Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 19:56     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


Why do we do this to each other, as women? WHY? It's like we try to gaslight each other to make it seem that shitty treatment isn't shitty treatment.

A MIL who won't "endure" two minutes of small talk from her DIL who is facilitating grandkid time doesn't give a fig about her DIL. Point blank period. Stop with your fiction and your excuses. Just stop.


PP you are quoting. I swear I am not trying to gaslight - I'm trying to suggest the possibility that the benefit of the doubt or an alternative. And like I said, at best misguided and likely rude. But I know I have come across this way myself because of good intentions.


Really do stop. If someone literally doesn’t say hello to you when you are doing them a favor, that’s rude. If someone greets you and asks briefly about the weather, and you CUT THEM OFF to tell them you don’t want to talk to them, that is just rude!


PP again - agreed, it's rude. That's why I put my first and last sentences, including the phrase, "it's rude." But suggesting that people may have misguided intentions is not inappropriate.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 17:58     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Good for you, OP!
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 16:06     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you deserve a lot of credit for answeringn the phone at all after that. I don't think I would.


+1. I absolutely wouldn't. DH can deal with it on his time if he wants. The calls are interrupting my time with the kids. OP-I'm SO glad the kids just hang up on them, though, since it doesn't reward their behavior. Bravo!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 17:53     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


Why do we do this to each other, as women? WHY? It's like we try to gaslight each other to make it seem that shitty treatment isn't shitty treatment.

A MIL who won't "endure" two minutes of small talk from her DIL who is facilitating grandkid time doesn't give a fig about her DIL. Point blank period. Stop with your fiction and your excuses. Just stop.


PP you are quoting. I swear I am not trying to gaslight - I'm trying to suggest the possibility that the benefit of the doubt or an alternative. And like I said, at best misguided and likely rude. But I know I have come across this way myself because of good intentions.


You say "or," you offer both options. So it's clear she's welcome.

And I bet you don't cut her off when she speaks! And you don't say "I just want to see the kids," so you're fine.

NP this actually makes me think. I tell my cousin all the time to “come over this weekend or just drop the boys off and take a break.” She has several stressors in her life so I want her to relax and not feel obligated to hang out with us. But I hope it doesn’t come off the wrong way, like I don’t want to see her!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 17:48     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


Why do we do this to each other, as women? WHY? It's like we try to gaslight each other to make it seem that shitty treatment isn't shitty treatment.

A MIL who won't "endure" two minutes of small talk from her DIL who is facilitating grandkid time doesn't give a fig about her DIL. Point blank period. Stop with your fiction and your excuses. Just stop.


PP you are quoting. I swear I am not trying to gaslight - I'm trying to suggest the possibility that the benefit of the doubt or an alternative. And like I said, at best misguided and likely rude. But I know I have come across this way myself because of good intentions.


NP this actually makes me think. I tell my cousin all the time to “come over this weekend or just drop the boys off and take a break.” She has several stressors in her life so I want her to relax and not feel obligated to hang out with us. But I hope it doesn’t come off the wrong way, like I don’t want to see her!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 16:14     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you deserve a lot of credit for answeringn the phone at all after that. I don't think I would.


+1


+2 Good job, OP!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 15:57     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Sounds like you handled it perfectly OP. And I see no need to do anything else or discuss it w/ your husband (except other than letting him know).

But if you take all of the emotion out of it you just did what they asked. It has the added benefit of letting you off the hook. Win/win!

Seriously, just see it that way. Not as something you have to cool down from or regret or walk back or whatever. They just want to talk to the kids? Great - here you go. Maybe it will be a new chapter. Or maybe they'll give up in frustration. Or maybe they'll ask you to broker the calls and that's when you can tell your husband it's his responsibility to do that from now on.

Either way - you're good!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 10:30     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!

???

You were very gracious, OP. I might have just hung up!


Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 10:10     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:This is great OP. Now I’m wondering if when my MIL visits and mentions she’s “only here to see the kids” I can manage to leave for the whole weekend without guilt. Seriously, why the need for rude comments, in-laws? Just practice the baseline civility you expect from normal social interactions!


OMG, if my MIL said that (and my husband didn't say anything), I'd be packing my bags for the weekend and out the door, thanking her for the unexpected break.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 10:08     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
This is great OP. Now I’m wondering if when my MIL visits and mentions she’s “only here to see the kids” I can manage to leave for the whole weekend without guilt. Seriously, why the need for rude comments, in-laws? Just practice the baseline civility you expect from normal social interactions!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 09:58     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Good for you. My MIL offered to read to my 4 year old over FaceTime last spring to “help” occupy him while I worked. But it involved me finding the books she wants to read (she bought copies of books we have for her own house), then answering, setting it up so the child balances the book and the device, then she would tell me to go away and work, but all I would hear is “are you listening?” “Stop playing with the effects.” “Turn the camera to the book” “I can only see the ceiling.” Then she would call DH and tell him that the 4 year old wasn’t cooperative and I needed to monitor it better so he would pay attention to her. Thanks, but I can put the kid in front of a screen he’ll actually watch if I need 15 minutes to work rather than spending 30+ trying to convince him to participate in this scenario.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 09:47     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:Yes this is my issue with FaceTime. Grandparents say that they’re babysitting the kids while talking. Except I have to sit there too bribing my kids, managing the phone. It’s just a big effing hassle. God I hate FaceTime.


+1

Riles up the kids
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 09:45     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, that is extremely rude. How does your husband feel about how rude his mother is to you?


To be honest, I’m giving myself time to cool down. I’m going to talk to him about it this weekend. The only change so far is I no longer initiate the call. They call me, and I don’t deny the call, but I don’t even say hi, I just hand the phone to my kids, and it’s over within minutes.


I am with you OP. My MIL is super sweet on top but in action, she totally ignores me and my place in the family. Things are much better since I believed what she was telling me and made myself unavailable to her. You don't need jerks in your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 09:00     Subject: Re:You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
OP, you're the best! Reddit has a thread r/maliciouscompliance. I think you just won it.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2021 08:42     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Good for you!!