Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I've collected friends at the two high schools I went to, two colleges I went to, grad school, neighbors, where I have volunteered for over a decade, my old job, my current job, etc. I once went to get a manicure the evening before DH and I were going out of town for a wedding and somehow made friends with the lady sitting next to me. We started meeting up at the nail salon once a month, then decided our husbands would like each other so got them together, and now our families are good friends. We host Friendsgiving, we host a holiday party, a summer BBQ, Passover, etc. We accept all invitations that we can. One time I was walking the dog, ran into a neighbor, listened to her talk about going to an event and needing a pashmina, and 10 minutes after I'd gotten home I was at her door holding the three I had for her to choose from. When DH had surgery two months later she dropped off homemade soup and bread for our family.

We're warm and welcoming and make people feel good about themselves.

How do keep up with all of those friendships? We are prior military and I wish I had the bandwidth to maintain all of those old friendships, plus new ones, but I just don’t have the energy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So lot of factors here, many already covered well, but I would like to add: These were scenarios mentioned (surgeries, cancers, etc) are ones people feel good helping out in and even noble for being associated with.

I assure you, if your sister's husband died while driving drunk, or her kid brought a gun to school, while she would absolutely need support, it would not be all this social media tagging-cassserole-flowers-visits stuff.

This, but I would extend it to “messier” problems like going through a divorce, dealing with mental illness (especially depression, people get very scarce with that one), or anything that a person wouldn’t be able to share comfortably on Facebook. There is a lot less public empathy for things that don’t easily translate to a sympathetic photo or post on social media. It can be really isolating.

+1000
You get these outpourings, as you should, when a child has cancer. This is not what happens when your child, for example, is raped.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably a giver. You have to give in order to get.

Do you check up on your friends?

+1

If you want a friend, be a friend.

+2

Anonymous wrote:So lot of factors here, many already covered well, but I would like to add: These were scenarios mentioned (surgeries, cancers, etc) are ones people feel good helping out in and even noble for being associated with.

I assure you, if your sister's husband died while driving drunk, or her kid brought a gun to school, while she would absolutely need support, it would not be all this social media tagging-cassserole-flowers-visits stuff.

This, but I would extend it to “messier” problems like going through a divorce, dealing with mental illness (especially depression, people get very scarce with that one), or anything that a person wouldn’t be able to share comfortably on Facebook. There is a lot less public empathy for things that don’t easily translate to a sympathetic photo or post on social media. It can be really isolating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

I don't belong to any religious organizations and have a big network/support system. It's possible.

Right but I almost feel like it's automatic once you join a church (as long as you socialize somewhat!)

Yes, you do get an automatic network there, which can be great, but guess what -- sometimes that feels empty too or there is more going on than appears. You suspect Jenny is bringing the casserole not because she truly cares about your illness, but for Good Christian points or to outdo the other ladies in Bible study. People are complex.

I think the two biggest factors are:

- Being part of a community that tends to help each other out in this way. Also, importantly, that tends to use social media to help. I was in a community before that was super active on social media, which meant if a person had surgery, everyone knew about it. And then they’d see posts of some friends visiting, and that would make them want to do something too, and it would snowball. Social media really reinforces a culture of helping out.

- Having social capital. And I agree that while theoretically this could come from being very generous and kind, it is as if not more likely to come from being in a position of authority (i.e. being the youth outreach director at church), bring very extroverted and charismatic.

I think this can work in a healthy and mutually beneficial way, but there is also 100% a dark side that PPs have alluded to. What looks like a wonderfully supportive community can actually be gossipy and awful for some on the inside. The one I was part of would bend over backwards to help certain members, but I watched them ignore/abandon others in times if need simply because they were less popular. Everyone wants to be seen visibly checking in on one of the popular people on Facebook; only the actually kindhearted will make the effort to check in on someone without social capital offline.

I also saw how some people with social capital exploit it for this very purpose, and thrive off the constant cycle of attention, concern, and support. And if they are in a position of authority, this power feeds that and they can get dangerous.

In other words, while I know how appealing this looks, it’s not always as great as you think. A lot of the people wishing your sister well may have felt social pressure to do it (not even from your sister, but from others), and there are likely others in her community who are or have suffered their own difficulties without that support, even though they are perfectly wonderful people. Sometimes this stuff is arbitrary. Very occasionally, it’s downright malicious. There are times a miss that sense if community support, but at least now I know my 3-5 friends who check on me when I’m in a bad way are doing it simply because they like me. And they do it privately— it’s not a show. In the end, I’ve come to appreciate that a lot more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

I don't belong to any religious organizations and have a big network/support system. It's possible.

Right but I almost feel like it's automatic once you join a church (as long as you socialize somewhat!)

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

I don't belong to any religious organizations and have a big network/support system. It's possible.

I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

So lot of factors here, many already covered well, but I would like to add: These were scenarios mentioned (surgeries, cancers, etc) are ones people feel good helping out in and even noble for being associated with.

I assure you, if your sister's husband died while driving drunk, or her kid brought a gun to school, while she would absolutely need support, it would not be all this social media tagging-cassserole-flowers-visits stuff.

Anonymous wrote:Many People with large networks tend to be extremely extroverted and need contact and relationships with many people. I have friends who get their energy from constantly interacting with others and they spend most of their free time maintaining their many friendships. I don’t know that most of these friendships are on a deeper level, but all of those people would definitely bring meals.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

+1 Is your sister respected or respectable in some way? I have seen such people get the flowers and meals and cards.

Also, in some communities, once you are a part of it, this is how it goes. So nothing really special about the people in these communities, some groups are just very community-oriented.

+2. I think it is a "both and" situation. Yes, I think the prerequisite is to cultivate relationships and be kind and giving to a broad network, but there is also a important "social capital" factor of being charismatic, funny, likable, and yes, sometimes well-off and successful. In other words, I know quite a few very kind and giving people who don't necessarily get the ticker-tape parade treatment and it's not because they are not truly good and generous; they just don't have that second social capital/ charm factor in the same way.

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a huge network of people who care about her - close friends, work friends, neighbors, etc. she recently underwent surgery and it was literally like the queen had died. Friends inundated her with meals, flowers, calls, social media posts. It was heart-warming but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel bad. I just do not have this kind of support in my life. And I am wondering how one goes about acquiring it? Maybe that is a silly question and if I don't know, I will never know? But I am curious. How do some people have such large "support" bases??

My grandparents are like this. It’s honest to goodness like they are celebrities. People give them money for their birthdays and have even paid for vacations for them. I think some people just have super magnetic personalities and they are also both very kind, have helped so many people over the years and are good to maintaining relationships over time.

I've collected friends at the two high schools I went to, two colleges I went to, grad school, neighbors, where I have volunteered for over a decade, my old job, my current job, etc. I once went to get a manicure the evening before DH and I were going out of town for a wedding and somehow made friends with the lady sitting next to me. We started meeting up at the nail salon once a month, then decided our husbands would like each other so got them together, and now our families are good friends. We host Friendsgiving, we host a holiday party, a summer BBQ, Passover, etc. We accept all invitations that we can. One time I was walking the dog, ran into a neighbor, listened to her talk about going to an event and needing a pashmina, and 10 minutes after I'd gotten home I was at her door holding the three I had for her to choose from. When DH had surgery two months later she dropped off homemade soup and bread for our family.

We're warm and welcoming and make people feel good about themselves.