Anonymous wrote:OP- for anyone reading in the same situation-

I learned from talking to the hotline that there is nothing I can do because she is an adult. I did photograph the bruises. My children, husband, and I have left and are in our house. I contacted the local jurisdiction’s crisis management department and shared my story. I will not call her except for business related things.

It sounds like you did not speak with anyone who works with ELDER abuse. You might be better served reaching out to a local social service agency for the elderly.

It sounds like you have some business dealings with your mom/parents. I would start figuring out ways to end that. The reality is that your mom, who is definitely being abused, has been complicit in your father abusing YOU for decades. He uses you two against each other. It’s horrific. That is not how family is supposed to behave. Frankly, I don’t think you should see either of them anymore. I don’t care if your mom wants desperately to see her grandkids - she didn’t and still isn’t protect her actual kid from her abusive husband. I try really hard not to blame victims and understand quite well the dynamics in play in your mom’s situation, but look at what she’s done to you. You’re an adult woman, a married mother, who is certain that NO ONE will believe you or help you when you report being abused. That’s decades of your mom not believing or helping you talking. You don’t owe her a relationship or grandkids.

That’s a good start, OP. Good for you for calling. It’s true you cannot solve your mother’s problems but you can and must keep your kids and yourself safe. That means no contact with either of them. They have both shown you who they are, believe them.

As for “business calls,” can you explain? Do you work in a family business with your parents?

OP- for anyone reading in the same situation-

I learned from talking to the hotline that there is nothing I can do because she is an adult. I did photograph the bruises. My children, husband, and I have left and are in our house. I contacted the local jurisdiction’s crisis management department and shared my story. I will not call her except for business related things.

DO NOT ever bring your children into your parents home! This is dangerous for all of you. Go the police now. If your mother doesn’t want help getting out, you can’t make her.

WTF is wrong with you, OP? JFC!!!! Take care of your damn mom! Poor lady!

Take pictures of the bruises

Anonymous wrote:Given her threats to make up stories about you, you can’t go to her house, even if he’s not home. If she wants to see you or the kids, arrange to meet at a park or McDonald’s or something.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. They sound beyond codependent. I feel terrible for your mother but don’t let her mess put you in danger.

You also have to worry she’ll go to the police even if you do nothing.

If your husband saw your father hit you, and your husband can testify that you did not harm your mother (no history, your dad has hit your mom in the past, your husband was with you the whole time in the house or any combination of these), you should report now proactively.

First consult a lawyer. Then file a police report.

You really really want to be the first to document this officially. You do not want your mom calling CPS on you.

Given her threats to make up stories about you, you can’t go to her house, even if he’s not home. If she wants to see you or the kids, arrange to meet at a park or McDonald’s or something.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. They sound beyond codependent. I feel terrible for your mother but don’t let her mess put you in danger.

OP, your first responsibility is to your minor children. Please protect them from this insanely abusive dynamic. Don't bring your kids into their house ever again. If you want to allow your mother to have a relationship with your children, meet her in a public space only.

Tomorrow could be too late. Please take her to a safe place.

Your mother has been with your father a very long time and enables his behavior and abuse toward you. It is not your job to keep her safe.

OP, I don't think you need to report the assault if you don't want to, but, I do think you need to distance yourself from your mother and father. They are both abusive and should not be around you or your children at all. You don't have to dramatically cut them off. Just stop calling/texting and become unavailable most of them time. Talk therapy would help a lot.

OP, please keep your mother safe. This is a dangerous situation. Don’t let her stay at her other house alone.

He is abusive. If she has a safe way to do it, she should consult a women’s shelter or abuse hotline about how to exit safely.

I will try calling tomorrow even though I am scared.