s not your lived experience and that’s fine. But we all take care of each other. I am sensitive to my friend that lost her mother, sensitive to the friend that had her husband walk out on her. It doesn’t change my life, but it changes the way I interact with someone in specific contexts. You can learn and grow from traumatic life changing events like infertility or death, or you can think selfishly about how a situation impacts you. I choose to practice empathy and surround myself with a community of friends that does to. It doesn’t take away from your life, it adds to it. If you don’t understand, that’s fine, but OP and her friends’ life is richer for living in a way that puts other people’s needs first sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would be much harder if your friend was experiencing primary infertility but she does have a child. My SIL had 2 babies in 2 years immediately after marrying my brother while I had been struggling for 5 years to have my first. That was hard in the beginning even though they were super considerate.
Take the other posters’ advice to break the news gently via text so she can react in her own way in private before you meet up again.

This is flat out wrong. Secondary infertility is different, but not easier. Knowing exactly what you’re missing makes the pain more tangible. Don’t play the pain olympics, we’re better than that.

I struggled with infertility and from a BFF, I’d prefer to learn of the news in person and right away. Don’t assume I can’t handle it and support you.

OP, it would be much harder if your friend was experiencing primary infertility but she does have a child. My SIL had 2 babies in 2 years immediately after marrying my brother while I had been struggling for 5 years to have my first. That was hard in the beginning even though they were super considerate.
Take the other posters’ advice to break the news gently via text so she can react in her own way in private before you meet up again.

I get wanting to tell her in person since she is your best friend but I would text it. Keep it short ‘I wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant! Due date is xxx’.

Anonymous wrote:One and done due to secondary infertility.

My DD's BFF has a younger sibling, and they're still sisters by choice. They call themselves sisters. As beloved as the sibling is, she is on the outside circle of that friendship.

A baby doesn't have to end that kind of friendship if the parents remain willing to foster it.

Totally agree. A same aged life long friend is valuable, but it takes work on the part of the parents. I have a 6 year age gap with my sister and would have really valued a friend like that.

One and done due to secondary infertility.

My DD's BFF has a younger sibling, and they're still sisters by choice. They call themselves sisters. As beloved as the sibling is, she is on the outside circle of that friendship.

A baby doesn't have to end that kind of friendship if the parents remain willing to foster it.

Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just please don't say anything about how it "just happened" or how you "weren't even trying." As someone struggling with infertility, I am happy for my friends who are pregnant, but when they say stuff like that to someone who is definitely trying and failing, it's obnoxious. Tell her via text and then give her space.

How is telling someone that it was a surprise is obnoxious? If OP is best pals with this woman, wouldn't it be ruder if the situation was reversed and OP and her husband were trying (in a way to soften the blow if/when she gets pregnant again) and didn't tell her that they were trying? I feel like being honest with a best friend should be OK.

It doesn't sound like you have experienced infertility, so you wouldn't understand.
It's obnoxious because people with infertility and/or loss who have gone through years of trying and IVF treatments don't need to hear how easy it is for other people - it's insensitive, especially if it's a best friend. Yes, we realize other people get pregnant, and we realize it is easy for lots of people or even accidental, but we can put 2 and 2 together and don't need to hear the details. You can tell them about the pregnancy and everyone will be happy, just don't tell them details of how easy it is for you to get pregnant.

My best friend would be just as upset to think that I was hiding something from her if I just tell her that I'm pregnant one day - without letting her know that we're hoping it happens for me again and that we're in the process of trying.

Yes, but that's not the situation OP is talking about, and that's not the situation I was talking about either... all I am saying is don't tell someone with infertility that it is or was easy for you to get pregnant, or that you got pregnant unintentionally.

I agree with the poster who observed that you can be happy for someone else and sad for yourself at the same time. Just tell her at the appropriate time - like after the third month or whatever - and she will and will have to get over it.

Anonymous wrote:You say NOTHING, You write/text: I'm pregnant!

[/b]FIFY[b]

I was you. I just told my two closest friends a few weeks ago that I am pregnant. We all have 6yo boys. I texted them (separately), they said congrats, then a few days later I asked if they were interested in making plans and they both said yes! We had a great time and I did not bring up the pregnancy unless they asked a question. And we actually made plans to do some daytrips over Labor Day weekend. After the baby is born I fully intend to have get-togethers with DS and the other boys, potentially without the baby involved. It’s important to me to maintain these relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you - yes I am incredibly sensitive to how this will impact my friend, and I've seen firsthand the heartache that infertility can cause. I was by her side through it all, helping to administer shots, being there when her husband couldn't, and being support for her when it caused challenges in her marriage. I know how devastating infertility is even though it hasn't happened directly to me. I've also seen my friend break down with pregnancy announcements, walking by baby stores in the mall, and the like. That being said, I am trying to tread as carefully as I can with what I know will be delicate for her to process. She knows we weren't trying because as my best friend she would know if we were. The fact that I've held in in for 8 weeks has been awful, but we saw the heartbeat and I feel like it's time to tell her. Essentially was looking for any one from her side that could point me in the right direction with how to approach it.

Tell her. In person in a situation that she can "escape" from (like a walk) if that's what feels right to you. Tell her important updates when relevant, but don't offer a ton of extra information about feeling like crap or picking out registry items UNLESS she expresses interest in it first. Check in with her often about how she's feeling and, yes, acknowledge the continued unfairness of the situation for her. Continue to include her son in the big and little things like you do now, and be SOOO sensitive to all of the "big brother" stuff that is going to come up. That means pictures of your son kissing your belly, snuggling a newborn, etc. The hurt doesn't go away once the baby is born, but as much as you can make it something that her son is gaining too, the better. If this is a circumstantial friendship that fades anyways, then sure, maybe it was going to happen regardless. But if this is a best friend that you maintain across moves and life events, then treat it as such and continue to put in the work to maintain that friendship. Heck, maybe she'll get surprise pregnant eventually too and won't miscarry like I did (don't tell her that though!). You never know and those 8 year age gaps happen sometimes.

Don’t underestimate your friend. That would be worse. It’s possible to be happy for someone else while sad for yourself. Acknowledge mixed feelings in telling her knowing what she’s been through. You are kind to be so considerate.