Hugs to you OP. From your story, I'm realizing how the layout of my apartment was a huge help in this stage for my family. (There was no basement to retreat to and her room was close to mine & the living areas). My DD understood that 24 hour supervision was part of the deal from her therapist - and while she didn't like it, she wasn't resistant to my presence as long as I wasn't fixated on her and appeared to have my own focus. And it's very important not to over respond to every up and down - I know how impossible that sounds - but this is a marathon, not a sprint - and there will be so many of them. You will go from despair to elation at tiny things and it's best if you can keep that under control. I've learned to just take each moment as it comes, not define days/hours as good or bad - and pay close attention to the overall trend. She might protest & be sour if you sit in the basement with her, but probably secretly like it at the same time - you may have to set up your laptop with headphones & work, or read a book, or fold laundry nearby anyway. Have a way to subtly trade off with others if possible. My DH was so obvious about the hand-off, and that always made things so much worse.

DD is being helped by DBT - the skills classes combined with her individual therapy have been incredibly helpful, and medication has provided the necessary lift to help her take it in. It's extremely expensive and takes a lot of time, but we are finding it worth it.

Good luck - hang in there. Find scraps of rest & connection to those who can support you whenever you can - this is going to test you like nothing else. My hair turned completely gray in the last three months. I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this, and sadly you aren't alone (even though you are so very alone).

Anonymous wrote:OP again

She doesn't want closeness or company and says people around make her feel sick and uncomfortable. Honestly I don't think she cares that she is loved and wanted. She said that us missing her wouldn't matter because she would've been dead so it wouldn't matter to her. Like she has gone completely cold just this evening.

I'm sorry. I've been through that a lot too. One of the things I did so that I could monitor and not hover was that I figured out where I could best hear everything that is happening in our family room and then rearranged our furniture so that I could sit upstairs and hear what was going on. There is a balance between monitoring and hovering and you will have to figure that out. I figured that I would hear if my son was doing anything beyond laying on the couch and watching TV or staring into space.

This stage can go on for a long time - for us it was months and we had many periods of it over three and a half years. Honestly, the hospitalizations were such a relief. It is virtually impossible to be present with them all the time, so you have to figure out strategies. Obviously, ours didn't always work because there were a number of attempts. But, most happened in school and there was no way to have supervision there and one really bad event happened in front of the entire family in the kitchen.

OP again

She doesn't want closeness or company and says people around make her feel sick and uncomfortable. Honestly I don't think she cares that she is loved and wanted. She said that us missing her wouldn't matter because she would've been dead so it wouldn't matter to her. Like she has gone completely cold just this evening.

OP here. Thank you so much everyone who is posting suggestions and help. I really appreciate the support and advice while I navigate this.

So I don't like her being in the basement either though it seems a little better than in her room, it is more central somehow. It is newly finished, 9ft ceilings, bright with decent windows and calmly decorated. But she is getting upset if someone needs something down there and just seems more foul. She agreed to come outside tonight then said she won't. She has decided everything besides laying downstairs by herself will make her feel worse.

I feel so upset right now and frustrated with the strong willed parts. And maybe more time helps but giving her alone space is what got us here in the first place. I feel like she wants to live alone and away from us and not be bothered.

It's pretty bad. She is being rude and just cruel to her brother if he comes down to ask me a question while I'm down there. She is up and down and mostly down.

Get a book and sit down there with her. If she asks why you can just say it doesn't feel safe to leave her right now - in a sweet way. Your path forward will be behavior activation - gently but firmly coaxing her to take a walk with you, join you for meal upstairs, watch a tv show with you, meet up with a good friend, etc. The more you can get her moving, the better she will feel. She has lost the privilege of solitude for now, for her own safety.

Also, ask your doc about getting her some sleeping meds - melatonin, etc. Good nights sleep is so important to recovery and then you can have a little time knowing she's safe.

good luck!!

Other ideas: IOP, group therapy and possible residential treatment if things go down hill, which they might. Have that plan B in place if you can. Do your research now.

Go snuggle and watch tv with her. Let yer know how much you love her and she means to you. She need to feel loved and cared for.

Anonymous wrote:BTDT PP here. I have no advice. I agree you should do what it takes to make it difficult for your child to hurt herself. But, I also know if there is a will, there is a way and everything in your house is a weapon - something I learned both professionally and in my own life with my child. I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and don't let your guard down. Trust your instincts and don't feel bad about taking your daughter back to the hospital if you think it's the right thing to do. Go to a different hospital if you think that would be a better alternative.

x1000 Don't let your guard down for a second. If you feel she is going to endanger herself or self-harm then you pick her up, put her in the car and you get her to the hospital as quickly as you can. Trust your instincts. You know your daughter. If you need someone to talk to, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I have mixed feelings about your daughter being alone downstairs (in the basement?). I think you need to check on her regularly. I would be tempted to install a nanny cam if you could do it without her knowing what you're doing.

BTDT PP here. I have no advice. I agree you should do what it takes to make it difficult for your child to hurt herself. But, I also know if there is a will, there is a way and everything in your house is a weapon - something I learned both professionally and in my own life with my child. I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and don't let your guard down. Trust your instincts and don't feel bad about taking your daughter back to the hospital if you think it's the right thing to do. Go to a different hospital if you think that would be a better alternative.

OP - I suggest a FB group called “support group for parents of suicidal teens”. Lots of good info and support. Please be sure to lock up all meds including Tylenol and Benedryl and such as well as all sharps. You need to make it harder for an impulsive decision to self harm. Meds take a long time to kick in so it might be a bit before your child feels well enough to really let the therapy work.

OP where are you located. I’m going thru major things with my son now. I maybe able to give you some leads or suggestions.

If there are any guns in your house, get rid of them for now. Thinking good thoughts for you.

OP you can give her some space but keep doors open and one eye on her. If she doesn’t want to go in her room make her a bed in another room or would she be willing to sleep with you? When DD has had crises, we’ve locked up the knives, razors, other sharps etc. and had her sleep with me. You can believe I did not sleep a wink. She used to stay up late alone after we’d gone to bed, but we stopped doing that and changed her schedule to go to bed early and put restrictions on her phone so she couldn’t stay up late on her phone. If she couldn’t fall asleep at a reasonable time, we’d give her Benadryl to help fall asleep.

As for helping her process her feelings, the best tip we received was to validate feelings without minimizing them. Don’t make her feel ashamed or that it is her fault she is feeling this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She was assessed at the hospital, then saw a doctor today and has started on zoloft.

She is triggered to go into her room. So is staying downstairs but just wants to be alone and be given space. Yet giving her space is what got us here and I am so stressed and don't know what to do. She wants to isolate and watch tv and says it helps her but it doesn't. Yet I feel scared to try too much, else she will maybe be pushed over the edge.

She feels resistant to help in adjusting any perspectives and her habits after how she was talking about the therapist yesterday. I feel upset and helpless how to treat her right now. Does anyone have suggestions?

It sounds like a couple of days in-patient program might be what she needs to change habits and reset. Why wasn’t that pursued after seeing the doctor?

Her risk was assessed as low. She was very forthcoming with the therapist, agreeable to medication and future appointments, doesn't want to die, etc. It wasn't an option presented at this time. It was said to come back if something changes and they will admit her then. Where I live I don't think there's a program so much as just a hospital stay. They gave her planning which she agreed to do.

The adolescent crisis management therapist will be checking in over the weekend and just phoned again now and says it sounds like steps are positive and good child is reaching out to friends a little. She said the depression is significant and will take time to lift.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She was assessed at the hospital, then saw a doctor today and has started on zoloft.

She is triggered to go into her room. So is staying downstairs but just wants to be alone and be given space. Yet giving her space is what got us here and I am so stressed and don't know what to do. She wants to isolate and watch tv and says it helps her but it doesn't. Yet I feel scared to try too much, else she will maybe be pushed over the edge.

She feels resistant to help in adjusting any perspectives and her habits after how she was talking about the therapist yesterday. I feel upset and helpless how to treat her right now. Does anyone have suggestions?

I would kindly not let her isolate within reason. Don’t be intrusive but if she’s watching tv you can quietly be there too. She may think what’s she’s doing is helping but her judgement is seriously impaired! I’d aim to be a low key, non-confrontational, loving presence. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She was assessed at the hospital, then saw a doctor today and has started on zoloft.

She is triggered to go into her room. So is staying downstairs but just wants to be alone and be given space. Yet giving her space is what got us here and I am so stressed and don't know what to do. She wants to isolate and watch tv and says it helps her but it doesn't. Yet I feel scared to try too much, else she will maybe be pushed over the edge.

She feels resistant to help in adjusting any perspectives and her habits after how she was talking about the therapist yesterday. I feel upset and helpless how to treat her right now. Does anyone have suggestions?

It sounds like a couple of days in-patient program might be what she needs to change habits and reset. Why wasn’t that pursued after seeing the doctor?