I came from a very imperfect household and was very forthright about it when I began dating my now spouse. Poor emotional boundaries. Lots of yelling, blaming, anger, rage, slamming doors, occasionally throwing things etc... A very complicated relationship with a parent that continues into adulthood despite a lot of work on my part to accept and let go. My parents had a lot of trauma in their pasts that really affected their ability to emotionally regulate and parent.

I married someone who looked like they had a perfect family and with picture perfect holidays, vacations, family dinners, conversations etc... everything I had wished for in my own childhood. I felt like I was coming into the marriage with all this family baggage and sometimes I felt the weight of doubting if I was “good enough” or whatnot. Lo and behold years into our relationship and it turns out my spouses family has deep secrets - a secret half sibling, an ongoing extramarital saga - they just do not talk about it and stuff secrets down deep. The parents keep things from each other, from their children and on and on and on. I never would have known except for a couple chance incidents that revealed things. In some ways this secrecy is so much harder to handle than the in your face hardships that I experienced. Things are not always as they appear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

I could be wrong, OP can clarify, but I think what they mean by judge is what you say about yourself - you'd be wary of dating someone who was abused as a child. If you'd be wary of dating someone like that, you're probably judging them in other areas of their lives too.

So it’s not that I would think poorly of a person for having that background. I would be worried that the scars they have from that could have ramifications for our own relationship. That’s partially because I have dated people from messed up backgrounds and it has shown up in our relationships. So is being wary fair? No, not at all. But having a messed up family background can definitely carry into your ability to have healthy relationships as an adult.

My spouse had a pretty messed up background and left home at 16, military at 18. He's an amazing husband and father and I could not have married a better man. My family was more functional early on but now all the disfunction has shown up as it was carefully hidden by different people.

Not equal - sexual.

I’ve told very very few people of the details about my upbringing.

My story is also dark and full of family secrets pertaining to physical, verbal and substance abuse.

My parent, now deceased, was a well-known and respected community member. We were considered wealthy and “perfect.”

Used to that people would hear my name and assume certain things; that I was spoiled, had it all, maybe was successful because of my parent.

I tell no one save for my closest lifelong friends who were utterly shocked, yet they remain my cherished friends.

Oddly, I’ve ventured out of my comfort zone and have disclosed some details in a faith-based group and was advised to “say more prayers so that my memories would be less vivid.” I quit that group and never returned.

Also people hear “abuse” and “addiction” and instantly go rogue - they’ll ask if my parent was at least a “fun drunk” and/or ask specifically what the preferred drink/drug was and of my abuse was equal in nature...I’ve seen the wheels turning trying to figure out just “ how bad” my situation was...

Anonymous wrote:Not me and if someone does, they are assholes.

+1

Not me and if someone does, they are assholes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I believe we are all affected in some way directly or indirectly by trauma. Avoiding people who have more obvious or louder forms of trauma or bad experiences in their childhood is a denial of it. Difficult childhoods and the trauma that is associated looks so many different ways. There are some obvious traumas that get clumped together such as substance abuse or physical abuse, but then there are forms of trauma such as the emotional neglect from parents riddled with the challenges of infidelity in their marriage, or the generational trauma from past hardships such as war or detainment.

You're probably the type of person who, when a friend tells you they have cancer and are experiencing the effects of chemotherapy, talks about how traumatic it is for you. No, not everyone is affected by trauma.

Oh great call out! Most* people, and definitely not you. Good for you!

My husband had a horrible childhood, full of addiction and abuse (his stepdad lost his job when the kids were young, so he would get drunk and beat the crap out of them). I was very concerned when my husband told me, because I was afraid he will succumb to it and do the same/take it out on our future kids. However, still decided to go for it, because of how mentally strong he was.

20 years later, we are both successful professionals with kids. He turned out to be a great dad and father. However, again, he is mentally very strong, his siblings took a good 15 years to get their lives together.

I was angry at my MIL, who allowed all of this to happen, until I realized she did not have many options at the time. It was either abuse or going hungry. I would not have made her choices, but my husband forgave her, so I figured if he could so could I, so I followed his lead.

We do not tell people any of this, because we don't want anyone looking down at my husband or his mom for that matter.

Anonymous wrote:No. I believe we are all affected in some way directly or indirectly by trauma. Avoiding people who have more obvious or louder forms of trauma or bad experiences in their childhood is a denial of it. Difficult childhoods and the trauma that is associated looks so many different ways. There are some obvious traumas that get clumped together such as substance abuse or physical abuse, but then there are forms of trauma such as the emotional neglect from parents riddled with the challenges of infidelity in their marriage, or the generational trauma from past hardships such as war or detainment.

You're probably the type of person who, when a friend tells you they have cancer and are experiencing the effects of chemotherapy, talks about how traumatic it is for you. No, not everyone is affected by trauma.

Anyone who would judge you for that is a garbage human being and you are better off without them.

This reminds me of a thread several months ago where someone asked if she should "shun" her neighbor because the OP suspected the neighbor was a victim of domestic violence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

I could be wrong, OP can clarify, but I think what they mean by judge is what you say about yourself - you'd be wary of dating someone who was abused as a child. If you'd be wary of dating someone like that, you're probably judging them in other areas of their lives too.

So it’s not that I would think poorly of a person for having that background. I would be worried that the scars they have from that could have ramifications for our own relationship. That’s partially because I have dated people from messed up backgrounds and it has shown up in our relationships. So is being wary fair? No, not at all. But having a messed up family background can definitely carry into your ability to have healthy relationships as an adult.

Many, many more UMC people than you expect grew up with addiction and its results in their families, OP. You are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:I judge them positively. Every other person (including me) who is doing well was born on third and is pretending they hit a home run. You actually did.

YES. Yes.

I judge them positively. Every other person (including me) who is doing well was born on third and is pretending they hit a home run. You actually did.

No. I believe we are all affected in some way directly or indirectly by trauma. Avoiding people who have more obvious or louder forms of trauma or bad experiences in their childhood is a denial of it. Difficult childhoods and the trauma that is associated looks so many different ways. There are some obvious traumas that get clumped together such as substance abuse or physical abuse, but then there are forms of trauma such as the emotional neglect from parents riddled with the challenges of infidelity in their marriage, or the generational trauma from past hardships such as war or detainment.