Anonymous wrote:>>I make an effort to tell all the babies how cute they are because I remember how important it was to me growing up with random people complimented me, but it surprises me how few people do this. <<

Actually, I deliberately try to check myself and *not* comment only on the looks of a girl baby (trying to avoid gender bias). I usually tell people how alert, engaged, etc their child looks.

I definitely don't ONLY compliment their looks and tell baby girls and baby boys the same compliments. I just meant compliments in general. Either way, cuteness is a personal preference and not everyone is going to think your kid is cute. Personally though, I think my daughter is absolutely adorable. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

>>I make an effort to tell all the babies how cute they are because I remember how important it was to me growing up with random people complimented me, but it surprises me how few people do this. <<

Actually, I deliberately try to check myself and *not* comment only on the looks of a girl baby (trying to avoid gender bias). I usually tell people how alert, engaged, etc their child looks.

As for jealousy, I had a verrrrry difficult infant -- colicky, reflux, barely slept, super introverted, the whole 9 yards. Was I jealous of my friends who could go to a freaking movie and dinner?! You bet! Could I hang out with them? No way, we were slaves to Weissbluth.

My second kid is super easy and we can live our lives more. I still love my friends, btw. And I called them on the phone lots. I just couldn't hang out with them and explained our situation to them. Lots thought we were just neurotic helicopter parents. Unless you have a super difficult baby you have noooo idea.

But as for cuteness? Hmmm. I thought then and think now that my intense daughter is brilliant and beautiful, in fact I thought then and think now that she's got loads of emotional intelligence and is just fabulous at communicating her needs (which involve lots of attention and nurturing).

Also, people go through phases in life. Give your friend a break. Be open to her needs -- if she needs a breather or some distance, don't take it personally. Just try again in a few months.

Anonymous wrote:To 20:55 -- I appreciate your good intentions in going a bit in the other direction. And yet I know from experience it's a bad habit to get into. What you're really doing is reflexively diminishing yourself (or your daughter) to help someone else feel better. Is this a habit you want your daughter to emulate? How sad would it be if she picked up the message she should feel badly about her best qualities!

I got great advice once -- "'Thank you' is a complete sentence." When someone admires your daughter's hair, why not just say, "Thank you" and then ask the other person a question about her or her child?

I'm 20:55, and yes, I'm completely aware of it being an issue which is why I was posting about it. It's not something I'm conscious of when I do it so it's a hard thing to stop doing but I'm working on it! We don't all come out learning everything. It's my one really bad Mommy thing I have to try to get past. In any case, I do tell her about 1000 times a day how cute she is so I do have that part down! I think part of the problem is that when you grew up self-conscious it's in your nature to not be as able to accept compliments. I often can just say "Thank you", but not every time. Also, it's not that often a problem because I find most Moms of babies don't comment on other people's babies. I make an effort to tell all the babies how cute they are because I remember how important it was to me growing up with random people complimented me, but it surprises me how few people do this.

Although, now I can tell which Moms have only boys by how they comment or which Moms have older daughters. The best thing about having a girl is how sometimes a Mom and her teenage girl will come over and coo at the baby and I see how their bond is, like it reminds them of themselves to see a Mom with a little daughter.

My first child was colicky as an infant -- we're talking about 5 months of 4 hours of crying/screaming every night. All of my friends' babies were far easier, and no one could relate to the horror that I was experiencing. But not once did I feel "jealous" of their little ones, I only felt supportive of their happiness - that's what true friends are supposed to do - support one another unconditionally and with love. And I also believe in karma - my second baby is much happier and rarely cries, so now I'm finally having that "dream" baby experience after all.

Anonymous wrote:When aquaintances ask after your baby, they are looking for a sentence or two, not a discourse on the details. It is the parenting version of "hi, how are you?" as you pass someone in a hall.

I'm sure all of you have wonderful children. But, the posts I'm reading here suggest that some of you may be talking too much. What you read as jealousy may just be boredom.

As for the mom whose kid does her own thing and doesn't perform - don't be jealous; be proud. Your kid sounds like she's got a great head on her shoulders.

Good post!

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you that I have a "dream baby". She's very beautiful, never cries (just for a few seconds if hungry or tired), always smiling and happy, content/alert, walked at 9 months, lots of energy, self entertains, sleeps straight thru the nights, hardly ever fusses or whines, etc....

When I talk "baby talk" to other moms whose babies are the opposite of mine, I can feel the jealousy by their comments or I get ignored. I belonged to an on-line forum and than left due to the negativity and drama and somehow these mothers got a hold of my baby blog and than bashed it on the board! It was out of pure jealousy. Why can't people just be happy for you and your baby instead of getting all worked up and upset because you do not have a difficult baby or the fact that their baby is not as advanced as yours? Every baby is different!!!

Every baby is perfect in its own way.

It's the moms that are self-absorbed and clueless.

You have to admit, rarely can you and your baby walk into a room, a grocery store, a park, a restaurant, etc. and not be "sized up" by other moms (and other people in general).

It seems to be human nature to compare the "competition" and also to find fault with someone else..."that baby isn't nearly as cute" or "she needs to lose that baby weight and fast" or "I would never wear that outfit with a post-baby weight tummy".

To 20:55 -- I appreciate your good intentions in going a bit in the other direction. And yet I know from experience it's a bad habit to get into. What you're really doing is reflexively diminishing yourself (or your daughter) to help someone else feel better. Is this a habit you want your daughter to emulate? How sad would it be if she picked up the message she should feel badly about her best qualities!

I got great advice once -- "'Thank you' is a complete sentence." When someone admires your daughter's hair, why not just say, "Thank you" and then ask the other person a question about her or her child?

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if any moms get jealous over other moms and their babies. What makes you jealous? I ask because one of my friends and I had a baby a few months apart and she never wants to get together now. Another friend says she is jealous because our baby is cuter. I can't imagine this but any moms feel this way?

is she a first time mom? if so, motherhood can be very overwhelming. if it is her second child, that can be overwhelming as well. don't read too much into it...some people run really tight ships around their house with schedules etc... and that leaves literally one hour a day that they are not "busy" doing something so maybe she doesn't have too much time. call and ask if she wants to go for a walk. however, i do know jealous moms and i'm sure i get jealous here and there without even realizing it. i think it is human nature. call her again. maybe she is struggling...baby blues? who knows?

I think that I try to not be a braggy Mom by going too far the OTHER way. Someone may say "Oh, she has such beautiful hair!" (She has a lot of curly hair for an 11 month old and always has) and I'll say "Oh yes, it's so beautiful. It's her Dad's hair." You know, so it's not taken to my credit. If the person has a baby girl with no hair and says something about that, I'll say "Sometimes it is hard to control all that curl though. Your baby has a beautiful color, when it grows in it will be so pretty". Then I feel like I insulted my daughter....like I'd said "Yes, it's pretty now but that stupid curl is a pain. If only she had blonde straight hair like your daughter." I don't know how to react or something. I love her hair. When I see a little girl with long curly hair I imagine my daughter with it in a year or so and I get so excited. But there someone is, complimenting her, and I say something stupid! I am working on it. I think that I really think she's the most incredible thing, but I know that being braggy is bad so I try to be un-braggy and it ends up all messed up!

Talk about how great your child is, just be considerate of who you're talking to. Jealousy is okay and is a human emotion, it just needs to be something people deal with rather than lash out. You also can't assume that every time someone loses touch with you it's because of jealousy. My Mom used to say that all the time "Oh, she's just jealous". Whatever. They're not always jealous. Sometimes s**t just happens.

When aquaintances ask after your baby, they are looking for a sentence or two, not a discourse on the details. It is the parenting version of "hi, how are you?" as you pass someone in a hall.

I'm sure all of you have wonderful children. But, the posts I'm reading here suggest that some of you may be talking too much. What you read as jealousy may just be boredom.

As for the mom whose kid does her own thing and doesn't perform - don't be jealous; be proud. Your kid sounds like she's got a great head on her shoulders.

she probably wasn't truely your friend in the first place if she became distant to you like that.

She probably wasn't bragging but just making talk. Also, there is nuthin wrong with bragging! I'm all for it!

I am totally jealous right now of 12:10 whose baby sleeps through the night. I have a beautiful, spirited, warm DD who has yet to sleep through the night and she turns 1 next week! I experience envy quite a bit over friends whose babies are good sleepers, but they have admitted that they're envious over my DD's sweet disposition. At the end of the day, though, even when I am exhausted, I wouldn't trade her smiling personality for a better sleeper! I think some envy is normal and a completely human reaction, but competitiveness is not something friends do to each other.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe their annoyed by your bragging.. not jealous.

But I was not bragging. You just had to be there!!!

OK