Anonymous wrote:For my DH, withdrawing is the only way he can be sure he won’t do/say something he regrets. He talks once he calms down internally. It’s a coping strategy.

That isn't necessarily the silent treatment. Does he withdraw but acknowledge he's angry or will come back to the discussion later? Does he then come back? Does it last longer than the "cooling off" period? You can withdraw from an arguement without withdrawing from normal conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about this issue? There is usually a silent treatment post every couple of months. This sounds like a big problem. I would consult an attorney and let your husband know he needs to start therapy.

No, I have not posted on this forum prior. Apparently this is a normal issue among relationships if it is a reoccurring topic. How have those other women handled the situation is my question. Seems divorce is the only solution if DH is unwilling to seek help.

Oh, no no no. I posted about it before, it is NOT a normal occurance, it is NOT acceptable. If DH won't work this out maturely, yes, divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about this issue? There is usually a silent treatment post every couple of months. This sounds like a big problem. I would consult an attorney and let your husband know he needs to start therapy.

No, I have not posted on this forum prior. Apparently this is a normal issue among relationships if it is a reoccurring topic. How have those other women handled the situation is my question. Seems divorce is the only solution if DH is unwilling to seek help.

How often does he pull this? Do you have kids?

One child, the frequency is every few months since Covid started. Any tips on how to get my DH to communicate? or stop this behavior?

I grew up with a mother who gave the silent treatment and then had a very good friend go through this as an adult with her spouse. You know what works - stop caring. The person is trying to control you. If you don't allow them to control you and you, from a genuine place, do not give a shit about what they are doing, they have lost all control. Go about your life and disconnect from the person.

The dangerous part about this is...you stop caring about the other person. So your spouse will need to figure it out I guess and you see where it goes. In the case of my mother, I have a poor relationship with her as an adult and I just don't give her a lot of thought and she carries very little emotional weight for me. My friend and her spouse, he clued in that what he was doing was not working anymore and stopped doing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about this issue? There is usually a silent treatment post every couple of months. This sounds like a big problem. I would consult an attorney and let your husband know he needs to start therapy.

No, I have not posted on this forum prior. Apparently this is a normal issue among relationships if it is a reoccurring topic. How have those other women handled the situation is my question. Seems divorce is the only solution if DH is unwilling to seek help.

How often does he pull this? Do you have kids?

One child, the frequency is every few months since Covid started. Any tips on how to get my DH to communicate? or stop this behavior?

PP, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Please visit loveisrespect.org and evaluate your relationship. I’m a bit concerned that you said you can’t leave the house without him getting upset. I agree with PPs who say that it is such a toxic way of dealing with conflict that it may be an issue that you ultimately divorce over, but I also agree with PPs who say threatening divorce isn’t healthy.

A first step is to go to individual therapy yourself. You need help setting and enforcing boundaries in a healthy way. Examine your own communication style in conflict. Put in to practice healthy communication techniques for yourself - reflective listening, using I statements instead of you statements, collaborative problem solving, etc.

We can’t control what others do - only what we do. You can try to change your communication style and see if that has a ripple effect on him. You can learn to set boundaries about the silent treatment. “I understand that their may be times that you are angry about an issue, but I feel like I am being punished when you give me the silent treatment. Can we agree to find a solution where you have some time to yourself after an argument, (or we agree not to discuss an issue for a certain period of time or other ideas), but it’s not the silent treatment.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. It’s a form of abuse and controlling your partner.

Let me add, my ex did this anywhere from 6-10 days at a time.

My Mother did this to me often growing up.

She would get angry at me for something, then not speak to me for literally days.
If I spoke directly to her or asked a question - I was totally ignored 😟.

After several days of feeling like the most unimportant, invisible person in the universe my Mother would somehow decide it was okay to speak to me & things would return to normal.
Until the next time of course.

This was emotional abuse at its finest + I would not tolerate it from a spouse.

https://dovidfeldman.medium.com/how-to-respond-to-stonewalling-5aae80ab74ad

https://www.developgoodhabits.com/stonewalling/

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Wtf... get out

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine pulled this for a week earlier this year and I let him know next time he does it I’ll be talking to a lawyer about a separation. It’s not a negotiating tactic, i will absolutely do it and won’t waste a second on feeling bad or trying to drag him to therapy. I refuse to live the next 40 years of my life this way and I don’t care what kind of financial price I have to pay to escape it.

If I was your husband, I'll sign the paper in a heart beat...relationship doesn't move at your pace so you throw a tantrum back at him? I see a dim future for your marriage.

My thoughts exactly. Divorce threats are classic emotional abuse. Way worse than not talking to someone to calm down. Disgusting behavior. I would call the bluff too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine pulled this for a week earlier this year and I let him know next time he does it I’ll be talking to a lawyer about a separation. It’s not a negotiating tactic, i will absolutely do it and won’t waste a second on feeling bad or trying to drag him to therapy. I refuse to live the next 40 years of my life this way and I don’t care what kind of financial price I have to pay to escape it.

If I was your husband, I'll sign the paper in a heart beat...relationship doesn't move at your pace so you throw a tantrum back at him? I see a dim future for your marriage.

So what’s your suggestion for PP and for OP? Just sit and take it? Make him a cake? Share your wisdom about to deal with this emotionally immature response.

Almost 90 minutes later and no response from PP.

Op, there taking time to calm down and there's silent treatment as passive aggressive and punitive. Sounds like the latter and is incredibly unhealthy.

I have no tips, just want to say this is not okay and would be, for me, serious enough to consider divorce if spouse refused to engage with the issue
.in the meantime, get your own therapist to counsel you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine pulled this for a week earlier this year and I let him know next time he does it I’ll be talking to a lawyer about a separation. It’s not a negotiating tactic, i will absolutely do it and won’t waste a second on feeling bad or trying to drag him to therapy. I refuse to live the next 40 years of my life this way and I don’t care what kind of financial price I have to pay to escape it.

If I was your husband, I'll sign the paper in a heart beat...relationship doesn't move at your pace so you throw a tantrum back at him? I see a dim future for your marriage.

Bye honey! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Sounds like a big time asshole.

Mine did that and also locked the door from inside with the chain.Later claimed that it was for the child's safety. I went and rented an apartment for myself after few days of it. He doesn't know.
He asked me to come back when I told him to explain the child why I moved out. I came back, but things are still pretty bad- whines, silent treatment, doesn't include me in anything, I'm not allowed to go anywhere, but store without him whining.
I go by to check on the apartment during store trips, and even though I should have two months rent free, there was a note on the door how I owed $3k suddenly. Barely had a second to run to their office and ofcourse it was a mistake. Feels like I made more trouble for myself, but I'm still waiting to make the move (not married, but we do have a child who will stay in the house with dad). So tired of the crap.
I might have some health problems because of this relationship. Never thought that mental stuff can affect me physically. I have a doctor's zoom appointment next week. I feel like the doctor is going to ask about it now that I cannot hide it anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine pulled this for a week earlier this year and I let him know next time he does it I’ll be talking to a lawyer about a separation. It’s not a negotiating tactic, i will absolutely do it and won’t waste a second on feeling bad or trying to drag him to therapy. I refuse to live the next 40 years of my life this way and I don’t care what kind of financial price I have to pay to escape it.

If I was your husband, I'll sign the paper in a heart beat...relationship doesn't move at your pace so you throw a tantrum back at him? I see a dim future for your marriage.

So what’s your suggestion for PP and for OP? Just sit and take it? Make him a cake? Share your wisdom about to deal with this emotionally immature response.