Anonymous
06/21/2021 16:04
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
It should not be “normal” for grown ups to be so nervous about meeting other grown ups that they have to drink to get through it. I realize that lots of people believe this, but it should not be the case.
It also says a lot about his regular alcohol intake if it requires 4-5 beers to take the edge off at this point.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 16:04
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.
But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.
Relevant things about your boyfriend:
1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family
Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here
If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.
If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.
I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.
Oh I forgot the most important relevant thing about your parents
3) They don't drink at all and clearly think drinking is VERY bad/dangerous and so are more likely to have an outsized reaction to it and be unable to judge 'normal' drinking than other people
Also, based on your follow up above that I just read, did they talk to YOU about your issues in college?
Anonymous
06/21/2021 16:01
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.
But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.
Relevant things about your boyfriend:
1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family
Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here
If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.
If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.
I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.
But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.
Relevant things about your boyfriend:
1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family
Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here
If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.
If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.
I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:55
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
Are you OP? Because you need to examine your own drinking and thinking about drinking if you think this.
OP that was not me!
To be honest, I had a Come to Jesus moment with my own drinking several years back. I went to a party school but unfortunately let that continue on post college. It was affecting my health and my relationships (I also had unresolved mental health issues and was self medicating). Luckily, I was able to significantly cut back and feel happier and healthier today.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:48
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:My MIL mad a comment like this to my DW after we met for dinner at a nice restaurant and I had two cocktails.
So every time we go out with them, I make sure to order a cocktail or two or three, and always have drinks out/available when we host them.
You're the dad who went out for beers with his bros for Father's Day instead of spending time with his children, aren't you?
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:47
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
Are you OP? Because you need to examine your own drinking and thinking about drinking if you think this.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:45
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Is it fixable though? I don’t even know how to confront it.
You can ask him to slow down or stop and see if he does it.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:44
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:4-5 drinks at a dinner IS a lot. Generally, people's alcohol tolerance goes up over time. Now he needs 4-5 drinks to be happy. In five years it might take 8 drinks. He isn't abusive to you NOW. That might change.
I agree with your parents.
That is excesssive. 6-pack at home? It can escalate. See if can put the brakes on it.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:43
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
It does sound like he drinks too much. 4-5 beers in one sitting at a family dinner is NOT normal. My husband has a beer or two every night and would never have 4-5 even at the longest dinner ever, and especially if my parents were around.
A few things missing from your description -- how much and how frequently does he drink? Is 4-5 drinks in one sitting frequent? Is this every day?
Also, how much and how frequently do YOU drink?
A few things missing from your description -- how much and how frequently does he drink? Is 4-5 drinks in one sitting frequent? Is this every day?
Also, how much and how frequently do YOU drink?
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:39
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
And once he gets married, his drinking is likely to double or even triple.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:38
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
It should not be “normal” for grown ups to be so nervous about meeting other grown ups that they have to drink to get through it. I realize that lots of people believe this, but it should not be the case.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:37
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
My MIL mad a comment like this to my DW after we met for dinner at a nice restaurant and I had two cocktails.
So every time we go out with them, I make sure to order a cocktail or two or three, and always have drinks out/available when we host them.
So every time we go out with them, I make sure to order a cocktail or two or three, and always have drinks out/available when we host them.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:35
Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:I do not consider this excessive drinking. 4-5 beers socially at once is not a big deal in my opinion as long as that is not several days a week. My ex would occasionally have 5-8 socially but never drank otherwise. Not even at home. Not an issue. Occasional tipsy-ness is ok.
4-5 beers at dinner when everyone else is sober or not drinking much would be a pink flag for me.
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:27
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.
Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.
This was maybe the third time.
I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'
Anonymous
06/21/2021 15:23
Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.
It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.
If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.
I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.
You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.
DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.
Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.