Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

Separation abuse is real. The child becomes a power tool pawn to the narc abuser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

Anonymous wrote:A woman I follow on Twitter is doing the same thing - basically commenting on aspects of the divorce and the divorce process. She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive. Yes, women are told to keep large parts of our lives secret for the sake of the marriage and kids and our “dignity”. We are told to accept marital and financial rape and to continue to expose ourselves smilingly to our emotional, verbal and physical abusers.

Anonymous wrote:Wife posts complains on Instagram that husband slammed her with surprise divorce and here's what she thinks about it. What do you all think? Should women be quiet about how they feel when a spouse files for a surprise divorce? Be dignified?

Her instagram post:
'I know he’ll be angry. (he is always angry - he was born angry) But, you see, I think this whole idea of keeping your private lives private is... well. What leads to child abuse. And domestic violence.

'And mental abuse. I couldn’t believe how many people told me to accept it ‘with dignity’. What is dignity? I think "dignity is a way of covering up our own hurt. I think dignity is a way of others telling us to shut up, because THEY don’t want to think about our hurt.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CL9B5-4FjHS/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

I would argue that keeping such a huge secret from your spouse and then announcing it a newspaper with no heads up to her is emotional abuse. What is behind such behavior if not a power play, manipulation, and spite?

However, you are missing her point because you are focusing only on what happened to her, while she is making a much broader point, that is not about her. Her broad point is that when society's rules of proper decorum insist on keeping troubling matters "private," even shaming and shunning and gossiping those who deign to talk about "such issues," it enables abusers because when the "don't tell" rules have been deeply ingrained in a persons's psyche form birth, it is psychologically almost impossible to break out of an abusive situation. Gossip is probably the worst of it, because when you've heard gossip all your life, you then know what will happen to you, the victim, if you come forward.

This.

She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

I would argue that keeping such a huge secret from your spouse and then announcing it a newspaper with no heads up to her is emotional abuse. What is behind such behavior if not a power play, manipulation, and spite?

However, you are missing her point because you are focusing only on what happened to her, while she is making a much broader point, that is not about her. Her broad point is that when society's rules of proper decorum insist on keeping troubling matters "private," even shaming and shunning and gossiping those who deign to talk about "such issues," it enables abusers because when the "don't tell" rules have been deeply ingrained in a persons's psyche form birth, it is psychologically almost impossible to break out of an abusive situation. Gossip is probably the worst of it, because when you've heard gossip all your life, you then know what will happen to you, the victim, if you come forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

Yes. Not my style, but he publicly humiliated her with that stunt, so I don't see how he can complain that she's being public about it too. Where was his "dignity"?

Cheaters do not have dignity, ever. It's a cowards way out. Divorce before cheating. Pretty simple.

Bingo. Cheaters no matter the gender are shit people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

The emotional abuse was going on for years with his deceit, narcissistic manipulation and gaslighting. Being blindsided and finding out everything for years you thought to be true is not is severely disorienting and can cause a mental break.