Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7/31. I don't parent my spouse.

But does your spouse parent? My issue would be being home alone with the kids.

This is ridiculous. You can’t be home alone with kids? Many women (including married working women) do most of the parenting home alone with kids.

Of course I can. But if it were 7dpw/31dpm, I would resent being left to parent alone while DH was out socializing.

But then my ex never ever left the house. Ever. Which was highly annoying. I would love to have had the problem of someone wanting to go out with friends (without me).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a month maybe. He usually works nights and weekends and I think it would be totally unfair for him to leave the kids to go out more than that. If we didn’t have kids or he didn’t have an intense job I wouldn’t have a problem with three times a week, assuming we were still going on weekly dates.

I am a woman and think this is too controlling. I am surprised.

Well I wouldn’t be married to somebody who thought it was okay to spend more time with friends than his wife and kids so I’m really not controlling at all.

Once a month seems super controlling to me.

Now I’m curious how many people *are* okay with their spouses spending more time with their friends than with their kids and spouse.

A few times a month or even weekly is not spending more time with friends. I was married for 10 years. He could have been gone every night for all I cared. Even dating….I did not care. I am super independent though. I prefer kids parenting kids alone.

He’s not out often enough without me for me to even take real notice. So, whatever the frequency is I’m fine with it! His priorities are very clear and he is definitely not an ex frat boy who wants to relive his college life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s OK for the spouse to go out to bars without me.

It’s about trust.

At a certain age, going out to bars is just kind of gross. Middle aged spouses at bars without their spouses is really gross.

Gross? Are you a child? Sports bars or breweries are common for men to hangout at.

The pandemic changed our schedules a lot, but prior to that we were each going out one evening a week and getting a few hours to ourselves on the weekend. If he'd wanted to go out more after the kids were in bed that would have been fine with me. I think it's healthy to get out. I wish my husband would do more in the way of hobbies and friends. What drives me crazy is when he's home but checked out. I wish he'd go out more and be more present when he's home.

I have a monthly night out with some friends, it's mainly been backyard wine drinking, but we are continuing because it's more fun than going to a restaurant. Now I'd adding in dinner out with another friend, about once a month.

My husband golfs occasionally, maybe once a month in the warmer weather. He's had much less social time during the pandemic, just because of where his friends live. So I've been encouraging him to go out a bit more now that everyone is vaccinated. So he's probably on a once a month night out schedule too.

Our problem is scheduling a night out for us together! We tend to make family plans and individual plans and then put our nights out as a couple on the back burner because it requires scheduling a sitter. Time to put one in the books since I just typed this out....

I’d be wondering why he’d want to go out without me.. as Grandma used to say, there comes a point at night when the only things that are open are legs and liquor stores. I also wouldn’t want him going out with friends who don’t value our marriage, my kid showed me a meme “I know the Bible is false, nobody over 30 has 12 friends who are free for dinner on a Thursday”. I’d be wondering why I wasn’t welcome to join or why he wouldn’t prefer to be home with me.. nobody forces anybody to get or stay married.

I also don’t believe in “doing your fair share” or “doing half the kid duties” some of you guys would say “Well, I bathed the top half of the kid, you get the bottom half” or “I drove my half of the way, slam on the breaks, jump out of the car while you’re on the highway and say “your turn!”. Nobody wants to be taken advantage of but some of you guys have a sense of fairness that borders on the absurd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a month maybe. He usually works nights and weekends and I think it would be totally unfair for him to leave the kids to go out more than that. If we didn’t have kids or he didn’t have an intense job I wouldn’t have a problem with three times a week, assuming we were still going on weekly dates.

I am a woman and think this is too controlling. I am surprised.

Well I wouldn’t be married to somebody who thought it was okay to spend more time with friends than his wife and kids so I’m really not controlling at all.

Once a month seems super controlling to me.

Now I’m curious how many people *are* okay with their spouses spending more time with their friends than with their kids and spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a month maybe. He usually works nights and weekends and I think it would be totally unfair for him to leave the kids to go out more than that. If we didn’t have kids or he didn’t have an intense job I wouldn’t have a problem with three times a week, assuming we were still going on weekly dates.

I am a woman and think this is too controlling. I am surprised.

Well I wouldn’t be married to somebody who thought it was okay to spend more time with friends than his wife and kids so I’m really not controlling at all.

Once a month seems super controlling to me.

This is so funny. It just doesn’t seem controlling to be because it has literally never been an issue. My husband has always wanted to spend more time with his family than his friends. And I think this is part of the reason that our teenage daughter goes to him when she has problems and isn’t embarrassed to say I love you to him in front of her friends. He spends one-on-one time with both our kids each weekend. And I have never had one complaint about how much housework he does or how much time he spends with me (we try for dates once a week but it’s usually more like twice a month, and I’m pretty happy with that). I know he isn’t going to be one of those big law attorneys who winds up divorced and distant from his kids because he bills 2500 a year and forgot to be present with his family.

He does spend a lot of time working out, training for triathlons and stuff, so maybe if he didn’t do that I would also be okay with his spending more time with friends? It’s actually kind of hard to say because he had never wanted to spend a significant time with friends so this is all a hypothetical.

Guy here - I have no interest in poker night or anything like that. A few nights a year my friends and I will go to a sports bar to watch some big game because watching it at home alone is no fun. But given the evening is the only time I have with my children I’m not going to give that up on a regular basis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7/31. I don't parent my spouse.

But does your spouse parent? My issue would be being home alone with the kids.

OP here. I should have clarified that this is the gist of my question. How often are you cool solo parenting for your spouse’s solo social activities.

DP. As long as we coordinate, as much as he wants (or as much as I want). I think it’s a bit weird that people split their parenting time, like you have Saturday morning, I have Saturday afternoon, whatever. Our baseline is that we parent together every night and weekend. If someone wants to go out or go to the gym or whatever, it’s not a big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7/31. I don't parent my spouse.

But does your spouse parent? My issue would be being home alone with the kids.

OP here. I should have clarified that this is the gist of my question. How often are you cool solo parenting for your spouse’s solo social activities.

My DH rarely goes out alone. During the week he puts in long hours and just wants to get home. He does travel quite often on business so he had plenty of nights out. I rarely do a girls night out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a month maybe. He usually works nights and weekends and I think it would be totally unfair for him to leave the kids to go out more than that. If we didn’t have kids or he didn’t have an intense job I wouldn’t have a problem with three times a week, assuming we were still going on weekly dates.

I am a woman and think this is too controlling. I am surprised.

Well I wouldn’t be married to somebody who thought it was okay to spend more time with friends than his wife and kids so I’m really not controlling at all.

Once a month seems super controlling to me.