My parents divorced when I was in college- my dad had been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He left my mom, remarried the week after their divorce was final. I was not invited or even told about the marriage (only child as well). He moved out of state a couple years later, never acknowledged my marriage or his grandson. I was pregnant with our daughter when I found out that he had passed away from complications from alcoholism- from one of my cousins 2 months after he had actually died. His new wife sent my aunt a Christmas card just from herself (he passed away in October, we didn’t find out until December) which caused all all kinds of questions. I really wasn’t sure how to grieve as I wasn’t really given the chance to grieve his passing. I felt guilty that I wasn’t there when he was really sick, as I would have dropped everything to be there for him, but his wife didn’t me that option. I didn’t feel like I could grieve it afterwards either due to the anger from his siblings.

I guess it depends on how dysfunctional your relationship with you mother was, op. I too had a very rocky relationship with mine but deep down always wished it could be turned around somehow. She has never physically abusedme and overall tried her best to help me but emotionally she tortured me. Accusations, criticism, threat of putting a curse on me when I was pregnant. As a result, during my first pregnancy I deleted all her emails, broke contact with her. We did have occasional contact after it but makorly beoke off after a conflict wgen she was visiting me. We continued soeaking a bit but I teied to keep my boubdaries. Eerily, exactly one year before her fateful surgery (she would pass away one month later) she had sent me an email with accusations, about how bad I was, and attached a video of her singing songs with her singing teacher, noting that we would never meet again and she was leaving that recording as memory. I found that email in the trash folder bc that is where I had redirected all her email. The hard part is that I loved her and wanted the best for her. After her surgery we had a month of blissful relationship. She was a perfect loving mother. I heard no criticism and the grief for her impending and then actual passing was enormous, soul-shaking for me. My biggest tragedy in life. I blamed myself for all her woes, for her death, for not being kinder to her. Again, we had had some good moments and tjat is why I had hope things would get better. In my mind's eye I would actually occasionally imagine my mother getting older, how she would look, how I would take care of her. And her illness and passing were excruciating. My dad, on the other hand, has left us when I was a teenager and came to my mom's funeral and tried to stay in touch afterwards, but he doesn't really support us or take part in anything. I lack feelings toward him. Sometimes I wonder when he dies if it would be as excruciating but I think not. Although it would probably be very very sad being reminded you've actually have not had a dad for most of your life.

No regrets and still haven't cried. I hadn't spoken to him in the two years preceding his death. My dad was an abusive narcissist, and we never had a healthy relationship. I had already grieved for a childhood with a loving father, and I had made peace with it.

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot take it anymore. I have a normal, peaceful, but busy life with my kids and husband. Add in my family drama and it just guts me. It derails my whole life, the fighting, the insane scenarios, the deaths, the grief, the gaslighting, I feel like I am in an alternate universe I didn't sign up for and I feel broken now. I need to be able to focus on my life without all of their drama and craziness.

This is me too!

OP, I have several friends that have cut off contact with their parents. What they all share is a sense of loss for their childhood, what could have been, what should have been. They regret not cutting the abusive parent off sooner, not taking care of themselves sooner. Not a single one regretted the decision, not even at the time of the parents’ death. Because fact is, they never had parents, you see. What they had were sperm and egg donors, and those people deserve no consideration.

Most of my friends have trouble with Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, because they mourn what they never had. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You deserved better.

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a REALLY bad alcoholic throughout my childhood, my mom just ended up abandoning me a few years after he left.

He came back(eventually), and keeps constant contact. My mother on the other hand never calls, and started being more family oriented the week after I left the state.

She has high expectations of me at family gatherings, my dad has none and I think that’s what has really helped me be more responsive to him.

Submitted too early!

She’s currently living in a very poor dorm like style housing. She has all of her belongings in one single bedroom. She has a mini fridge and microwave. She has no savings obviously, so it’s just going to get worst as she ages. When she dies I don’t think I’ll feel anything. Hopefully I won’t even know.

Many people had tried to adopt me and my younger sibling but she refused to give up custody even tho she hadn’t seen us for 10-15 years. Because of this my younger sister ended up homeless while I was in college.

My dad was a REALLY bad alcoholic throughout my childhood, my mom just ended up abandoning me a few years after he left.

He came back(eventually), and keeps constant contact. My mother on the other hand never calls, and started being more family oriented the week after I left the state.

She has high expectations of me at family gatherings, my dad has none and I think that’s what has really helped me be more responsive to him.

My mother is a narcissist. She's a horrible human, who verbally abused all of us and my father. She literally chose my brother over my sister after he not only abused my sister. But he is scamming women who had hernia mesh surgeries and she stands by him. UGH... She only cares about money and nothing else.

My father would never leave her as for some reason he loved her dearly. He is now in a memory care unit, and she is stealing the Medicaid monies that are supposed to be going toward his care. They have no money never have.

I cut her off in my late fifties and I should have never waited that long. The worst decision I made was waiting. I am now happier and more a sense of peace. Both my parents are in their early 80's and while my dad has no idea who we are anymore he still is the better parent.

My mother's side of the family I have cut off completely as well. Everyone on her side is either a criminal or a drug user. Dad's side was never happy with the marriage and as an adult, I finally figured out why.

No regrets. Sometimes family is just not worth it.

I hadn't fully cut off contact w/ my father, but I had severely restricted contact for decades. And I managed his access to my kids as though I was guarding Fort Knox. And I never, ever trusted him with anything emotional or any vulnerability or any access to me emotionally.

I did what I had to do to protect myself, and for a long time it was really hard. Then I had kids and I did what I had to do to protect them and that was much easier to see and do (which also protected me.)

When he died I was amazingly at peace. He never harmed my kids and they never saw ugliness with him. I felt like I had done a pretty good job of walking a tightrope and now I was free of that. I don't miss him, I don't have any regrets about my decisions, I don't beat myself up about anything. It's really kind of amazing.

I also have a handful of fond memories of him and now I can focus on those if/when I choose and not have to guard myself against any further pain. It's actually been great.

If you are at peace with your decisions now then you will likely be at peace in the future OP.

All the best to you.

Anonymous wrote:It is very hard for the people who grew up with emotionally mature, nurturing parents to understand what we have experienced. Some of them can be incredibly judgmental because they just don’t get it. Many people don’t grasp that child abuse isn’t just bruises broken bones or molestation or serious physical neglect. They might see that you grew up with material comforts and maybe weren’t ever even physically assaulted and think you aren’t really a victim of child abuse.

But mental cruelty inflicted by a parent is incredibly destructive - it undermines your sense of self, your ability to develop a healthy way of being in this world and in all the relationships you will ever have your whole life through. If you have managed to forge a healthy marriage or other committed relationship and to have children and be raising them using healthy parenting strategies, you are a super hero and you have all my respect and love. And if the very sound of your mother’s voice brings up all that pain and toxicity and causes you to struggle with the healthy life you’ve managed to create, then you don’t need to hear that voice anymore. You’ve done your duty as an obedient child long enough. You didn’t ask to be born. You didn’t ask to be abused. You owe her nothing.

This X 1000000.

I really wish everyone commenting, "oh maybe just a card/phone call/visit once a year?" would read this before offering their input.

Anonymous wrote:I am about to cut contact with a severely abusive parent that is not getting any better. She’s taken care of and living in an assisted living home. How did it feel when the parent passed away? Did you cry or mourn them? Did you have regrets?

OP, you need to do what is best for yourself. if having some type of contact is good for you, do it, otherwise don't. your mom is taken care of so she is not going to die of starvation under a bridge. you don't owe her your life. i never had this experience, but a relative had it. her mom was abusive, all the kids became estranged from the mom except for this relative who moved to another country but kept mentally and physically in touch with the mom (multiple calls a day and so on). eventually even that was impossible (in the last conversation, the mom told my relative that she wished her a painful death, this after relative had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer). the mother died before my relative and my relative's real regret was not cutting contact years before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean....maybe you should still send a birthday card and Christmas card and call her a few times a year. You might feel better doing that.

If you have not experienced what OP is experiencing, you have ZERO business making this statement. None.

I am in a similar boat as OP, but I cut contact 20 years ago. For very good reasons. And I struggle with what I'll do -if anything- when he passes. But, I have no patience with the "give him another chance" crowd or the "you'll regret it crowd" or the "but he's your father crowd." You were not in my shoes. You did not live under his roof and all that that meant having to endure.
So, you say nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Yep. I'm the poster that hadn't spoken with my mother in 16 years.

About two weeks after her death a letter in her handwriting arrived. It was a one page note explaining how I was such a disappointment and that she thought it funny that she heard my sons "losers". They were 8 and 10 at the time. Think about that.

She had her sister mail it. I have since cut her out as well.

DP WTF! Only a totally messed up person would do something like that and you are well rid of her. I'm sorry you didn't have the parent you deserved. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean....maybe you should still send a birthday card and Christmas card and call her a few times a year. You might feel better doing that.

If you have not experienced what OP is experiencing, you have ZERO business making this statement. None.

I am in a similar boat as OP, but I cut contact 20 years ago. For very good reasons. And I struggle with what I'll do -if anything- when he passes. But, I have no patience with the "give him another chance" crowd or the "you'll regret it crowd" or the "but he's your father crowd." You were not in my shoes. You did not live under his roof and all that that meant having to endure.
So, you say nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Yep. I'm the poster that hadn't spoken with my mother in 16 years.

About two weeks after her death a letter in her handwriting arrived. It was a one page note explaining how I was such a disappointment and that she thought it funny that she heard my sons "losers". They were 8 and 10 at the time. Think about that.

She had her sister mail it. I have since cut her out as well.

Anonymous wrote:I’d already mourned the lack of a parent who loved me years before. When she finally died it was more like a memory of that sadness. I’m sorry, OP.

This is it. I feel nothing at this point. I've already mourned the loss - not even the loss of htat parent. But the loss of the parent I never had and would never had. I never, ever had a normal, functioning, loving father. I never will.

Anonymous wrote:I mean....maybe you should still send a birthday card and Christmas card and call her a few times a year. You might feel better doing that.

If you have not experienced what OP is experiencing, you have ZERO business making this statement. None.

I am in a similar boat as OP, but I cut contact 20 years ago. For very good reasons. And I struggle with what I'll do -if anything- when he passes. But, I have no patience with the "give him another chance" crowd or the "you'll regret it crowd" or the "but he's your father crowd." You were not in my shoes. You did not live under his roof and all that that meant having to endure.
So, you say nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.