Years ago I worked with a colleague who was openly unhappy in her marriage and rumored to be having an affair with someone at work. I wasn’t all that sympathetic to her because it seemed inappropriate to me: she was married, she had kids. Then, at an office holiday party, I met her husband. I got stuck chatting with him for a long time. He was nice enough, and sort of pleasant, and dumb. He had grown up on a farm, so maybe he knew about farming, but he was incurious, blandly repetitive, and didn’t get anything anyone said. I saw my colleague’s behavior in a different light after that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to chime in with support and empathy for OP. I'm in the same boat. I try to tell myself this bolded part, but frankly poor judgment and a lack of critical thinking skills IS usually "less than." I wouldn't have imagined it being so controversial to acknowledge -- privately, anonymously, matter-of-factly -- varying levels of intelligence among people. I know exactly the type of which she speaks, and no, they don't make up for it in street smarts or emotional IQ or whatever else. In fact, they are lacking across the board, in all measures of mental sharpness. Why did I marry him? Because he's hot, great in bed, and kind. But we have definitely clashed at times due to his lack of reasoning skills.

Totally agree with this one. The most frustrating can be a lack of good judgment. When this is an issue, the milder problems become you constantly questioning him, which creates a sense that he is less than/second rate/you always have to have your way. But, the worst is letting some of those bad choices run, particularly on big issues, like financial ones. That can be a disaster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

I would posit that unintelligent folks are disproportionately drawn to police work, not that police work leaves them too drained to think logically.

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to chime in with support and empathy for OP. I'm in the same boat. I try to tell myself this bolded part, but frankly poor judgment and a lack of critical thinking skills IS usually "less than." I wouldn't have imagined it being so controversial to acknowledge -- privately, anonymously, matter-of-factly -- varying levels of intelligence among people. I know exactly the type of which she speaks, and no, they don't make up for it in street smarts or emotional IQ or whatever else. In fact, they are lacking across the board, in all measures of mental sharpness. Why did I marry him? Because he's hot, great in bed, and kind. But we have definitely clashed at times due to his lack of reasoning skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.

Truthfully, when you deal with very important things all day it’s really hard to have banal discussions. Everything seems superficial.

Anonymous wrote:I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

OK, I can relate to your post, and to this one above. The way I look at it is, every couple struggles with one or more dimensions of their compatibility. When you’re with someone who isn’t educated in the same way as you, or maybe isn’t as articulate or academic, it can be a struggle to respect their intelligence, especially when the woman is more educated. There’s a definite gender dimension to this. The reality is, this will probably intensify with age. There are two ways to look at it. If you don’t respect his intelligence, and you think having deep conversations is what you desire most out of life, then you are probably heading toward divorce. But another way to look at this is that you can’t expect to get everything from one person, and youn have to accept him for who he is, and if you try to make him more “intellectual,” it’s not gonna happen. You have to respect and focus on his strengths, and let go of your wishes to connect with him about deep topics. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad relationship. Most couples aren’t having deep discussions, they are connecting in other ways, and there are lots of ways to connect with your partner. This is what I try to do in my relationship of 20 plus years.

There was a thread once here I think (and I think on website corporette) on couples with very different educational levels. Lots of women married to men with less formal education. It was mostly a positive thread, might be helpful for you to check it out. You need to change your lens and widen it so that you see him as being just different from you and you from him. He is not less than.

I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL. OP, if you were as smart as you seem to think you are, you’d have noticed this before you got married.

Pretty much. Most women only want to date men that are at least equally intelligent and that's evident early on.

This is true for my sister who is actually significantly smarter than most people she meets. There's no tolerating it because the guy reads some books and watches the news. She actually really struggles in dating because most men are not her intellectual equal, and those that have extremely low emotional intelligence that she find incompatible for dating.


Anyway, OP, you don't sound significantly smarter than your husband, you sound bored and in need of finding ways to spend your time other than finding flaws with your husband.

If your DH is a cop, he most likely just wants to relax and forget about the real world for a while. As a cop, he is seeing the world at its worst most of the time he is working. And being a cop these days is really hard with all that is going on.

We are each smarter than each other in different ways. DH is probably smarter in terms of academics, tests, etc. Stuff that, if I may be so bold, doesn't really matter as adults. But he's also a smarter parent and understands our kids in a way that I don't (which obviously does matter). I'm smarter in terms of practicality - finding good spaces for items in the house that make sense for our lifestyle, organizing where we go when, etc. I'm more creative in problem-solving. He's more creative in performing arts.

So, we really compliment each other and are grateful to have each other around.

I'm more quantitative and probably academically strong than my spouse, but he is infinitely better with people, more diplomatic, and better at negotiating, business relationships, etc. He's not dumb by any measure, and I wouldn't have married someone who was. He's also a great writer and can craft a narrative better than I can.

It isn't an issue in our relationship at all, we rely on each other when dealing with something that is not within our own strengths, and enjoy learning from each other. I think the key is that neither of us would ever make the other feel bad about being less-than on any given metric, because we know we both have strengths and weaknesses and we aren't jerks about it. I often review financials and reports for DH, he helps me draft important texts/emails/etc. and always coaches me when I have important meetings or difficult social situations.

If you think you are "smarter than" your spouse, I would ask yourself what you're really saying, what he brings to the table/strengths, and how this framing is negatively impacting your subconscious (or conscious) interactions with your partner. It doesn't sound healthy.

Anonymous wrote:This may be a personality thing as much as an IQ thing. A lot of people hate Myers-Briggs because they don’t want to be placed in a “box,” yada, yada. But, I think the typology points out important differences. OP seems like a “N” (someone who likes ideas) and her policeman husband is probably the opposite, a “S,” (someone who likes tangible things). While determined effort can help any set of people get along, this pairing is challenging. Ultimately, the “N” person wants to read, think, discuss, debate, and communicate. Meanwhile, the “S” person wants to do, act, feel, and experience. If OP wants to discuss ideas together, but hubby wants to workout together, there may not be a lot in common. This may become more apparent once the common battles of careers, settling down, and young kids are behind them. Then, the emphasis is on them alone, staring at each other wishing the other was like them.

OMG! This was amazing. I did a Myers-Briggs test like 10 years ago because a team that I was working on kept clashing, but this definitely gives me reason to revisit it. You just exactly described to me, which is scary. The bolded points scare me more which prompted my post. I am scared about these differences heightening with age. I hope that it's just a pandemic thing, but I worry that it could be more...

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10+ years in. At the beginning DW was probably a bit smarter than me and definitely a better study. At some point since we've had kids she's become less intellectually curious and seems to have stopped learning things she does not need to know. In all fairness the kids suck much of her energy. I do wish she'd get the intellectual curiosity back though. The conversations never seem to go as deep as they used to.

Ohhh this is interesting. My DH works really hard, so perhaps he's literally just too tired to maintain any intellectual curiosity. And then compounded with the pandemic, we haven't been able to enjoy our favorite past times. This was a useful perspective. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he work? What does he do?

Yes. He's an extremely hard worker. He's a police officer.

What type? How many years? So is my H?

Have you read “ I love a cop”?

No, I have not read that book. I'll look it up.
He has 14 years. Right now he's in the community policing unit.