Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

OP, I think you could benefit from talking to a professional about your guilt and resentment. It's clearly still eating at you after time has passed, and maybe they can help you move on.

+1
I agree with this. OP, you keep doubling down on your relatives. I think you sound difficult. Accept that you and everyone else did what they could, then move on or get professional help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

OP, I think you could benefit from talking to a professional about your guilt and resentment. It's clearly still eating at you after time has passed, and maybe they can help you move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are entitled to live wherever and however you want. However, you are not entitled to place your personal expectations of care on extended family members. This is also not an only child issue. I am an only and DH has several siblings. Some live close to their parents and some do not. While the responsibility may seem heavier on an only, there is often stress and resentment among large families since it is not possible to spread things equally. Unfortunately your dad also made choices that made things difficult for himself when he fired the aides. Everyone’s family dynamic is different but we all have to accept that choices also have consequences. Good ones and bad ones.

NP. I think that's fair. I have a sibling and moved abroad for two years and one of my parents got unexpectedly sick. With COVID-19 travel restrictions (and a general lack of interest in doing nursing), my US based sibling wasn't able to travel easily to help (and he's not really the caregiving type anyway) and I definitely was stuck where I was. I ended up on 3 a.m. calls in my time zone trying to talk to doctors and hospitals. When you move abroad you have to recognize that it's not going to be easy to provide elderly parents (or any other family members) care, but yes, throwing money at the problem can help (if your parent is willing to accept the help). In any case OP, move on. You can decide if you want to have the lack of actions of your extended family doom your future relationship, but you have to accept the fact that not all relatives are going to be that helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Anonymous wrote:You are entitled to live wherever and however you want. However, you are not entitled to place your personal expectations of care on extended family members. This is also not an only child issue. I am an only and DH has several siblings. Some live close to their parents and some do not. While the responsibility may seem heavier on an only, there is often stress and resentment among large families since it is not possible to spread things equally. Unfortunately your dad also made choices that made things difficult for himself when he fired the aides. Everyone’s family dynamic is different but we all have to accept that choices also have consequences. Good ones and bad ones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Yes, you COULD HAVE disrupted your and your DH’s and your children’s lives to do this. You understandably chose not to. You made your choices, which were reasonable. Your extended family made their own choices, which were reasonable. But for some reason you’re mad at them. I think it’s because you’re actually mad at yourself.

Disrupting my and DH's lives was not an option when we had a mortgage to pay. DH didn't want to leave his country. He will never leave his country.

Yes, I was mad at my relatives. They could have gone to check on my Dad. They could have phoned him to see how he was doing. Some relatives said they were 'busy. Coming back from abroad every weekend to look after Dad wasn't sustainable for me.

I guess I am also mad at myself. But when you're 27 and single, you don't think about the distant future. I took my chances and moved abroad. Bright lights big city and all that.