What exactly does she say/do?

I have a family member who frequently makes rude, sarcastic comments. Here’s an example of an interaction we might have:
Me: thanks for coming!
Family member: like I had a choice in the matter
Me: smile and walk away

Family member, looking at food I’ve set out: is this all the food? For 10 people? I guess we’ll be going out to eat after we leave your house. At MY house I always make sure there’s plenty of food to feed the guests.
Me: smile and walk away

I just cringe and bite my tongue through most of our interactions and vent about it later to my spouse. And dread each interaction. But I refuse to engage. Calling the family member on their rudeness changes nothing and just makes things worse as then family member gets defensive and more aggressive and mean in their remarks. This is life w a narcissistic family member.

How often do you have to see this girl? If it’s more than a few times a year, work on that. And, don’t ever invite to your home.

I’d lightly comment on it, every time.

“Really, again, Julie?”
[Sign]
“OK, Julie.”
“Uh huh.”

All delivered with a blank stare.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is frequently rude and inappropriate with me. I am honestly flummoxed as I don't understand what have I done to encourage her scorn and be a target of meanness. I stay away from her, say a polite hello and then ignore her and avoid her for most of the family gatherings. The thing is...I actually don't know HOW to respond to targeted mean girl comments and jibes.

I am worried that if I do respond in my defense she will get angry and throw a fit and play victim. So I have always ignored it.

What is a mature polite way to deal with this?

Can you give some examples? That would help with responses.

SIL and I had issues. I ignored her for more than a year. I stopped going to family events at her house. I didn’t return her calls. She got the idea. She has since apologized, and we have moved on. Life is too short for that kind of bullshit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
[b]OP: Fiestaware[/b]
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

Uh no, if OP answers the first questions with "interesting, why do you think that?" or "hmm why would say that?" it changes the conversation OFF OP and her choices and BACK TO SIL. Which is the entire point. You don't engage further than that. If SIL insists you own up to liking Fiestware, you shrug your shoulders and say "its what works for my family" and walk away.

You don't try to bunt her fast balls. You walk away from the plate. That's the whole point.

Exactly.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Excuse me. I just need to go check on little Polly. Can I get anyone anything while I'm up? <walk away>

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: <smile> <walk away>

"thank you for sharing" then smile and walk away.

Opt to view her as a source of amusement. Each time she is out of line smile with a twinkle in your eye and slip away if at all possible.

"Sorry you feel that way," or "that's not a nice thing to say."
And change the topic immediately.

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean SIL. She is the baby of the family and usually gets her way. I am in this for the long game, and I find devious ways to annoy her. Nobody even knows I dislike her.

I do this, too! It can be exhausting but it's also kinda fun in a sick way. I think DH suspects me of doing it but he can't really call me out on it without acknowledging his family's behavior. LOL!

Whenever she makes a nasty comment, say, "I'm so sorry, I didn't hear you, could you repeat that?" Every single time.

I had one of these. We just stopped going to events where she was present. When we did wind up at the same events I would either say a polite hello and ignore her or burst out laughing when she said something rude, and repeat it as though it was a joke

“Oh my gosh did you really just comment on my outfit?? Are you 12??”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
[b]OP: Fiestaware[/b]
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

Uh no, if OP answers the first questions with "interesting, why do you think that?" or "hmm why would say that?" it changes the conversation OFF OP and her choices and BACK TO SIL. Which is the entire point. You don't engage further than that. If SIL insists you own up to liking Fiestware, you shrug your shoulders and say "its what works for my family" and walk away.

You don't try to bunt her fast balls. You walk away from the plate. That's the whole point.

Exactly.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Excuse me. I just need to go check on little Polly. Can I get anyone anything while I'm up? <walk away>

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: <smile> <walk away>

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Fiestaware
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!
OP: You mean only morons are so damn worried about other people’s plates. Look at her then walk your a** away.

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

OP: No, everyone does not know that, but they know you are up here insulting people for know damn reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

Well if you have no support then I think you can excuse yourself from situations with her. I would have no problem staying home and letting him take the kids. He and his parents can deal with her bitterness.

If not, just a simple “ Laura, I know you don’t like me and I just choose not to engage on that level with you. I’m John’s wife and we’re all just going to have to accept that. In the end, your backhanded comments say more about you than they do of me so I won’t engage in pettiness with you.”

Are you for real? Do you really think a jerk is going to engage in this sort of conversation?
Commmmeere on! You are going to get OP to be an even bigger Target.
But I have dealt with family bullies like this and I am much more to the point. They no longer engage me. His family is afraid of that girl and willling to sacrifice OP.
The first thing she needs to do is get to marriage counseling. If my DH refused to defend my being insulted and berated…. He would be in therapy or divorce court… his choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

If he doesn't want to get involved in drama, than you don't either. And you don't spend time with SIL. Set a schedule you can manage with seeing her. Skip any gatherings that exceed the schedule and he goes alone.

Honestly this. If your sil is truly the narcissistic monster manipulating and controlling the entire family you won't win confronting her. She will turn it back on you and make you seem like a monster. Your best bet is to create your own limits of time spent and when you do spend time with them don't try to engage with her . Be boring flat and uninteresting. Ask her about herself let her talk all about herself.