My siblings all wound up staying in our hometown near our parents, and all are unhappy there. But my parents are super codependent and manipulative and, like OP, heavily guilt trip all their kids to stay nearby. They have screwed up relationships with one another and whenever we visit them, there is tons of resentment and drama floating around. I live on the other side of the country and have a much healthier relationship with the rest of my family than any of them do with one another because I am living my own life and can be supportive and empathetic without inserting myself into everything.

I'd love if our child went to school somewhere far flung so we'd have an excuse to travel there frequently and get to know a new place. I'm hoping she studies overseas for at least a year as well. Part of having a child for me was getting to see what she does with her life and celebrate it. If she chooses to stay nearby, I would support that too and of course love getting to see her more often. Mostly I just want her to be happy and to get what she wants out of life. I hope OP's neighbors want the same for their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with it of course. But This is why we (selfishly) discouraged our kids from considering college on west coast. There are plenty of options on east coast and chances of them getting first jobs and settling closer to where they attend college is high.

I can handle a few states difference, I’d be emotionally torn if we were all cross country from each other

Agree with you that this is selfish. Deliberately lessening your kids’ opportunities for your own wants, not cool.

NP. First of all, I don't see how you can consider it "limiting" to stay somewhere on the east coast. The east coast includes NYC, DC, Boston....
Also, kids often choose on a whim to live somewhere very far away from their parents, and then they build kids and a life in this arbitrarily chosen place, and then realize how hard it is to be away from family. (I'm talking about myself!) I think it's good for parents to advise their children to stay reasonably close by because it might be very advantageous in 10 years when they start having kids.

It isn't limiting if the kids choose. The point is that they should be able to choose.
Also, "kids" (we are actually talking about adults, but ok, we can say "kids") sometimes realize later they don't want to live faraway after all, but sometimes they don't change their minds. Point is, it's their choice and if it 's a mistake, it's their mistake to make. Maybe they never would have understood the benefits of being close to their parents if they'd started that way and felt suffocated. Who knows? It's fine to give advice, I guess, especially if it s requested. But the PP said they discouraged their kids, which sounds like more than advice. Purely based on what she wanted, not on what her "kids" might want. That is selfish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with it of course. But This is why we (selfishly) discouraged our kids from considering college on west coast. There are plenty of options on east coast and chances of them getting first jobs and settling closer to where they attend college is high.

I can handle a few states difference, I’d be emotionally torn if we were all cross country from each other

Agree with you that this is selfish. Deliberately lessening your kids’ opportunities for your own wants, not cool.

NP. First of all, I don't see how you can consider it "limiting" to stay somewhere on the east coast. The east coast includes NYC, DC, Boston....
Also, kids often choose on a whim to live somewhere very far away from their parents, and then they build kids and a life in this arbitrarily chosen place, and then realize how hard it is to be away from family. (I'm talking about myself!) I think it's good for parents to advise their children to stay reasonably close by because it might be very advantageous in 10 years when they start having kids.

I would say that your neighbor is a fantastic parent who did a great job making their children not only fully independent, but adore each other enough to want to live near each other. Well done, neighbor!

OP, you need a hobby. Maybe move away from your hometown?

Anonymous wrote:I think it speaks to the fact that they are a close family as the kids all want to be near each other. That would be far more important to me than having them live down the street from me.

Having said that, myob.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbors may be waiting to see if their kids are going to settle there (vs live there for a few years and then move back) before your neighbors decide if they want to move out there too. Or maybe they are content to not live near their kids. Either way it is not weird.

Yup my eldest is there for Art School. If youngest goes (9th grader) for college. We will move West. If one on each coast will stay put and visit. After this Pandemic wherever they may go and thrive is good enough for us.

I know families that are scattered to all corners and yet are very close emotionally, and I know families who live quite nearby and can barely stand each other. And, as others have noted, young adult children can live near their parents and maintain as much independence as if they were around the corner. For us, a silver lining of the pandemic has been having our young adult kids (in college and grad school) home for much of the past year. One of them will be starting a job in Oregon in the fall, and we would love it if the others chose to go out west as well. We love the west coast and would gladly move there for at least part of the year. I do think it is easier to visit if you aren't on top of one another and if the visits are more frequent and of shorter duration.

+1

Preach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? We have five. Three college grads. One in college. One senior in high school. Our oldest lives in Georgia. Our second in Colorado. Our third in Florida. Our fourth is in London. We see all of them several times a year. I miss them. But, I’m super proud of the independent young men and woman they have become.

You do realize that you can have "independent young men and women" as adult children who also live nearby, right? It's called being a close family.

Your implication is that if children choose to live somewhere other than near their parents, for any number of reasons (climate, significant others, career, general unspecified preference), that means they are not a close family?

Is it hard being that stupid?

x10000000

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever been to California? I find it odd that anyone would go out there and move back to the east coast.

Preach. DH and I went to law school in California and then returned to the east coast where we both grew up. We were idiots. We visit California friends often and I'm praying that our kids will choose to go to school there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbors may be waiting to see if their kids are going to settle there (vs live there for a few years and then move back) before your neighbors decide if they want to move out there too. Or maybe they are content to not live near their kids. Either way it is not weird.

Yup my eldest is there for Art School. If youngest goes (9th grader) for college. We will move West. If one on each coast will stay put and visit. After this Pandemic wherever they may go and thrive is good enough for us.

I know families that are scattered to all corners and yet are very close emotionally, and I know families who live quite nearby and can barely stand each other. And, as others have noted, young adult children can live near their parents and maintain as much independence as if they were around the corner. For us, a silver lining of the pandemic has been having our young adult kids (in college and grad school) home for much of the past year. One of them will be starting a job in Oregon in the fall, and we would love it if the others chose to go out west as well. We love the west coast and would gladly move there for at least part of the year. I do think it is easier to visit if you aren't on top of one another and if the visits are more frequent and of shorter duration.

Sounds like someone needs to pack up and move!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding? If I could afford California I'd move in a heartbeat.

Are you in the DC area? If you can afford to live here you can afford to live there. Sounds like you're making excuses.

That’s not at all true. Go look at Redfin. Dc area includes Arlington suburbs - go look at those house prices and then go look at SF and La

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? We have five. Three college grads. One in college. One senior in high school. Our oldest lives in Georgia. Our second in Colorado. Our third in Florida. Our fourth is in London. We see all of them several times a year. I miss them. But, I’m super proud of the independent young men and woman they have become.

You do realize that you can have "independent young men and women" as adult children who also live nearby, right? It's called being a close family.

Your implication is that if children choose to live somewhere other than near their parents, for any number of reasons (climate, significant others, career, general unspecified preference), that means they are not a close family?

Is it hard being that stupid?

They could definitely be terrible parents. That’s partly why 3 of my siblings and I are on the east coast and parents in California.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with it of course. But This is why we (selfishly) discouraged our kids from considering college on west coast. There are plenty of options on east coast and chances of them getting first jobs and settling closer to where they attend college is high.

I can handle a few states difference, I’d be emotionally torn if we were all cross country from each other

Agree with you that this is selfish. Deliberately lessening your kids’ opportunities for your own wants, not cool.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with it of course. But This is why we (selfishly) discouraged our kids from considering college on west coast. There are plenty of options on east coast and chances of them getting first jobs and settling closer to where they attend college is high.

I can handle a few states difference, I’d be emotionally torn if we were all cross country from each other

Let them go mom. At least you agree that you are selfish.