It's a great idea I'm theory but I haven't seen this work in the long term.

I think don't ask don't tell is best. It acknowledges people aren't going to be faithful over a lifetime but precludes out in the open relationships they can get too entangled. Also encourages discretion

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you get the best of both worlds. Not for me, good for them.

Right? It's obvious, you get the amazing experiences of new partners with the stability of marriage. Maybe this is more of a male POV. I would do this in a heartbeat if my wife were game.

Right pal. She would find unlimited partners in a heartbeat while you exert a lot of energy to find one decent partner.

It's not true. I mean, sure, she can have 50 partners a night but she doesn't want that. I only need one partner, it's harder for me but not that hard if you are reasonably attractive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

It's the law of supply and demand. Unless you're George Clooney or Tom Brady, a man is going to have a much more difficult time finding a casual sex partner.p

That is the popular misconception. I can assure you, it's not true. At least not in this area.

If you are paying for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It so mostly married people can cheat out in the open. Just another way to be deceitful.

It's not deceitful if both agree to it. But it's not something I condone.

My experience has been that normally one party is not on board. Used in conjunction with the sexless marriage, staying for the kids, separated under the same roof. Obviously not all are like this but that’s been my experience. It doesn’t come from a good or healthy place a lot of time.

Anonymous wrote:The point of it seems to be to provide the illusion of stability for the kids, and to maintain whatever financial lifestyle they have- especially if one partner does not want the marriage to end. However, several people I grew up with had parents with open marriages, and it did not work out well in either case. One ended up divorcing anyway, in a messy, complicated way that damaged relationships with their young adult children, and the other set a terrible example for the kids.

I also think that it’s just impossible to maintain an intimate relationship with two people at once. It’s not something I would proactively seek out, but I guess I understand why some do instead of just divorcing.

This is the thing for me. And when I say "intimate" I don't just mean sex. I mean the emotional connection. I put a lot of effort into maintaining that effort with my husband. I really can't imagine trying to do it with someone else at the same time, and I really can't imagine that if he were in an intimate relationship with another person that it would take some of the time and energy away from ours. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it's true.

I also feel like side relationships would inevitably mean less time by myself. Right now, with young kids at home, that's the thing I fight hardest to get. Maybe there are people who just don't need alone time (though surely everyone needs at least some?) but I would never want to give that up for the sake of sexual variety. I'd rather just work with my existing partner to spice things up.

I also don't understand the sexual variety argument to begin with because all of the ENM relationships I know of, they have long-term side partners. So presumably the sex in those relationships gets stale too? I get it if someone's sexual orientation shifts, but otherwise I'm not sure why you would need two long-term relationships. Sounds like the worst things about marriage, but just more? I don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

It's the law of supply and demand. Unless you're George Clooney or Tom Brady, a man is going to have a much more difficult time finding a casual sex partner.p

That is the popular misconception. I can assure you, it's not true. At least not in this area.

Every metro area has a few bars that attract like minded people interested in casual sex. If you are a decent looking guy who doesn't act like a jerk you can do just fine.

My Dad is 62 and now spends the winter in Florida and, pre-Covid, he said there were bars in his town where women outnumbered the men and they were meat markets. Given that I'm his daughter that's as far as he would go but he is a very good looking guy and very well off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you get the best of both worlds. Not for me, good for them.

Not for me, either, but there is no deception. Some of these "sexless marriage" posters and the "would you ignore bruised faces and bodies of the cheated upon wife and kids?! because the abuse is THE SAME!" people might be better off with an arrangement of this sort.

That was a funny poster.

That whole thread was a wild ride.

The point of it seems to be to provide the illusion of stability for the kids, and to maintain whatever financial lifestyle they have- especially if one partner does not want the marriage to end. However, several people I grew up with had parents with open marriages, and it did not work out well in either case. One ended up divorcing anyway, in a messy, complicated way that damaged relationships with their young adult children, and the other set a terrible example for the kids.

I also think that it’s just impossible to maintain an intimate relationship with two people at once. It’s not something I would proactively seek out, but I guess I understand why some do instead of just divorcing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

It's the law of supply and demand. Unless you're George Clooney or Tom Brady, a man is going to have a much more difficult time finding a casual sex partner.p

That is the popular misconception. I can assure you, it's not true. At least not in this area.

Every metro area has a few bars that attract like minded people interested in casual sex. If you are a decent looking guy who doesn't act like a jerk you can do just fine.

Anonymous wrote:It so mostly married people can cheat out in the open. Just another way to be deceitful.

It's not deceitful if both agree to it. But it's not something I condone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

It's the law of supply and demand. Unless you're George Clooney or Tom Brady, a man is going to have a much more difficult time finding a casual sex partner.p

That is the popular misconception. I can assure you, it's not true. At least not in this area.

Anonymous wrote:The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

It's the law of supply and demand. Unless you're George Clooney or Tom Brady, a man is going to have a much more difficult time finding a casual sex partner.p

The most successful ones I have known are the sexless straight marriages where it's the DH who won't have sex. The least successful are the ones the DH pushes and pushes for. Those can be funny though in that not infrequently the reluctant wife ends up having having ton of fun and the guy mistly strikes out. Then...close that marriage!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you get the best of both worlds. Not for me, good for them.

Not for me, either, but there is no deception. Some of these "sexless marriage" posters and the "would you ignore bruised faces and bodies of the cheated upon wife and kids?! because the abuse is THE SAME!" people might be better off with an arrangement of this sort.

That was a funny poster.

I know a bunch if couples who have done this and only one where it works. But that relationship disturbs me because while the married couple has a very equal and mutually respectful marriage, at least one of them is extremely manipulative towards their side relationships and actively seeks out relationships in which there is a power differential in their favor. They clearly get off on controlling others and require a lot of ego stroking from not only their spouse but all these other people they are involved with. It’s a weird dynamic. I think maybe this person has some emotional and personality problems that they’ve found a creative solution for. But they have kids and I seriously wonder what the outcome will be. I think this person would do serious damage in a conventional marriage but I also wonder if maybe this is just a different way to guarantee their (unreasonable) demands are met at the expense of those around them.

Anyway, I remain skeptical of this as a functional arrangement. Monogamy has serious flaws, but based on what I’ve seen with others, I’m not convinced that this is a better solution than, say, serial monogamy. I’d rather continue to destigmatize temporary separations/divorce/remarriage/blended families, which in the families I know seems to make people happier in the long run.