Anonymous
02/24/2021 20:16
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
It's not much different really than all the people on DCUM who think they should tell their parents what to do, about housing, about money, about retirement, etc. Doesn't usually go well, even when they're pretty much right.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 20:09
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:You have got to get over the idea of sharing-yourself. You do this with your Mommy & Daddy seeking the warm glow of their love and acceptance. That's your deeper problem. To you it's just a detail. You share details. But the reason you keep sharing despite continually getting negative feedback runs deeper.
You’re right. I have to work through that. Of course, when i stopped telling them things, my mom sensed it and cried that, “You never tell me things anymore. What did I do?!”
Ugh.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 19:48
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
You have got to get over the idea of sharing-yourself. You do this with your Mommy & Daddy seeking the warm glow of their love and acceptance. That's your deeper problem. To you it's just a detail. You share details. But the reason you keep sharing despite continually getting negative feedback runs deeper.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 19:44
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
"Mom, when you are so negative, I tell you less"
and do it
OP, you have got to get it out of your head that your parents are your best outlet for the telling-of-your-life. If a friend always reacted the way your Mother does, you wouldn't be telling the friend stuff.
and do it
OP, you have got to get it out of your head that your parents are your best outlet for the telling-of-your-life. If a friend always reacted the way your Mother does, you wouldn't be telling the friend stuff.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 19:42
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
You think this is evidence of a very close, healthy family, but it's actually terribly dysfunctional. I know I'll never convince you of that, of course . . . but that's just another symptom of the lack of boundaries.
I laughed out loud at this post. If you think keeping kids off of a motorcycle is terribly dysfunctional, I'd say that your grasp on reality is wanting. It's a dangerous vehicle which has high incidences of death when in accidents. This is not keeping kids from going on spring break or majoring in art history. Secondly, I've at no point come to DCUM to rant and rail against my parents. I've not moaned about my relationship with them and/or how they are in or out of my life. So tell me again about family dysfunction, OP.
I’m OP. I didn’t make that post.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 19:41
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.
2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.
It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.
You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.
If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.
Wow. That was really offensive and uncalled for.
And I’ll say one more thing: if you continue to bash on white families, I will report your posts to Jeff.
How is that offensive? I'm agreeing with you 100%. In anglo/white families, the family structure traditional stops at nuclear family - parents + kids. Extended family structure does not exist (or at least is very uncommon) so your position that adult children are 100% independent is likely the overarching view. So I agree with you. You probably have the majority view in how adult children live and work in this society.
But go ahead and call the manager.
It’s offensive to say white families have no family structure. It simply is.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 19:05
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
It’s dangerous, OP.
My husband was side-swiped at an intersection and *only* broke his wrist. It could have been much worse.
Your parents are being unpleasant because they’re worried. Just ignore them.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 18:55
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
You think this is evidence of a very close, healthy family, but it's actually terribly dysfunctional. I know I'll never convince you of that, of course . . . but that's just another symptom of the lack of boundaries.
I laughed out loud at this post. If you think keeping kids off of a motorcycle is terribly dysfunctional, I'd say that your grasp on reality is wanting. It's a dangerous vehicle which has high incidences of death when in accidents. This is not keeping kids from going on spring break or majoring in art history. Secondly, I've at no point come to DCUM to rant and rail against my parents. I've not moaned about my relationship with them and/or how they are in or out of my life. So tell me again about family dysfunction, OP.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 18:28
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
You think this is evidence of a very close, healthy family, but it's actually terribly dysfunctional. I know I'll never convince you of that, of course . . . but that's just another symptom of the lack of boundaries.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 18:10
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
Sure, I get that. What’s ironic is that they have zero problem supporting my downhill skiing habit — hell, my dad paid for ski trips for me as late as when I was in my mid-20s and had a job. I think this comes down to perception of relative danger as opposed to actual danger, since downhill skiing is a pretty dangerous sport (especially the way I ski, which isn’t exactly on bunny slopes).
Eh, people aren't always perfectly rational. You surely have some hang-up that isn't 100 percent consistent with the actual risk. They can't actually stop you doing what you want, so just take their comments as an expression of concern and love and brush off the rest.
This.
People’s risk assessment level across various activities is very inconsistent. Covid has certainly taught us that. And the same people who won’t enter a grocery store for fear of getting a virus with a 99.5% survivability rate make other extremely risky choices all the time without thinking twice. It’s just the way it is.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 18:08
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.
2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.
It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.
You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.
If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.
Wow. That was really offensive and uncalled for.
And I’ll say one more thing: if you continue to bash on white families, I will report your posts to Jeff.
How is that offensive? I'm agreeing with you 100%. In anglo/white families, the family structure traditional stops at nuclear family - parents + kids. Extended family structure does not exist (or at least is very uncommon) so your position that adult children are 100% independent is likely the overarching view. So I agree with you. You probably have the majority view in how adult children live and work in this society.
But go ahead and call the manager.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 17:29
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.
2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.
It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.
You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.
If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.
Wow. That was really offensive and uncalled for.
And I’ll say one more thing: if you continue to bash on white families, I will report your posts to Jeff.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 17:26
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.
2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.
It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.
You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.
If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.
Eh, it has its ups and downs. Many of my non-US-born friends expect to use their aging parents as unpaid childcare/housekeepers, and not all of those parents are all that thrilled to do it.
Similarly to my parents, who up until COVID traveled internationally for fun every few months and hope to resume soon, I'll be in the "white" camp enjoying my retirement, thanks.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 17:21
Subject: Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.
Because they love you and are worried about you.
Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.
Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.
Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.
Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.
+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.
+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded
Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.
1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.
2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.
It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.
You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.
If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.
Wow. That was really offensive and uncalled for.
Anonymous
02/24/2021 17:20
Subject: Re:Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?
All they did was offer an opinion on a choice your husband made that you disagree with. Parents have been doing that for a thousand years. Lighten up.