Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Eh, there are totally exercised obsessed people who end up with other exercised obsessed people. Or people with no style who either end up with someone who dresses them or someone who doesn't care about style. This list is just your list.

My personal take is that a big part of it is being flexible and not expecting to find a perfect person. Don't compromise on core values, but I certainly married an engineer with no style. We have a great relationship. I buy his clothes and his lack of style has zero impact on our relationship. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but I'm sure there are things I value that are less important to you. My friends who are still single in their late 30s all have some hang up and are often looking for the lead from a romantic comedy rather than a real person with both strengths and flaws.

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at 50 years of age and having worked three decades in domestic violence advocacy and the family court system on divorces and child custody battles and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care, and just observing the lives of many people fairly close up from family to friends to neighbors etc., I think you have in your mind an inaccuracy about the number of people who are truly lucky in love.

I would posit that *maybe* 10% of marriages/committed long term relationships involve people who are truly lucky in love, have truly healthy vibrant loving relationships with their spouses. The other 90% are some form of misery, whether low grade persistent unhappiness but staying together for the kids to hostility and physical abuse and even ending in murder, as I’m sure you’ve heard the well known (and accurate) statistic that most women who are murdered are murdered by a current or former lover or spouse.

Most of the marriages here at DCUM aren’t truly healthy or born of luck in love; this comes up in all the family related postings all the time. If they aren’t revealing the dysfunction of their marriages through the various complaints over this or that, they’re putting on a full force PR campaign defending their perfect marriage and perfect kids.

Even if you stay single the rest of your life, you’ve a higher chance of having a healthy happy life. That’s an accurate statistic, too. I encourage you to explore the body of research done on single/never married women, their longevity compared to those who enter domestic servitude, and the rates of disease and mental well-being they exhibit compared to their married peers. There’s a reason far more women than men choose to remain single after divorce or being widowed.

I think your experiences at work are skewing your opinion here.