Anonymous wrote:Not a rhetorical question. Sometimes I just get so exhausted by the seventh grade drama I need a good dose of the psychology behind the poor behavior to get perspective. Thank you!!

Insecurity.

I was bullied in 3-5th grade (for being bookish at one school and for being a poc and the “wrong” religion in a Protestant private). At least two bullies were physical with me and I struggled for years with the fact that one is an elected official on my hometown’s school board. He’s still a bully. When I got to MS, I was initially relieved to not be a target. I was in the “smart” track and being bookish was the subject of gentle teasing at most. I was finally the “right” race and religion. But I quickly learned that my spot in that top tier was partially dependent on disdain for the students in the bottom academic tier and those at the low end of the top tier. The middle kids were off limits. But there was a lot of fake pity toward the low academic students and really classist statements although we were all working class to lower middle class. It was just this idea that we were all so smart that we’d be rich and they would end up garbage men and maids. My mom tried to squelch it by pointing out that garbage men had a higher salary than she did, but she never knew how bad it got. She would have intervened at the school and punished me severely. Meanwhile, my smaller group of friends and I had a favorite target who was a heavy set, darker-skinned girl who was the lowest performing student in the top tier. To this day, I can’t say for sure that her academic performance and social awkwardness were not the result of three years of daily torment by us. I think she was relieved when most of our cohort selected private HS.

It was really insecurity, but I didn’t realize that at the time. I went on to be bullied in HS by a wealthy, heavyset girl and then be a bully in college again (mainly toward a mentally fragile romantic rival) without having gained any insight. I only got a sense of my motivation when I reread diaries I kept during those years. I was constantly calculating where I stood in the social hierarchy. I think it came out the trauma of the physical bullying because I was in an abusive family (mostly neglect, but also physical abuse and almost a decade of sexual abuse by an extended family member) and school was my only safe place. Not an excuse, but you wanted to understand the psychology. I was unconsciously trying to protect my safe place from being a victim myself.

Decades later, I’ve sought to make amends by supporting anti-bullying campaigns and trying to reach out to the girls I bullied in MS and college. One girl rebuffed my apology and I accept that. I can’t find the MS girl I treated the worse. She had a common name and may have changed her last night. I was asked by a mutual friend to not reach out to my former romantic rival. She is still in love with our mutual ex 30 years later although he’s an awful human being. According to the mutual friend she blames me for all of her issues because he was her white knight. I am respecting that request. I also reached out to te girl who bullied me the most in HS. She said she didn’t remember me at all. Initially, I didn’t believe her. Recently, I began believing her. I don’t know what private hell she was facing. Although she made an effort to constantly belittle me, it may have been a knee-jerk reaction to her own insecurities about her weight. And I most blame the teachers who were bystanders and never called her out. Private school teachers can be very intimated by the wealthiest parents.

Avoid the mean girl popular kid social drama groups if possible. I have seen friend groups sail through unscathed but not the ones in the thick of it.

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of a DD who will be heading to MS in a year this is all terrifying. MS sucked for me. Knowing all this, how do MS counselors and teachers deal with it? Or is it just ignored?

What are the teachers supposed to do? In middle school? They aren't babysitters? We went through this early and often - and frankly, it helped my girls deal with matters on their own. And they did!

It's a time of great identity change -- like metamorphosis for humans. They are unsure of who they are and very insecure, so there is a lot of social jockeying combined with extreme sensitivity.

I have a 5th grader heading toward middle school and I am dreading it! I can already see the beginnings, and it is so strange because it's a small school where people enter in K and stay. I have known some of these girls since they are 5, and it is so strange to see how they are changing and friend groups breaking apart and reforming.

As a mom of a DD who will be heading to MS in a year this is all terrifying. MS sucked for me. Knowing all this, how do MS counselors and teachers deal with it? Or is it just ignored?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones and insecurity.

You have to pick on someone else to focus everyone's attention on them so that the attention isn't focused on you and others pointing out your flaws.

I figured this out pretty early in middle school. The kid with the terrible lisp made fun of me for being chubby. The kid with really, really bad acne made fun of the shortest kid in school. The shortest kid in school made fun of the kid who had been held back in 1st grade. Rinse and repeat.

+1

Even the Queen Bees can be quite insecure, and the way to preserve your spot on the top of the pecking order is to put others down. Boys do it too, just usually more directly and often using physical force in some way (which includes sports/games). Girls tend to do it more verbally, and can be more sophisticated. As kids get older and little more comfortable in their own skin, the motivation to preserve your relative status by putting others down falls away a bit, and they become a little more live-and-let-live.

I do think that girls who are really awful are either miserable themselves (often have crap home lives) or have parents (especially mothers) who are obsessed with social status and engage in the same kinds of behaviors.

+1

Older sisters contribute, also - but agree, mainly moms who never grew up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why. I was pretty catty and cruel at that age. I cringe about it now. I didn’t pick on people, I was not popular or a queen bee, but I was very gossipy and really mean within my friend group. I don’t know why. I had poor self esteem, traumatic things going on, and a shaky identity, and was bullied myself for being fat.

Part of it is definitely personality. Even today I am drawn to drama and have to be really careful about not participating in gossip at work. Cattiness really comes out here where I’m anonymous. It’s pretty gross.

I appreciate this honest response. Too many of us say “not my daughter. Not me”

+1

Good on you for owning it, PP.

These girls bond with one another over beating on a chosen girl. It is a terrible experience to go through but the bright side is that your kid will be done with these poor quality people as close friends and can get on with replacing them something better.

I am glad mine is no longer in that mean girl friend group now that her older high school years are here. Apparently it has been never ending drama in that group. Better to to clear unless your kid thrives on drama, fear, and social stress.

Anonymous wrote:Hormones and insecurity.

You have to pick on someone else to focus everyone's attention on them so that the attention isn't focused on you and others pointing out your flaws.

I figured this out pretty early in middle school. The kid with the terrible lisp made fun of me for being chubby. The kid with really, really bad acne made fun of the shortest kid in school. The shortest kid in school made fun of the kid who had been held back in 1st grade. Rinse and repeat.

+1

Even the Queen Bees can be quite insecure, and the way to preserve your spot on the top of the pecking order is to put others down. Boys do it too, just usually more directly and often using physical force in some way (which includes sports/games). Girls tend to do it more verbally, and can be more sophisticated. As kids get older and little more comfortable in their own skin, the motivation to preserve your relative status by putting others down falls away a bit, and they become a little more live-and-let-live.

I do think that girls who are really awful are either miserable themselves (often have crap home lives) or have parents (especially mothers) who are obsessed with social status and engage in the same kinds of behaviors.

Anonymous wrote:I think technology has caused less development of emotional IQ and social skills and is extending this problem into HS more too. Self esteem loss too. IMO.

Nah. This behavior existed before Social Media and technology.

Anonymous wrote:I had a horrible middle school experience and stand by the belief that middle school girls are the worst group of people on the planet. I now have a 6th grader and fortunately she has an absolutely wonderful strong core friend group. My dd is the youngest and is definitely naive, but she’s also super sweet and kind to everyone. Her friends each have a sort of role they fill in the group - the “mother” the “leader” the “clown” the “organizer” etc. There are @8 of them and they are all lovely kids with lovely parents and they stick up for each other. There is plenty of mean girl drama going on around them, and they have very minor spats occasionally, but I am hoping and praying that these girls keep their bond over the next few years. It’s a beautiful, diverse group of girls and they’ve been close friends since K and 1st. I hope hope hope it stays this way.
She has a younger sister (8, in 3rd grade) who is definitely more prone to cattiness and drama (just by her personality) but somehow she’s found herself a super sweet best friend who has a profound disability, and DD has become her protector/champion/helper which has been great for both girls. They genuinely love each other and I’m happy to see dd being so empathetic and caring. Who knows how it’ll all shake out but I’m hoping that my girls’ caring and kindness endure.

This. I don't know the reason. But, I heard someone say that the military should deploy a group of MS girls in Iraq/Afghanistan. They'd bring the Taliban, Isis, etc. to their knees.

I've seen complete 180's from girls my child was in school with, and who I've known since they were 5 years old. I've seen it in how they act towards each other, to their parents, on SM.

My older sister was a covert nasty bully who played the victim and had my parents wrapped around her finger. She is still like this to this day and forever playing the victim. My mother also had some mean girl tendencies and gossiped about her friends though she always claimed to have good values. Dealing with those 2 loonies made me more resilient. I developed skills to deal with bullies and mostly my friends and I made fun of how mean they were and did imitations of queen bees among ourselves. I find girls to be the cattiest. I had a male bully I suppose, but he was so clearly insecure I just felt sorry for him. Eventually we became friends. To this day I have always trusted men more than women and I realize I was a daddy's girl. He was never catty to me.

Anonymous wrote:Choose your school carefully. We elected to send our daughter to an all girls school. Middle school wasn’t perfect, but mean girl behavior was largely absent and when there was a flare up, it was called out immediately and ended. My daughter is long past MS now and the school has continued to improve its MS program.

You’re joking. It’s the worst in all girls schools around DC anyway.

Hugs to you and your DD, OP. Been there myself. Wish my mom had told me that nice girls are pretty girls and that many of the mean ones peak early.

Choose your school carefully. We elected to send our daughter to an all girls school. Middle school wasn’t perfect, but mean girl behavior was largely absent and when there was a flare up, it was called out immediately and ended. My daughter is long past MS now and the school has continued to improve its MS program.