Anonymous wrote:None of that seems like a big deal or worth having fights over. Cant you just hang up the towels yourself if it bothers you? Takes 5 seconds.

It doesn’t bother him so why should he do it? That’s how he thinks and it is hard to argue with that.

This is disgusting. I’m not his mother and I don’t my bed smelling like moldy towels. OP has plenty of examples that she needs to let go, but expectations of basic hygiene is not it.

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think. Your spouse is saying something to you. Listen to him. "You make me feel like I can't live in my own house" is actually a decent conversation starter to deal with what sounds like a pretty painful dynamic. He could have said a lot of other things OP.

This conversation would end with my saying “okay, get out. Have your own house where you slob around and cause environmental decline. This house is mine, since you don’t respect it.”

I'm sure the list is actually much longer. Mine pees like a girl, but flushes before he pees, and the leaves his pee in there. Any guesses why?

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, you can pick one maybe two of these complaints to insist on, the rest you need to let go. I feel for your spouse.

LOL. You feel for the spouse? Hanging up wet towels and throwing away used dental floss is oppresive? Is flushing the toilet full of my huge bowel movemnet too much of a chore for me to handle? My DH should do that for me?

Thank God I'm not married to someone like you.

Here's what I think. Your spouse is saying something to you. Listen to him. "You make me feel like I can't live in my own house" is actually a decent conversation starter to deal with what sounds like a pretty painful dynamic. He could have said a lot of other things OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of that seems like a big deal or worth having fights over. Cant you just hang up the towels yourself if it bothers you? Takes 5 seconds.

It doesn’t bother him so why should he do it? That’s how he thinks and it is hard to argue with that.

Devil's advocate: If DH knows it bothers OP, why shouldn't he do some (not all) of the things OP listed?

Agree you do have to pick your battles, OP.

We have a neighbor who totally beats down her husband - he pulls in big money, while she stays home and spends it, and looks for things to complain about. Man has aged 40 years in the four he has lived here, in his new, big beautiful house that he can't enjoy.

Because if a person feels beat down and doesn't really like their spouse very well, they're not super motivated do bother to do anything. That's basic human nature.

Every couple has this stuff. It's how you handle it.

My spouse leaves all the lights on. I do go around and turn lights off. Not obsessively. But I do it. And he and I will joke about it at times. I don't make a big deal out of it.

If I'm doing something that really bothers him or vice versa, he will ask me with all sincerity to stop and I will try to fix it. This usually works. You know why? There isn't a 17 point list and we have maintained good humor and love between the two of us and neither of us are neurotic freaks. So if he really asks or if I really ask, we do our best to fix it.

You have to have a bank of good will OP and pick your battles, as others have said.

Anonymous wrote:None of that seems like a big deal or worth having fights over. Cant you just hang up the towels yourself if it bothers you? Takes 5 seconds.

It doesn’t bother him so why should he do it? That’s how he thinks and it is hard to argue with that.

Devil's advocate: If DH knows it bothers OP, why shouldn't he do some (not all) of the things OP listed?

Agree you do have to pick your battles, OP.

We have a neighbor who totally beats down her husband - he pulls in big money, while she stays home and spends it, and looks for things to complain about. Man has aged 40 years in the four he has lived here, in his new, big beautiful house that he can't enjoy.

Anonymous wrote:Some people just don’t value cleanliness because of the way they were raised etc and some people really do. If that’s the only issue I would just hire a housekeeper and keep it moving because I doubt they will change if they made it to adulthood and they’re still not clean.

+1


MIL was raised in a smelly house, so thinks nothing of it. My mom was the opposite of MIL - worked full time, fresh home made meals every night, cleaned her own house twice a week, always had fresh sheets, etc. Dad maintained a spotless yard himself, including bountiful garden, with the help of us kids, on Saturdays. As I get older, I realize that most people did not grow up that way.

Honestly, I think DH was tired of living like a slob, and mostly, has consideration for the rest of us in the house. Meanwhile, if you asked MIL to pick up after herself, she would find a way to 1.) make a big deal out of it, like you are asking her to move mountains and 2.) actually do the offending thing more and more, just the way she is - inconsiderate, selfish and well, lazy.

Anything required to regularly maintain a house is considered "extra" in MIL's eyes. Painting or something like that is considered "showing off". Looking nice or having a clean house is somehow a personal affront because it's all about MIL. When I moved in with DH, we had a tiny condo, but we made it our own, and I painted and scrubbed to make it ours. I got nothing for you, OP - just wanted to try to commiserate. I don't really understand not being considerate of the people you live with, or taking pride in a house you bought with your own money. Some people were born inconsiderate a-holes, and they will die that way.

Agreed, you can pick one maybe two of these complaints to insist on, the rest you need to let go. I feel for your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn't be as polite as your dh. I'd let you know that you are a controlling nit picking pain in the a$$.

Ha I’m with you, though it appears to be the unpopular opinion. I imagine it’s possible her husband has just started ignoring her and not caring after years of her following him around the house nagging and criticizing.

Single & Lonely

Married & Miserable


Dont choose misery. Just — let it go. You can’t control everything. Really we aren’t in control of much in life. Surprise him and change your attitude. Marriage is worth that work. Especially with kids.

Anonymous wrote:I agree some of this is irritating but I clicked on the link because I’ve often felt like your husband. My husband is very controlling about things like lights being on—will turn them off when I’ve left the room for a couple of minutes so I have to walk back into a dark room, or gets irritatedwhen I leave the door open for a minute while I’m finding my keys in my purse to lock the door, etc.

My advice would be to really question which of these things really interfere with your own ability to live in your house, and which you might actually be able to change, and then focus just on those but raise them in holistic way and not in a way that feels like you are constantly nitpicking.

This. Some of this you need to let go OP. You are causing your dh to feel like he can't live in his own house.

I grew up in a house like this and felt like I was being controlled nonstop- I am female and my dad was the controlling one. Even as an adult he would go around turning every light off until the time I ran into a wall in the dark face first while I was visiting. Whoops, maybe going behind people and turning off lol the freaking lights in the dark is not a good idea. And now I am fine with leaving every light on in my house as long as either of us want to.

We have led bulbs now people, loosen up.

Pick a couple things: like floss or trash being thrown down and not picked up and ask that those be picked up. Let go of everything else: use led bulbs and put water savers on all the facets he uses. Done.

The dental floss and the towels would be the battles that I would pick. The water pitcher one is also pretty annoying.

None of that seems like a big deal or worth having fights over. Cant you just hang up the towels yourself if it bothers you? Takes 5 seconds.

It doesn’t bother him so why should he do it? That’s how he thinks and it is hard to argue with that.