Anonymous
05/10/2021 14:35
Subject: Re:Situation With Friend - Help.
OP here. Thanks guys. I told her I could not watch her child after this week. I explained it was becoming too difficult and her son needed more one-on-one care. I explained that it was becoming too much for me and I could no longer do it. I also told the husband and he said “ Oh, no problem. We will like something else up”. It kind of makes me think her husband wasn’t looped into our previous conversation about me not watching the baby.
I want to mention that they can afford childcare. I’m certain we make a little more, but they both make good money and can afford it. She was worried about using childcare in the pandemic. We live on the same block so it made sense.
I’m glad to know it was over. I now know to never do it again. We were never true friends. I’ve watched one of my good friends kids on occasion when their nanny canceled and it was nothing like this. Now I know for the future. Thanks for all of the advice!
I want to mention that they can afford childcare. I’m certain we make a little more, but they both make good money and can afford it. She was worried about using childcare in the pandemic. We live on the same block so it made sense.
I’m glad to know it was over. I now know to never do it again. We were never true friends. I’ve watched one of my good friends kids on occasion when their nanny canceled and it was nothing like this. Now I know for the future. Thanks for all of the advice!
Anonymous
05/10/2021 14:14
Subject: Re:Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with many of the prior posters that you need to give a firm two weeks notice and end the business aspect of your relationship with this friend/neighbor. If you’re concerned that she will try to wheedle you into continuing on, perhaps you could emphasize that it is your husband's wish that you focus on mothering your son and that you give up your venture into home daycare.
I would like to suggest that you look inward and reassess your commitment to this friend, who really doesn’t appear from an objective standpoint to be a very good friend to you - if a friend at all. She accused you, passively aggressively, of abandoning your son and thus damaging him in some way by sleep training him. She has apparently (from your depiction of conversations) repeatedly blamed you for the behavior issues her own son us experiencing, quite possibly because he is sleep deprived by her coddling approach to parenting. Yet you fiercely defend her against any criticism from posters here who are able to assess the information you provided objectively, not knowing of having affection for her and not knowing or having affection for you. You sound like a people pleaser who puts her own self interest - and even the self interest of her child to some extent - behind the efforts to please a ‘friend’ who will in all likelihood respond to your two weeks notice with barely veiled anger and a serious cooling off of her ‘affection’ for you, because she’s not your friend, she’s a user and narcissist who made you feel good when you didn’t have the ability to access your usual friendships because of the pandemic. I suggest you consider the possibility that this ‘friendship’ was for a season and that season is coming to an end. Certainly the daycare of her baby needs to come to an end, because it is demanding that you neglect your own son and yourself.
+1
Anonymous
05/10/2021 14:09
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:My friend approached me about watching her infant son PT. Our babies were weeks apart and I’m staying home. We are neighbors and she needed 20-25 hours/week. I know she was having trouble finding a PT nanny, and didn’t want to put him in daycare. I felt like it was a good idea. I liked that my baby had a playmate. I’ve been doing it for 3 months now and it’s just not working out.
We have very different parental philosophies, which I think is one of the biggest issues. She is very attachment style parenting and I’m not. Her baby needs to be held for all naps. This has started to become a problem for me because I feel like I have no break and can’t get anything done. He is overall an easy baby, but he doesn’t have any defined schedule. The other issue is that he has become bored and wants new toys, but my friend says that all of these toys are “ too stimulating for him” and not to use them. Her baby sometimes takes hours to go to bed or wakes up several times a night, and she has complained about it. I’m the complete opposite. I’m very schedule oriented and have my son on a flexible schedule. We sleep trained at 4 months and he takes reliable naps in the crib.
I feel like I have no break and can’t get anything done. I respect that we both follow parental philosophies that work for our families, but it’s just no longer working for me watching him. I told her that I don’t think I can watch him, and she proposed I do it until they put him in daycare or find a nanny. That’s another 2-3 months away. I feel bad and I’m worried about losing the friendship over it. Do you think I should stick it out or stand my ground?
Learning to say "no" was one of the most important lessons I ever learned.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 11:24
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Mom of fraternal twins here, offering some perspective. You essentially need to run things as if you were a mother of twins, because you have two babies almost the exact same age. You HAVE to have a schedule. Yes, the kids can have different personalities (mine sure did!) but you still have to establish a routine of sleeping, eating, playtime (with a range of similar toys) etc. That's just the reality. If this parent wants a completely individualized experience, she has to get a nanny or do it herself.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 11:15
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t give two weeks. One week is plenty. One day is is plenty. You are not her nanny.
Actually, she is her nanny. They are friends, but OP is her paid childcare provider.
You can give an employer same-day notice. Treat it as a business relationship and cut ties.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 11:12
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can you put him on a schedule when you watch him/sleep train him and just not tell her?
I would not do this. This is not okay to do.
Why not? This is what daycares do. They have a schedule and rules and stick to it. If parents don’t like it, they can go elsewhere.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 10:43
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t give two weeks. One week is plenty. One day is is plenty. You are not her nanny.
Actually, she is her nanny. They are friends, but OP is her paid childcare provider.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 10:42
Subject: Re:Situation With Friend - Help.
OP- I was in this exact situation. I agreed to watch a friend's baby (same age as my baby) for 15 hours per week. They paid me but we settled on a pretty low hourly rate because I felt funny about the money, knowing that their finances were tight. I also took the attitude that if I am already structuring my day around my baby, it is really not very inconvenient to have her baby there.
Her baby ended up just having a significantly different temperament than mine. She wanted to be held constantly. Cried way more often. Was fearful of other adults so I couldn't go on walks with other friends or invite people over. She didn't like things like going to the library or music classes either. In short, it really cramped my style and I started to feel resentful of her. It wasn't worth the little bit of money I was making and it was really taking away from my time with my own daughter.
I ended up just leveling with my friend and saying that I thought it was a great idea, but it just isn't working. I said I would be happy to keep doing it until they found an alternative, which they did within about a month.
We are still great friends to this day and our girls love to play together. I think it is ok to just be honest and blame it on yourself- "I was excited to do this arrangement but it isn't working for me.". No need to over explain.
Her baby ended up just having a significantly different temperament than mine. She wanted to be held constantly. Cried way more often. Was fearful of other adults so I couldn't go on walks with other friends or invite people over. She didn't like things like going to the library or music classes either. In short, it really cramped my style and I started to feel resentful of her. It wasn't worth the little bit of money I was making and it was really taking away from my time with my own daughter.
I ended up just leveling with my friend and saying that I thought it was a great idea, but it just isn't working. I said I would be happy to keep doing it until they found an alternative, which they did within about a month.
We are still great friends to this day and our girls love to play together. I think it is ok to just be honest and blame it on yourself- "I was excited to do this arrangement but it isn't working for me.". No need to over explain.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 09:49
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Learn to say no, you will continue to get child care request from “friends” you meet as long as you are a SAHM. Your priority is your own child and yourself.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 09:47
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:Just blame your husband and say he can’t work from home like this with you watching another child. Say the baby cried too loudly so husband’s boss was notified, won’t nap unless being held so you can’t get household chores done. It is causing too much marital stress and husband demands you can no longer watch baby. give her 2 weeks notice.
No, don’t go into this. You are offering her problems and this gives her opportunity to offer solutions. Follow advice of pps above that it’s simply not working for you and you need to end this arrangement on x date. Be clear and don’t offer reasons or excuses.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 09:34
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Just blame your husband and say he can’t work from home like this with you watching another child. Say the baby cried too loudly so husband’s boss was notified, won’t nap unless being held so you can’t get household chores done. It is causing too much marital stress and husband demands you can no longer watch baby. give her 2 weeks notice.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 09:18
Subject: Re:Situation With Friend - Help.
OP, I agree with many of the prior posters that you need to give a firm two weeks notice and end the business aspect of your relationship with this friend/neighbor. If you’re concerned that she will try to wheedle you into continuing on, perhaps you could emphasize that it is your husband's wish that you focus on mothering your son and that you give up your venture into home daycare.
I would like to suggest that you look inward and reassess your commitment to this friend, who really doesn’t appear from an objective standpoint to be a very good friend to you - if a friend at all. She accused you, passively aggressively, of abandoning your son and thus damaging him in some way by sleep training him. She has apparently (from your depiction of conversations) repeatedly blamed you for the behavior issues her own son us experiencing, quite possibly because he is sleep deprived by her coddling approach to parenting. Yet you fiercely defend her against any criticism from posters here who are able to assess the information you provided objectively, not knowing of having affection for her and not knowing or having affection for you. You sound like a people pleaser who puts her own self interest - and even the self interest of her child to some extent - behind the efforts to please a ‘friend’ who will in all likelihood respond to your two weeks notice with barely veiled anger and a serious cooling off of her ‘affection’ for you, because she’s not your friend, she’s a user and narcissist who made you feel good when you didn’t have the ability to access your usual friendships because of the pandemic. I suggest you consider the possibility that this ‘friendship’ was for a season and that season is coming to an end. Certainly the daycare of her baby needs to come to an end, because it is demanding that you neglect your own son and yourself.
I would like to suggest that you look inward and reassess your commitment to this friend, who really doesn’t appear from an objective standpoint to be a very good friend to you - if a friend at all. She accused you, passively aggressively, of abandoning your son and thus damaging him in some way by sleep training him. She has apparently (from your depiction of conversations) repeatedly blamed you for the behavior issues her own son us experiencing, quite possibly because he is sleep deprived by her coddling approach to parenting. Yet you fiercely defend her against any criticism from posters here who are able to assess the information you provided objectively, not knowing of having affection for her and not knowing or having affection for you. You sound like a people pleaser who puts her own self interest - and even the self interest of her child to some extent - behind the efforts to please a ‘friend’ who will in all likelihood respond to your two weeks notice with barely veiled anger and a serious cooling off of her ‘affection’ for you, because she’s not your friend, she’s a user and narcissist who made you feel good when you didn’t have the ability to access your usual friendships because of the pandemic. I suggest you consider the possibility that this ‘friendship’ was for a season and that season is coming to an end. Certainly the daycare of her baby needs to come to an end, because it is demanding that you neglect your own son and yourself.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 08:45
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Anonymous wrote:OP—You need to separate out your feelings about her parenting style and simply focus on this as a business relationship. It’s not working for you and you need to end it. You don’t need to justify it by hashing out all the ways this mom doesn’t do things the way you would. It’s irrelevant.
“Sally, this arrangement isn’t working anymore, and I need to give 2 weeks notice. This is more challenging than I anticipated. Friday, May 21 will be the last day I can watch Larlo.”
Be clear with her. Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. The more you say, the more muddled you sound.
Accept that this will be uncomfortable. Accept that she might not be happy about it or that things may cool off between you. That’s okay. Do it today. Good luck!
This. Clear and simple. Two weeks is reasonable.
Friendship may change, so prepare for that. Keep your boundaries for self and family.
Good luck.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 08:36
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
I wouldn’t give two weeks. One week is plenty. One day is is plenty. You are not her nanny.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 08:30
Subject: Situation With Friend - Help.
Welcome to motherhood! You just had your first crazy parent experience. Your parenting styles are too different (neighbor sounds a bit cray cray). It’s not working out for you and it’s time to part ways child care wise. The friendship is kind of built on childcare anyway.