Anonymous wrote:Op I went to counseling thinking my dh would get creamed but the therapist actually found that I was intervening in his parenting way too much, and unless I thought there was abuse going on I really needed to let them hash it out. He was right I was undermining him as a dad because it’s not the way I would have handled things. Your kid does need a relationship with their dad. Once I stopped undermining his parenting, his anger towards me disappeared. No idea if that is similar to you but sometimes we have more power than we think. I still struggle with dh’s personality quirks which sometimes alienates me or our friends, but our coparenting tension reduction has made a huge difference. I appreciate the Eva mendes book rec someone posted I will check that out. Good luck.

You went to WRONG therapist. You need a specialist for this type of marriage SPECIFICALLY!

OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

Op I went to counseling thinking my dh would get creamed but the therapist actually found that I was intervening in his parenting way too much, and unless I thought there was abuse going on I really needed to let them hash it out. He was right I was undermining him as a dad because it’s not the way I would have handled things. Your kid does need a relationship with their dad. Once I stopped undermining his parenting, his anger towards me disappeared. No idea if that is similar to you but sometimes we have more power than we think. I still struggle with dh’s personality quirks which sometimes alienates me or our friends, but our coparenting tension reduction has made a huge difference. I appreciate the Eva mendes book rec someone posted I will check that out. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the same. Denies hfa despite our son being diagnosed. He literally reads like a textbook definition but managed to fool me before marriage. The masking is real and so is the denial. After he got kids out of me sex and any physical contact completely stopped. Please post support groups if possible. It is very lonely but I’d be terrified of him having part time custody. He’s lost our child before, forgotten to feed, appropriately cloth for the weather etc.

OP here. I am so sorry reading these. Do get some support from somewhere. Forgotten to feed , have weather inappropriate clothes/shoes. YES, but not losing a child This is when I wonder if there is any oversight on parents who share custody when one may be clueless. Honestly I originally thought a spectrum/former-ASD diagnosis could help with divorce planning. But I think it does not. Wishing you luck.

OP here. I need to point out that there are many voices chiming in here, it's not just the OP so don't assume it's just one person. I label my posts OP. DCUM is funny, to the person who asked why multiple therapists? Like another poster 1 fired us because of husband's massive outburst, another suggested a specialist. The others the chemistry wasn't right and one gender turned out to be better for us. There were good reasons why we got together. With typical middle aged life's challenges and a person's true colors come out.

"I have a feeling you are letting him get away with a lot and failing to stand up for yourself and then feeling resentful and dealing with it in a passive aggressive way. You say you "deal with" verbal abuse--you mean you stand for it? I feel like you need to work by yourself with a therapist who can figure out how to set boundaries."
How much if the day can you fight with someone? This comment gave me a chuckle. Boundaries are set regularly. I am quite clear.

Thanks for the links. The topic of neurodiverse couples navigating marriage is new. I like the book by Eva Mendes on Amazon. Best thing I have read, especially compared to the websites with so many angry spouses-I identify with them but dont learn anything. Eva's book has good strategies. To those who have written "it's not just ASD" -Yup. That's why the title of this post is "Oppositional". The therapists have said something else is going on. And, things are always more complex than you can explain in a post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

I dunno. PP with ASD spouse. A few therapists have fired us because they didn't feel like they could work with the ASD spouse. But they always offered to do individual counseling with me.

Have seen that too. Saw my HFA ASD spouse name call the therapist, she asked for clarification and he denied even saying it, two minutes later. Like he gaslights with me all the time.

She said this won’t work.

My husband is the same. Denies hfa despite our son being diagnosed. He literally reads like a textbook definition but managed to fool me before marriage. The masking is real and so is the denial. After he got kids out of me sex and any physical contact completely stopped. Please post support groups if possible. It is very lonely but I’d be terrified of him having part time custody. He’s lost our child before, forgotten to feed, appropriately cloth for the weather etc.

Anonymous wrote:" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

I dunno. PP with ASD spouse. A few therapists have fired us because they didn't feel like they could work with the ASD spouse. But they always offered to do individual counseling with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

Per our ASD and bipolar Dx in a 37 yo male, the RX was behavioral therapy only with a PhD level psychologist experienced with aspergers.
Regular therapies, verbal communication exercises, couples therapies, non-asd understanding therapists will make things worse.

Also, like an alcoholic that doesn’t think they have a problem, if the disordered person isn’t willing to admit they cause struggles, frustrations and setbacks foe the family, then nothing will improve.

This. And to the person saying OP is "armchair diagnosing," please share with us your ASD experience to weigh in on the OP's.

He also was called a “bump in the log” and sat and agreed with that too.
And the part where I was to behave like a single mother and never let my kids in dangerous situations with him. He nodded to that too.
She finishers the session by saying For better or worse!

She knows the stats in these situations. Divorce and never look back. The kids will either be asd or be driven crazy by the parents ASD.

One therapist put it this way and got my aspie spouse to agree (though by next session he disagreed with everything and quit, he must have been too bewildered by the first session so just nodded along):

It’s like having a dog in the house that just cannot be house-trained. It will make messes, stink, wreck things, constant loud noises, but never learn or improve. Year in and year out.

What do you do then? It’s an untrainable dog. Do you keep it in the house?

Anonymous wrote:" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

Per our ASD and bipolar Dx in a 37 yo male, the RX was behavioral therapy only with a PhD level psychologist experienced with aspergers.
Regular therapies, verbal communication exercises, couples therapies, non-asd understanding therapists will make things worse.

Also, like an alcoholic that doesn’t think they have a problem, if the disordered person isn’t willing to admit they cause struggles, frustrations and setbacks foe the family, then nothing will improve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Life is too short. Get an attorney and get out. The kid will be fine.

I'm afraid this is where I'm headed after having tried for many many years. Like another PP said, DH has had too many excuses made for him.

The reality is DH is good at masking, enough for me to think he'll improve or at least wants to. But he thinks he can fix whatever issues he has on his own without a therapist. Of course that has meant no progress, even with a diagnosis (which he needed since he only trusts professionals, and then only marginally). I am in knots trying to decide what is the best for our kids.

I've joined periodically the Grace Myhill groups on Sunday calls. Looked for meetups in the DC area, and only saw one aimed at ASD kids and families. I would welcome any resources for local or virtual groups for NT spouses and anyone's experience for what worked for them.

Three DC area ASD psychologists that do adult diagnosis:
Dr. Carla Messenger http://www.drcarlamessenger.com/
Dr. Donna Henderson https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/
Dr. Virginia Lindahl https://virginialindahl.com/autism-testing/

I’m going to look into starting my own Beltway NT with ASD spouse meet up.

Caution: it may involve wine outside Tuesday or Sunday nights and kickboxing Thursdays.

" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.