Anonymous wrote:Well, I was feeling pretty good when I started reading this thread. And now I want to go jump off a cliff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with the feeling. Not to hijack your thread, but in August/Sept, I was feeling great. I was exercising, in the best shape in 20 years, recovering from a heart procedure with full gusto. I was feeling like, for the first time since I beat stage four cancer several years ago, that everything was good. I was down 15 lbs, but I figured it was because I was eating healthier and working out. Once COVID was past, things would be great.

Then, I started not feeling well. I was having problems digesting food -- I did not know why. CT scan showed the problem clearly: I had 30-40 tumors on my liver, and several more in surrounding my gallbladder with numerous suspicious. lymph nodes. Oh, and I was in severe abdominal pain (keeping me awake at night).

I am now three months into Chemo. I have averaged 1 week a month in the hospital. I do not know if it is working yet. Some symptoms are better, but I have to wear a damn bag to drain my gall bladder. My weight is down from 280 (yeah, I was big) to 200. None of my clothes fit me. I can only leave the house for medical appointments because I can not risk COVID.

So I am sitting here completely isolated from the world withering away to nothing. I am not going to see my daughter graduate college, or get feel. married.

I am a 57 yo male, supposed to be strong, crying while typing this. I know how you feel

PP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don't give up--rest when you need to but don't give up.

+1 I am thinking if you this morning. I hope each day gets a little better. Sending love. If you have people offering to help ACCEPT their offers. Don’t try to do everything on your own.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's normal for the 21st century. Maybe 1000 yrs ago when the life exectancy was lke 50, then yes, but now? No. I think you need to find something that gives you a new lease on life. 50 is way too young to just give up.

Obviously, the current climate is making a lot of people give up and depressed, but it will pass, eventually.

-signed a 50 yr old

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned 50 a few months ago and I’m struggling to envision a future for myself worth looking forward to.

Almost everyone I ever loved or was very close to in this life is dead now, I can count my close connections on one hand with fingers leftover. I have lots of friends from over the years who I’m sure think of me fondly and would tell me I’m important to them, yadda yadda yadda, but life is busy and especially by this age the active friend pool shrinks for many of us. I never married or had children - not something I planned and a huge source of grief in my life, especially my 3 lost pregnancies. My health broke down a few years ago so I had to walk away from the 80 hour week workaholism that kept me from thinking about all my regrets and grief. Now I’m in my head all the time and it’s a really painful place to be. I’ve battled depression for 30 years and finally realize it’s never going away. Being at the age when women become invisible is another layer of pain, especially as now I battle age discrimination on top of the struggles any lawyer faces trying to find employment in positions for which they’re very overqualified. I struggle financially so it’s not like I can look forward to world travel or any other childhood dreams being fulfilled, but rather I worry about how I might struggle in my elder years.

When I was in school all those years getting my undergraduate, graduate and law degrees I always used to look forward to when I’d finally have time to do all the pleasure reading I wanted to - and now I find myself with shelves of books I don’t read because cognitive issues linked to my health issues make reading far less appealing than it used to be.

One of my favorite songs as a teen was Jack & Diane - remember it? There’s a line in that song that struck me in my youth but which I didn’t understand until now - ‘life goes on - long after the thrill of living is gone.’

PP just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

PP here. Unfortunately, I just got bad news yesterday: cancer is not responding to chemo; tumors are continuing to grow.

I’m so sorry. Sending you love and support.

Anonymous wrote:Over the past 5 years I've been through a series of family tragedies, death, and serious personal loss. I don't want to get into the details of all the tragedy here because it is just to painful. I understand that I will never again have what I had in my early forties (healthy immediate family, career, etc.) The thing is, I think I'm okay and making peace with this. Is this okay? Does anyone else live like this? I have photos and memories of the good times with my family and now I enjoy my memories. I have absolutely no interest in trying to create a "new happy life" for myself. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this normal? I'm 50.

Anonymous wrote:Over the past 5 years I've been through a series of family tragedies, death, and serious personal loss. I don't want to get into the details of all the tragedy here because it is just to painful. I understand that I will never again have what I had in my early forties (healthy immediate family, career, etc.) The thing is, I think I'm okay and making peace with this. Is this okay? Does anyone else live like this? I have photos and memories of the good times with my family and now I enjoy my memories. I have absolutely no interest in trying to create a "new happy life" for myself. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this normal? I'm 50.

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with the feeling. Not to hijack your thread, but in August/Sept, I was feeling great. I was exercising, in the best shape in 20 years, recovering from a heart procedure with full gusto. I was feeling like, for the first time since I beat stage four cancer several years ago, that everything was good. I was down 15 lbs, but I figured it was because I was eating healthier and working out. Once COVID was past, things would be great.

Then, I started not feeling well. I was having problems digesting food -- I did not know why. CT scan showed the problem clearly: I had 30-40 tumors on my liver, and several more in surrounding my gallbladder with numerous suspicious. lymph nodes. Oh, and I was in severe abdominal pain (keeping me awake at night).

I am now three months into Chemo. I have averaged 1 week a month in the hospital. I do not know if it is working yet. Some symptoms are better, but I have to wear a damn bag to drain my gall bladder. My weight is down from 280 (yeah, I was big) to 200. None of my clothes fit me. I can only leave the house for medical appointments because I can not risk COVID.

So I am sitting here completely isolated from the world withering away to nothing. I am not going to see my daughter graduate college, or get feel. married.

I am a 57 yo male, supposed to be strong, crying while typing this. I know how you feel

Anonymous wrote:Over the past 5 years I've been through a series of family tragedies, death, and serious personal loss. I don't want to get into the details of all the tragedy here because it is just to painful. I understand that I will never again have what I had in my early forties (healthy immediate family, career, etc.) The thing is, I think I'm okay and making peace with this. Is this okay? Does anyone else live like this? I have photos and memories of the good times with my family and now I enjoy my memories. I have absolutely no interest in trying to create a "new happy life" for myself. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this normal? I'm 50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned 50 a few months ago and I’m struggling to envision a future for myself worth looking forward to.

Almost everyone I ever loved or was very close to in this life is dead now, I can count my close connections on one hand with fingers leftover. I have lots of friends from over the years who I’m sure think of me fondly and would tell me I’m important to them, yadda yadda yadda, but life is busy and especially by this age the active friend pool shrinks for many of us. I never married or had children - not something I planned and a huge source of grief in my life, especially my 3 lost pregnancies. My health broke down a few years ago so I had to walk away from the 80 hour week workaholism that kept me from thinking about all my regrets and grief. Now I’m in my head all the time and it’s a really painful place to be. I’ve battled depression for 30 years and finally realize it’s never going away. Being at the age when women become invisible is another layer of pain, especially as now I battle age discrimination on top of the struggles any lawyer faces trying to find employment in positions for which they’re very overqualified. I struggle financially so it’s not like I can look forward to world travel or any other childhood dreams being fulfilled, but rather I worry about how I might struggle in my elder years.

When I was in school all those years getting my undergraduate, graduate and law degrees I always used to look forward to when I’d finally have time to do all the pleasure reading I wanted to - and now I find myself with shelves of books I don’t read because cognitive issues linked to my health issues make reading far less appealing than it used to be.

One of my favorite songs as a teen was Jack & Diane - remember it? There’s a line in that song that struck me in my youth but which I didn’t understand until now - ‘life goes on - long after the thrill of living is gone.’

PP just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

PP here. Unfortunately, I just got bad news yesterday: cancer is not responding to chemo; tumors are continuing to grow.